So Im sure everyones wondering how yesterday went. I have had a flood of emotions running through my head. It felt great to complete all my events & did them all without dropping anything. That was my main goal. Even got all the stones!!! Felt good to get those. Not everyone got those. I just wanted to complete everything & learn. These I accomplished. I however did not expect the flood of emotions that came after. After seeing pics of myself & videos I felt stupid, ridiculous, & the biggest thing like a lard ass. I felt like I looked like the fat girl that was trying to be like all the fit girls. Like everyone was looking & laughing. I felt like I had let my BBR team members down because I came in last. An embarrassment to not only them but husband too. Some of his friends were there & I felt like he was probably so embarrassed to be married to the fat girl. I have struggled with my weight since my second child but believe me its not from a lack of trying to stay fit or do my best. I live trapped in this body & obsessed every single minute of every single day of thinking if only I could be skinny. The continuous 24/7 of comparing myself to others. Im not kidding about this!!! Its a compulsive, mentally exhausting behavior. It has became a way of life for me. But through stepping WAY WAY out of my comfort zone yesterday, I realized Im done with this. I am who I am. Im better then this thinking. Im mentally exhausted & tired of beating myself up this way. I will continue to fight & continue to live life to the fullest. Screw all this fat talk in my head. I mean Really??? There are people out there that are sick & fitting for everyday of their life & would love to be able to do what Im doing. How selfish of me!!! I wanted to learn a lot yesterday about the strongman sport but what I learned was far beyond that!! I will be proud of myself & who cares about what anyone else thinks. I am an athlete & I will get stronger every single day. There is a fire inside of me that is burning to be released. So watch out because Im releasing it & nothing can stop me. I competed yesterday against three other girls. I was in the middle weight class & they combined the heavy weight girls with middle weight. So these girls are used to lifting heavier stuff. The weights were kept at the middle weight level for all of us. So needless to say these girls were really good at it. I felt like I let my BBR team down bc of my performance. But now I realize that those girls I competed against were beasts & dammit I did everything they did. I might have not got as many reps or been as fast as them but I DID it & thats something to be proud of!!! I never cared about winning just didnt want to embarrass my team mates or family. But my girls were proud of me & they were cheering me on. They were so proud & both say they want to do this when they get big. I will continue to pray that God will help me fight this mental battle of self destruction & hopefully I will inspire others to do the same. So I want to thank all of my teammates for all their support. Thank you to the Robby & Codye Hill McCann for believing in me & introducing this to me. What a life changing event yesterday!!! So if your living trapped like I have been, take a risk & step out of your comfort zone people bc you just might learn something very much unexpected!!! So glad I did this & never looking back. FYI the girl on the far left in the front row was one of the girls I competed against. Can we say beast? She was awesome!!!
Posted on: Mon, 10 Nov 2014 02:24:34 +0000
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