So, this is weird, kinda funny, really long to read, but true: Its time I be honest. Every year leading up to my birthday, I have anxiety over a few things... not even just aging! I fret over the attention from people commenting to my facebook with best wishes (just insecurity regarding my worthiness, its nbd) Also, I worry about any phone calls Ill likely receive... Will I get to the phone in time? Boy, theyre probably too busy and dont have a lot of time to speak so Ill awkwardly thank them and let them go.. Id hate to waste their time... I worry about whether Ill receive gifts and how to thank someone for their generosity... Thoughts like this plague me every time around my birthday. I worry about being thankful and gracious enough to those who take the time to acknowledge me. I know this all stems from low self - esteem and other insecurities, like my feeling insignificant and unworthy. Believe me, Ive been working hard on that for many many years. Have you ever tried convincing yourself to like the reflection staring back at you in the mirror? So not an easy task! Yet, I can acknowledge that I have come a very long way from the timid, overly sensitive girl I used to be... I may not be great at it, but Im better now at appearing more comfortable with people and everyday functioning (read: still awkward) I figure now is as good a time as any to shrug off my ill conceived notions of why people seem to say, Hey! Kate, Happy birthday. What I see/hear/feel is rather, I see you. Im acknowledging you. You think youre invisible or worthless but youre not. You see all that in a common courtesy response to someone who has one day of celebration of which they were brought into the world? Yes, yes I do. As someone who is an over analytical thinker (read: always in my head, thinking/worrying about too much that is everything) I worry about peoples reasoning for things. I need to take all of this for what I have always refused to allow myself to believe: I am a good person.. People like me. (Trying to quiet the voice in my mind that is asking Why?) I have friends and supportive people around me because they love me. And they want to, *choose* to be by my side. Theres nothing quite like realizing its taken about 30 years for that to sink in, or make sense. But hey, better late than never. With that said, if youre still reading this, thank you, thank you, thank you for seeing me, loving me, even just acknowledging me. I appreciate you. You, my friends, are why I am still here to live out this new decade.
Posted on: Wed, 19 Feb 2014 01:38:39 +0000
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