Story #823 Anonymous Please THE OTHER SIDE OF SUICIDE A while ago, I made up my mind to kill myself, got the rope and planned how Id do it. I fell asleep the day before I was going to take my last walk into the mountains where I picked out a tree to end it on. This dream was so real, I thought I actually did it and wouldnt wake up. I went into a deep dark tunnel, heard my footsteps on the ground, heard birds, felt the weight of the rope in my hand, and wind on my face for the last time. It was like I was yet wasnt inside my body. Something else took over me and my mind was just along for the ride. I tied the rope, my arms were moving but I felt controlled like a puppet. (I started to wonder if this really was my decision or not.) I felt the rope go around my neck, my own hands tied it off. Thats all I remember because what happened next was really it! I felt my body slip out from under me, my neck popped! I felt my head pull away from my backbone inside, heard the bones break, my neck cracked, and the cartilage in my right ear pop. It made the most horrible sound, my own body breaking away from itself and I was still inside of it feeling everything! A quick shot of pain and my head dropped to the right at an awkward angle on my shoulder. I was helpless as a torn ragdoll. The last thing I remember was that shot of agonizing pain and the awful sounds of my body breaking apart. What was worse is feeling helpless and alone! The next thing I saw was my family, friends, my kids whom my ex wouldnt let me see, and all the rez community standing around a grave. I knew it was mine! I couldnt do anything but watch all of this. Even my poor dog I raised as a puppy when his mom was run over was wondering around lost. I felt the hardest sadness, not for me but because I couldnt go back to finish my lifes business. I saw my aunties crying and piling my stuff up getting ready to burn it all. All kinds of gifts and things people brought there but it couldnt help me now. I couldnt smoke the cigarettes they put there or drink the pop they set on my grave. I couldnt hold my children or pet my dog again. I saw the people there who pretty much told me I was no good and should just die because nobody would miss me or care. Yet, here they were. I just wanted to know if they were happy now. They were living, I was dead. Did this make their day? Did I finally get their approval and win their respect? I felt so heavy but couldnt cry. Last thing, I headed over some trees toward the place I ended it feeling so lost and lonely. Then I woke up! That was the biggest surprise of all. I was so confused, I didnt know what to do. I walked away and wondered about it all. The rope I had was gone, I took my dog and hitchhiked out of the rez. The Salvation Army in town is taking care of us right now. I got a part-time job and living at the Y. Im glad Im alive and if my story helps anyone, Ill be glad to see another day. Thank you.
Posted on: Fri, 21 Nov 2014 22:15:19 +0000