Summer, 1985, I was 18 years old. I was visiting my friend Mike Kocher where he lived close to the intersection of 38th avenue north and 58th street in St. Pete. I hopped in my sporty little Audi Fox GTI, which had no a/c so the windows were fully open to go home where I lived at about 38th avenue north and 68th street. The car was made in 1978 and by the time that I bought it used, the rubber pads had worn completely off of the brake and clutch pedals so they were just smooth, little steel plates. The car also had a three spoke steering wheel that resembled the Mercedes symbol. So I’m driving west on 38th avenue, jamming to Van Halen 1984 and stop at the light on 66th street and 38th avenue. I was first at the intersection and no one in front of me. I was only at the light for a few seconds and with no wind rushing through the windows because I am now stopped, I noticed a nasty smell in the car. At that same moment, I also felt that smooth little clutch pedal slipping from underneath my also smoothly worn slip-on Vans. I instinctively pressed harder, but the pedal kept slipping. Pressing even harder, I also was pressing on the gas pedal a bit harder too. I looked down in between those bottom two spokes of my steering wheel to try to see what was happening. Then it dawned on me. I stepped in a large, fresh pile of dog poop in Mikes front yard just before I got into my car. It was a perfect lubricant between that pedal and the sole of my worn shoe. There was a big clump of it also on the inside of my shoe around the ball of my foot. No matter how hard I pressed, the pedal kept slipping and simultaneously scraping all of the poop from my shoe until BAM!!! The clutch slipped loose and flung all of the dog crap through the steering wheel and smacked me right in the chin! And of course when you dump your clutch with your foot into the gas, you’re going to take off. I let off of the gas but it was too late. I did a short burnout into crossing green light traffic that was doing 45ish mph hour and chugged to a complete stop in the middle of the intersection with cars swerving, locking up, screeching tires all around me, blue tire smoke everywhere with a dogshit soul patch. Despite all of the confusion and danger, that big piece of crap was right under my nose and it was awful. Pungent, disgusting and foul so I immediately started wiping it away with my hands. At about that time, the car horns, middle fingers and F bombs started coming from every direction. I was so shaken up and freaked out that I quickly started the car back up to get the hell out of there, further smearing crap all over my keys and steering wheel with it already all over my face and hands. I drove home those last two blocks covered in crap, scared, shaken up, humiliated, broken and on the verge of puking. I pulled into the driveway and jut took the garden hose to myself, and the inside of my car with tears in my eyes. Probably the worst five minutes of my life.
Posted on: Sun, 02 Nov 2014 00:40:41 +0000
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