~Somebody needs this tonight~ (from the archives) The Day God Broke My Heart♥ The title may be shocking to some. To others, we know this feeling although its not proper to say things like this out loud. We know when we have sold out to God and done things His way and did our best to live uprightly before him and things dont go the way we hoped. They dont go the way we believe. They dont even go the way God said they would. I dont mean little things, but life changing things. I dont mean youve followed God for a minute and you are disappointed. I mean you have years logged in with God and youre doing it His Way. Youve followed him at a cost, as he said there would be and one day, you reach your breaking point. I want you to know that I came to that breaking point on this journey. And the reason I share this with you is because some~ not all~ have been at or maybe at that point right now. Its important to be able to acknowledge that, deal with it, understand it and be restored. People dont really allow for that, but it can happen even when you love God with all your heart. It can happen when you have no clue what God is doing. I remember writing the words on the page with big tears dripping down my face. I have cried over men who didnt keep trust with me God. I have cried over people who disappointed me. Ive come to you as my refuge with every detail of my life. Ive given up all to follow what you told me to do. But today its you, God...YOU HAVE BROKEN MY HEART. If YOU are not HERE and if YOU are not WITH ME and if YOUR Word is breakable, then I dont know where I go from here! I have trusted you and followed you with everything within me. Ive walked away from all I had. You claim to love me, yet I am HERE...I am in the DARK, literally and figuratively and where are YOU? How can you love me, God and leave me this way? This happened when I finally made the decision to give up real estate and follow the call to write completely. I didnt know how I would make it, only that I could. My past experiences told me that Id have to navigate some hurdles, but Id done that before so I knew I could do it again. I knew I would have to fold my lifestyle and living down to a matchbox because money had gotten scarce, but I felt I could handle that too. I had always been a generous person with Gods blessings so I believed that somehow those seeds would come back to me in my time of need. And deep down I knew if I was called to do this, then my words would hold me up, I would find the way to let my gift (writing), make room for me (make a living from it). The first four weeks were incredible. I had joy unspeakable! I felt like I was walking on water. The ideas were flowing. I had a strong sense of confidence and I felt the presence of God with me in a mighty way. I had every hope that I was about to leap in my writing, since for two years I had one foot in the door of writing and another foot in real estate for money. My heart was in the writing though. Every piece of me was in the writing. I felt proud that I had matured enough to trust God and take him at his word, that his word would carry me, cover me and uphold me as I made my way and wrote my words to heal the land. It was a short lived honeymoon. The phone got cut off. I had already surrendered my car and my brother had generously loaned me one of his. But I couldnt pay for it so I told him to come get it. Money totally dried up. Shortly thereafter, my lights were turned off. There was no money to buy food. In a very short time, I had been sifted and the stripping down process continued to take place. At first I was confident that the answer to my prayer would show up. I had been seven days without lights, living in a half million dollar house that I could no longer pay for. The seventh or eighth foreclosure ad ran in the paper. This was just the tip of the iceberg of all the other stuff that was crumbling to the ground. I was literally in the DARK! After seven days of being IN THE DARK, I felt God had broken my heart. I was looking to Him and Him alone and it seemed he wasnt moving on my behalf. It seemed that even God had hung me out to dry. That was the lowest of lows, to feel that God had turned his back on me. He didnt, but we go through things and thats the only conclusion that our mind can draw. I felt some kind of way. I felt broken in two. The One who I could always turn to didnt seem to be there when I needed Him the most: He didnt seem to care or know me at all. I had a beautiful crepe myrtle tree outside my window that was barren. Somewhere I have a picture of that tree. It was stark because the yard guy had pruned it back. It looked so naked, I didnt ever think that it would bloom again. I remember looking out my window thinking that I was just like that tree. This was around Easter time, so I went home to be with my Mom for the weekend. Id always been able to figure things out, but this I couldnt figure out. It seemed that God and I were not on speaking terms and that he hadnt protected me or provided for me, but just allowed me to suffer, when Id lived for Him the best way I knew how. I was even IN those circumstances because I had followed the call on my life, yet here I was...feeling that I was all on my own...what would I do? Hope was fading fast. My faith had been sorely shaken. I woke up Easter morning at 5:55 a.m. These words came to my heart RIDE IT OUT. I immediately got my things together and told Mom I was going back home. I would not let the enemy drive me out of my house, whether I had lights or not. I filled up some jugs with water and I went back home IN THE DARK. I made myself comfortable IN THE DARK. As soon as I got home, there were buds on the crepe myrtle! It was being resurrected! It was coming back to life! God showed me that everything that is pruned will bear more fruit. He showed me that I had been planted in the ground like a seed...in the dark for a season. While there I would receive nourishment and at a point sprout back up through the dirt to light once again. I saw that I would bear MORE FRUIT in my life. It was Easter so I identified with Christ and how he had to suffer though he had done no wrong. I probably would not have seen any of these deep revelations without all the things I endured while in the DARK. God sequestered me to get my full attention. Once I took authority over the situation and came back home I was in combat mode. I knew the plan of the enemy was to scramble the message, to make me doubt God, to make me turn back, to make me retreat. I took authority over the situation. A song sprung up in my heart, an old spiritual that says Aint gonna let NOBODY TURN ME AROUND, TURN ME AROUND, TURN ME AROUND, IM GONNA GET WHAT I CAME HERE FOR! That song became my battle cry for the duration of that time. It brought me great strength because I was speaking to my circumstances, standing my ground and I refused to retreat over not having any lights. I came to see how God was taking me to a higher level, to unchartered waters, to a place where I would truly become a disciple. So I had to be prepared to walk like one. To be strong like one. To endure like one. To go through like one. What I knew about God and even about life would have to be discarded. I had to learn from a whole new vantage point...from Gods vantage point. His thinking is not our thinking, so adjustments have to be made. To follow our call and our purpose, we must be equipped. We must go through that phase to be qualified. Some of the notions we have about God are just notions...all of it has to be put to the test. You see where you stand, how much you can take, where you are in error and where you need to grow. When we become a soldier, we undergo training to be ready for battle, to be battle tested and to be able to win our spiritual wars. There are casulties in battle...homes, cars, lights, money, relationships, status, things...sometimes ALL must be lost for God to equip you for the call. As you continue to seek him, trust him and keep walking by faith and not sight, you get to the place God has for you. Being in the dark for 31 days was a stop on the journey that led to the ministry of When Women Write. Feeling like I was losing my faith and my hope was also a part of the journey, a chapter in my book of life. Feeling that God was to blame and that he didnt love me in my hardest trial was also a page in that chapter. That was a turning point in my life. God had not broken my heart to hurt me. He allowed my heart to break open because he knew all the treasure that was stored inside it had to come out. It was finally the appointed time for it to come out. My broken heart was where WWW came from...all the love, all the words and all the wisdom came rushing out of me like a flood. It was because I was broken open while being in the dark. If youve ever felt that way ~that God has broken your heart~ I offer you this...You will understand it better by and by. Something wonderful needs to come out of your heart and being broken open IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET IT OUT. I love God so much for breaking my heart open♥...I saw all the bounty of good stored up inside me AND...it led me to all of you♥ facebook/ When Women Write
Posted on: Fri, 08 Aug 2014 00:17:29 +0000
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