Something I wrote a bit over a year ago - something I thought would have been cute for a 50th Anniversary short for Matt Smith - I give you The Return of the Time Lords On an otherwise typical Saturday evening on the Thames Embankment in London, amongst the hustle and noise of people out to have a fun evening and the noise of taxis going about their business, anyone listening carefully could just have made out a brief, peculiar wheezing-groaning sound which, if written, could have been said to sound like VWORRRRRP VWORRRRRRP . The sound died away quickly and the noise faded back to being as it had been, with no notice taken by the merrymakers who continued on their way. So just why have you brought me to London? Its not as if Ive never been here before, and youve even brought me back to my Now - its not as if anything differents going to happen now. The girl questioning her companion was a thoroughly average young woman, of average height with long brunette hair and a round face. Average in all but the quirk of her mouth as she finished her statement, and the spark in her eyes that belied a questing mind. Her companion was a taller man with a mop of unruly brown hair that fell off to one side, with a boyish face perched on top of a bow tie and wearing a suit of a cut which was in fashion many decades earlier, yet somehow timeless. Looking at her from the side of his eyes, he continued walking apace along the road. Its strange you know, very strange. You lot, and by that I mean humanity as a whole, have a knack you know. A knack for ignoring things you dont want to have seen - for ignoring the blatant in favour of what you want to be obvious. You tell me nothing differents going to happen now, and you base that on.... what? I mean, in the last ten years youve had the Cybermen invade the whole country, youve had a battle between the Daleks and the Cybermen that very nearly obliterated the middle of London and youve had more strange happenings and goings on than I can count, and I can count to a very, very big number. But no - its all cream teas and visiting vicars, because thats what England is like, so no - nothing could every happen in London *now* - because your small galaxy mindset insists it cant - in the face of all evidence to the contrary. I mean, here you are walking through London having just stepped out of what looks like a 1950s Police box which is unbelievably vastly immensely huger on the inside than on the outside, and youre walking down the Embankment talking to somebody who looks like a man, but is over a thousand years old, has two hearts and has had several different faces and bodies, having just travelled here from a Circus on the far side of the galaxy a thousand years in the future, and still you insist that nothing different is going to happen *now* because were back in London? Taking a breath, the man paused in his step and turned to face the girl, looking at her almost expectantly. OK Doctor. Good point. Turning to the Doctor, she looked at him in a somewhat expectant way, and as the silence grew, her expectance became impatience. Quite right Clara. Onwards. Taking a stride, he walked onwards, picking up pace and striding forward for a total of ten steps before realising something was amiss. Turning he saw Clara still standing where she had been throughout their conversation. Well, arent you coming then? Well, yes... but Im wondering.... Wondering? Well - yes - what exactly *is* going to happen? Thats the thing about time and what could be. The best and most fun way, and I really like having fun, is to discover it by getting to it and living through it. No fun at all if you know everything thats going to happen in advance. Takes the surprise out of things. Really ruins games like pass the parcel, and can you imagine Musical Chairs at a meeting of Oracles and Seers? Therell be a load of happy clairvoyants and one grumpy one who knows theyre going to lose. So, lets go find out what the future is going to bring and have a bit of fun getting there. So, either you do know whats coming up and you dont want to tell me, or you have no idea and are just hoping for something to come up Yes, precisely. Precisely what? Precisely one or the other. Cmon - lets go! Staring at the Doctor in disbelief for a fraction of a second, Clara realised that this was probably the straightest answer she was going to get from him, and rather than getting infuriated she simply took a breath, shrugged and strode off, calling over her shoulder.. So, not coming then? Jogging a few paces to catch up, the Doctor grinned at her and, matching her pace, walked beside her and carried on chatting. ... A time later the pair, having enjoyed a leisurely stroll through central London with absolutely nothing of any import having happened, paused. In the background, the Palace of Westminster loomed large, its neo-baroque edifice being lit from below by floodlighting and the entire building appearing to dominate the surroundings. Turning to Clara the Doctor got a strange look on his face, and he took a breath. You know, its a strange thing. Ive told you of the Time War, and youve never really questioned anything Ive told you - why is that? Its because its you telling me. Its a fantastical story, and I wouldnt know where to start questioning you on it - the entire thing seems to be on far too huge a scale to comprehend - across all of time and all of space - any question Id ask would be too small, if that makes any sense? Why are you bringing that up now? Too small. Hmm. I suppose any question you could ask would be, yes. Still, surprised you havent asked one anyway. You ask me questions on everything else. Well. Almost everything. Hmm. Actually, lots. Well - maybe less than you should. I mean, if youd asked me how to operate the TARDIS toaster things would have worked out better. The TARDIS Toaster.... Well - why would I ask you? Its a toaster. I couldnt reasonably have been expected to know Id have to ask how to work a toaster - I mean Doctor, who on earth would rig their toaster so that it toasts backwards in time. How was I expected to know I had to put the bread in *after* I got the toast out. Anyway the TARDIS dealt with the Reaper - it wasnt as if it was *that* big a temporal paradox. Who on... Earth. Yes. I see what you mean about questions being too small. Im not from Earth. Im a Time Lord from Gallifrey. And I rig the toaster that way. Its great. It means I always get toast when I want it rather than having to wait for it. Having to remember to put the bread in later is a small price to pay for toast here and now. Delayed gratification. Strange concept. No reason to be delayed, but yes, I guess Im on Earth just now, so the answer to Who on earth would rig their toaster that way the answer would be Me, a Time Lord from Gallifrey would do that. Happy now? Umm - Doctor, why are we having a discussion about temporal toast? Were not. You asked me about the toaster and I explained that a Time Lord would rig it that way. Thats all. A Time Lord. Realising shed lost track of where this conversation had come from, and had no idea where it had gone, Clara decided to go off in a different direction Doctor, you keep telling me that youre a Time Lord, and from Gallifrey - So, all the people from Gallifrey are Time Lords? Id have thought theyd have been Gallifreyans A spark coming into his eyes, a grin spread across the Doctors surprisingly mobile face and he interlaced his hands, cracking his knuckles before taking a deep breath. I thought youd never ask! And thats not a small question. Oh no. Thats a very big question, and a very good one. And to answer it, well at least to start to answer it in terms understandable by such a limited mind as yours... Poking him in the solar plexus with her finger Clara proclaimed Oi! Less of the limited if you dont mind. Grimacing a little, the Doctor continued. Anyway - to answer your question... No, the reason I say Time Lords and not Gallifreyans is that while all Time Lords are Gallifreyan, not all Gallifreyans are Time Lords. Its a bit of a class thing you see - we have lots of classes. Were like a school that way. Lots of classes, all of different things. Of course were not that like a school. We dont have teachers, and we dont get to change classes when the bell goes. And we have to stay all day. Not at all like a school now I think of it. Stupid metaphor to use. Ah well.... where was I? Oh yes! Yes - lots of classes. At the top are the Time Lords, and theres not that many of us - theres only a few hundred, with an elected council running the show. The Time lords sit above a load of other groups and live isolated from the Reality of everyday life on Gallifrey. Just like any other planet we have workers - you know, farmers and the like? Time Lords have to eat too you know. And then we have the Shobogans... Clara snerked a litte and queried Shobogans? What sort of name is that? Sounds like some kind of sleigh. Ill have you know that my mother was a Shobogan! Its a perfectly sensible name, if you speak Gallifreyan. Anyway, yes - the Shobogans are travelling traders who move between the outer lands and the Time Lord Citadel. And you may be right on the Sleigh thing, although with the Shobogans its more Ess Ell Ay Wye - they tend to amuse themselves with whatever comes to hand, and oftentimes thats another Shobogans skull, but anyway - yes, you have the working classes, and the Shobogans and the Time Lords, and like I say there arent many of them. Many? Given youre the only one left, its more like any isnt it? His face developing a deep frown, the Doctor looked at her in a hurt manner. Im... sorry - that was hurtful, wasnt it? A bit. Anyway. Yes. The Time Lords. The most powerful beings in this Universe at one point. Absolute mastery over time and space. And yet... The Time War. Yes. Staring briefly into the distance, the Doctor paused, his face passing through many emotions before he once again started. Its a strange thing you know, most Time Lords wouldnt know the man, or Gallifreyan, in the street if they bit them, which for the most part they wouldnt - I mean most Time Lords were crusty old buggers who held onto one regeneration as long as they could - would probably taste dusty if you bit them. Wouldnt be nice, but yes - the man in the street. I was once a man you know. Not just male, but actually human. He paused as if waiting for a question, which arrived soon enough. You were... human? But... how? Youre alien - youve just spent the last five minutes telling me so. Two hearts and all. Human? Oh yes - its a little trick we developed - the Chameleon Arch - your Time Lord essence is effectively removed and youre left as a mortal being, a human in fact. Its odd that we become human when we use the device, but there you are - oddness happens. Your temporal essence gets stored, normally in a timepiece - it doesnt have to be, but really - can you imagine a Time Lord who when faced with storing their selves in either a timepiece or something mundane would choose an egg or a training shoe? Really. Mine was in a really rather nice pocket watch you know... He watched Claras face for any signs of emotion, or disbelief, but all he saw was mild amusement and a little interest. But... yes. Human. Was strange. I was a teacher at a school. I had lots of classes of my own, despite being middle class. Strange thing that really. Class being somewhere you get taught things, but also your place in the world, and you English - you have so many classes. You have one of the most heavily developed class systems Ive ever met. Working/Lower Middle/Middle Middle/Upper Middle/Upper/Nobility - and then to confuse it all you make it possible to move between them just by having somebody touch you with a sword. In most countries what that would make you would be dead, but in England it makes you a Lord, and lets you sit over there... So.. what does this have to do with.... With the time war? I thought youd never ask! Glaring at him in an amused way, Clara spoke over him. I didnt. In fact, I get the feeling you want to talk about it, and have been trying to get me to ask all night, but just because you want doesnt mean you get. So, let me ask you another question, which is probably too small for you to notice, but Ill ask anyway. If these Time Lords of you were so all powerful over space and time and all, what happened to them - I wouldnt have thought people like that would be so easily defeated by... whatever - where are they? His face lighting up in a manner which was almost manic, the Doctor beamed at her. Ooooh! Thats not a small question. Thats a very, very, very big question. Yes. Well. I sort of Time Looped them. They were getting a bit carried away, and Rassilon was about to do some bad things. Rassilon. Big Boss Time Lord. One of the very first of us actually. Rassilon, Omega and the Other. First three. But yes. Rassilon was getting carried away, so I rather sabotaged him and timelooped him and a few others to keep the multiverse safe, but that was only a few of them. Maybe a dozen or so. The rest of them... thats a different matter. Tower of St Stephen you know. What? What what? You said Tower of St Stephen Did I? Oh, yes - I did So, what about it? Thats what its called, or at least it was called. Almost everybody called it Big Ben, but thats the name of the largest bell. The tower itself was the tower of St Stephen. Until a few years ago - your government decided that people were probably too thick to learn the real name, after all itd been 150 years and they hadnt managed yet, so instead of forcing people to learn, they changed the name of the tower to Big Ben. Always easier to change the facts to match the perception than to change the perception to match the facts. I may have mentioned. Daleks and cybermen and all that. Mmm? Yes, Doctor. You might have said something along those lines she said through gritted teeth. So...? So....? Yes - your parliament. Strange thing. Caused by lots of people losing arguments over the years and setting things up so they dont have to take the blame when they win. Strange setup really - bicameral parliament. Sounds a bit like a shellfish that. Bi-cameral. Bi Cammmmmeral. Yes. But its not of course - just means two chambers. The Commons and the Lords. The Commons being elected, and the Lords mostly being born, although some people get elected to it by the elected people in the commons. Dreadfully complicated all that, but it seems to work some of the time. Doctor, I know this - I learned it in school. Why are you telling me this? You know this? Oh. Well then - maybe I can tell you something you dont know. Did you know there are actually two types of lords? Theres actually bishops in the House of Lords. The Lords Spiritual. OK - that I didnt know - why on earth are they there? Or should I ask why in the universe are they there? Oh - the answer to that ones only on earth. Theyre there because the UK has no separation of Church and State. The monarch is head of both state and church, and so theyre her representatives for the church. The other lot though, the other lot are more interesting. Theres more of them - six hundred and some. They have a different name..... Are you going to make me ask? The Doctor sniffed a little and once again seemed to be looking into the distance, just past what hed just said had previously been the Tower of St Stephen. Mmm? Oh? Oh yes! What happened to the Time Lords you ask? Doctor, you do make it difficult to tell which conversation you were having - you were taking about the house of Lords and then jump back to the Time Lords... One conversation or another, just to let my limited human brain keep up? Mmm - if you insist. OK. Actually, it is one conversation, and if youd stop interrupting me Id explain. So, yes - you have the Lords Spirtual who are bishops, and theyre there just because theyre part of the state church, but the other lot - well, thats most of the Lords you know about, and they have a different name. Theyre the Lords Temporal.... He left this statement hanging in the air, looking expectantly at Clara, waiting for her to twig what hed just said. Lords ...Temporal? As in Lords... Time. As in Time Lords? Is that what youre saying? Just as she asked this question, the clouds which had been gathering around the Palace of Westminster suddenly thickened, and the air became heavy with the scent of ozone, indicating a thunderstorm brewing. Oh yes Clara! You wonderful, wonderful limited fantastic being! Exactly! Time Lords! And with this exclamation an almighty lightning bolt formed and struck the clock tower, blowing out all four faces of the clock leaving nothing but the gaping orifices where they had being, and causing a CLANNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG sound, which a short time later was answered from the direction Clara and the Doctor had been walking all night with an equally sonorous CLANNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG. Doctor... is that....? The Cloister Bell in the TARDIS. Oh yes. But dont worry - its nothing bad this time. Its just the old girl showing shes happy. Happy? Oh yes... just wait. And with that, Clara began to hear a noise, familiar yet not. A noise she recognise but much louder, and rich with unfamiliar bass notes. VWORRRRRRP! VWORRRRRRRP! VWORRRRRRRRRP! Before her disbelieving eyes, the Tower of St Stephen dematerialised, leaving only the echoes of its Vworp drive. Doctor... that was..... a..? TARDIS? Oh yes. I said Time Lords would store their essence in a timepiece didnt I? Well, can you imagine anything better for a bunch of egotistical old crumblies like that lot than the clock of Big Ben to store their selves? Six hundred and thirty Time Lords back in the universe. All back. This is big news. On the other hand, the BBC are going to need to figure a new way to start their news. Quirking her smile at the Doctor, Clara strode off in the direction of their TARDIS. Im sure theyll manage. Im sure they will. They always do.
Posted on: Sat, 22 Nov 2014 00:58:21 +0000
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