Suicide is a Selfish Act? I tried to kill myself many years ago, more than once. It was selfish. But the issue to me lies in our definition and opinion of selfishness and perhaps our reasons for describing suicide as a selfish act. Is it wrong to be selfish? If the pain of existence is so high that a person would think to or in the end actually take their life, its hard not to be selfish, because the pain a person is experiencing defines them, and it has absolutely nothing to do with anybody else. Pain is personal. So by definition, when pain is all there seems to be it is likely to result in selfishness. This isnt something to be criticised. It is what it is. Being selfish is a state of being concerned only with oneself, we will all be selfish at one time or another, for however long or short a period, and more often than not in the times when we are hurt or wounded. Its like egotism. Often we criticise each other for being egotistical, when really the ego is just a shell we form to protect ourselves and those with the biggest egos are usually the ones who have been hurt the most and havent yet figured out a way to make it through life without a mask. I cringe when I think back to my own attempts at ending my life. With the exception of one time, they were all cries for help and I cringe to think I put my friends and family through it. I have apologised and all I can do now is my utmost to not repeat my actions and try to be there for them, should they need it, like they were there for me. But really it was just an expression of a pain I didnt know how to handle. At the time I didnt know any other way. It doesnt make me a bad person, it makes me a human, a child of life trying to figure things out and find a way, like we all are. I look to Robin Williams, I see his face on the TV, I see a sensitivity and a sadness behind the warmth and humour. I think of my dear friends who took their lives, I think how loving they were, I still hear their voices clearly in my mind. The last words one friend said to me, hours before he took his life, were: cheer up Lewis, you sound down yourself, and I can hear the genuine warmth and empathy in his voice and I could cry about it. Now, thinking about it, it seems like he already knew what he was about to do. Suicide, to me, is a helplessness, a hopelessness, a resignation in not finding a solution for the pain of existence. It is personal, it is selfish, but selfishness is not always a negative thing, it is not malicious, it is just a state of being brought about by painful personal experience. So when I hear somebody say suicide is a selfish act, I can agree. And when I sense this statement is coming from a darker more negative place, I can think (or I can try to) this is just coming from another person, a child of life, trying to assert himself and his opinion in a big, sometimes frightening world. Because I guess Ive been and can be both: the opinionated child trying to make waves in an already choppy sea, and the boy on the edge of life, terrified of and in pain. It is sad. Sad my friends, some of my family, Robin Williams and so, so many others didnt find a solution to their pain. But I believe it is out there.
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 09:27:36 +0000
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