So I know most of my friends not only arent parents yet but went through this themselves. But to the few of you who do have kids you really need to take the time to talk to your kids. We hear about these issues in high school all the time but dont realize they start far far younger. We seem to over look the fact that little ones see the actions of their older siblings and friends, of the date night sitter, the kid next door, they hear the stories from their friends. They know about suicide. They know about selfharm, even if they dont understand it. And really if youve ever been bullied you know how thin that line can be between emotionally and mentally tearing yourself down and actually physically attacking yourself. I was bullied a lot starting in second grade. I can barely remember most of it now, I guess I blocked out the details. I knew about suicide because family members struggled with depression and it was a subject that came up almost casually in my home. There were thousands of times it was an option. Thousands of times I sat trapped in my mind trying to fight the voices that said it was time to quit. The bullying led to a lot of problems later on. Points in my life where I found I could go a week or longer without making eye contact. Points where I counted the number of times I was acknowledged. In public school there was a day that I even purposely put myself in peoples way in the halls to see if theyd speak or just move around me like I was a rock. They didnt speak. I convinced myself by 11 years old that if I disappeared no one beyond my parents and siblings would know I was gone and there were days I questioned if they would notice. Back at St. Fs I detached from my friends and attempted to avoid making new friends when the bullying started. I didnt succeed. I fell in with three girls who were amazing and taught me very important lessons from their friendships, though one lesson wasnt so kind. By the time I reached public school my goal was to be invisible. I was so committed to this goal I was over 18 before I could look at a waiter and order my meal when we went out. I hate crowds. I cant stand to meet new people. Social events, even cozy private ones, make me feel like my insides are vibrating and rip holes in my carefully crafted armor. Im 25 now. Im only now beginning to feel comfortable in my skin. Im only now beginning to feel like I matter as a human being, that my world would be impacted negatively if I were to take my leave early. But even now nearly 2 decades away from the beginning of my schoolyard tortures I can rarely go a full day without my mind recreating taunts of my former classmates. Without hearing their voices in my head tearing me down. It is a daily battle. It is one I know I will never live without. There are days now where I do wander around in the world with a scrap quilt of confidence and self-esteem wrapped around me protecting me from the voices of people who no longer exist to me. I can now go out and be as big an idiot in super hero costumes as I like. I can go to Harry Potter themed events in my full Hufflepuff robes. I can dance in the park to One Direction while house wives stare. Basically Im finally finding a place in my self where I dont give a damn what others think and can just be me. This stuff starts far too young and will last to their dying breath. As parents, older siblings, aunts and uncles, grandparents, teachers, and caregivers it is our duty to ensure these little humans know they have a place to talk. A place to be themselves unjudged. A place in this world where they are truly safe. Bullying will never go away. Its as old as time. Even with my experience with it I cant say I want to live in a world where it isnt a thing. Bullying can make one stronger. It can push one harder. It can level ones head and keep their feet on the ground. But a balance must be found because the generations that are coming up right now are breaking young and hard and were burying too many of them because of it. So please take a few minutes every day and ask if theyre doing alright. Maybe theyll never tell you. But I can tell you from experience knowing there is an open door to spill all your troubles into can mean the world, whether you use it or not.
Posted on: Sun, 10 Aug 2014 02:24:22 +0000
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