THANKS MOM FOR BEING PET GRANDMA AND SEEING A COURT GO ALONG WITH WHAT A BATTERY VICTIM WANTED FOR PUNISHMENT, a poem by ELK (all rights reserved) ======================================== I am really tired and exhausted physically and mentally as for the past 2 months it has been going out of town for work stuff 3 times a week and sometimes a different place in the AM and PM I have had to disconnect from my phone because there is no such thing as a short phone call and I have to limit folks emoting and putting their stress on me because I am already stressed out trying to keep up with everything I do I lead the lives of 3 people: family caregiver/lawyer/property manager It has been busy on all 3 fronts but what is good is that I have some really nice pets to greet me when I go home When I get to Moms there is Lucky who I take out for evening business and a walk and Mom usually joins us for a short walk and Lucky looks for his buddy the neighbor doggie who like him is very masculine and the neighbor doggie is bulldog Lucky is a chow/shephard mix but he is very much an alpha male but he is also a dog who really enjoys having family meals And when I pull in the driveway at the family 2nd home one of the cat family kittens is nearly always there ============== I want to thank my Mom for being such a great sport She has been a pet grandma but not a grandma to humans Sara the dog, Baba the cat and now kittens Penguin, Tanner and Rusty Mom has been great to all of her pet grandkids and sometimes I feel bad that she has not had a human one I think if I had to do it alone that I would probably have just one kid but it has been good having my sister around to be a co pet parent to the outdoor cat family kittens My sister just moved back here after Dad died earlier in the year and she has not had a pet since we were kids though she has spent lots of time around my pets Sara the St Bernard and Baba the cat With 3 kittens it is good that my sister and I can co pet parent as I tend to put out morning meals as I tend to do that on the way to court My sister usually does brunch or midday meals Then it is whoever is last one in or who just happens to be around to do evening bedtime snack Mom seems pleased to see my sister having some pets She was an apartment dweller for 14-15 years in Chicago so pets were something that she really could not have But it is good to be able to divide up responsibilities and we do have differing styles but it all seems to be working out sharing a house and Mom is glad to have both of her kids very closeby =============== Outside the front door by what is left of Dads funeral wreath is a chair Dad used to come over a lot and stand or sit on the steps and talk to me about real estate business or whatever The chair is a salute to our Dad who we feel is very much still around But Penguin the kitten likes to sit there sometimes and well it all feels sorta fitting About this time last year the 3 little kittens came into this world just mere weeks before Dad drew his final breaths I dont know why I felt they belonged but I would put out food for them daily I also had this jumbo styrofoam cooler that I put out they could all cuddle in and stay warm outside in our harsh winter They took up residence under my Moms old car and I think the feeling I got when I saw them was like the feeling I got when Pawpaw, Babas father came up and scratched on my door and took me to my shurbs then out jumped Baba Baba as a kitten used to follow me around and she would bounce off the walls and the ceilings and was incredibly active Her favorite meal was salmon and milk and I used to make up songs and sing them to her Baba has bouts of anxiety with the little kittens but my sister and I tell her that she is loved and still has a home and we tell her to not get herself worked up I tell Baba that we have love for everyone Just like when Baba came we knew she belonged and well she got herself a home that will always be her home We think of the 3 kittens as our outdoor protectors and it has been good to see my sister reintegrate into the family as things are going well on that front ============ Even though I write alot about my captain, I do have a decent life though more alone in some ways I feel that I could successfully deal with having a real human kid What I have lacked really is a stable man I can say yes to in good faith who hangs around to get me pregnant and be the Daddy and also at least for a short term or maybe longterm to be my husband ============= I think about my captain and as I was telling Sister Annette today---- how can he call her up and profess his love of me to her even while he is out there seeing S----- as we all tend to feel that marriage is about both of then trying to put out a fake image to make it look like something that it really is not; she probably needed to save face having a 5th marriage fail after 4 months and I guess my captain wanted to project a certain white image and engage in image repair after being tossed out by his former best friend and his daughter then any perceived taint from having me his black girlfriend I tend to think that I was painted as some kinda nutcase but I do hope that the STO investigator can talk with Sister Annette if anyone tries to discredit me or bare false witness I love you still Dennis and I feel that you love me but the difference is that I love Dennis all the time and Dennis admitted his love for me to Sister Annette when no one in his white world was looking If someone in his white world was looking, I would be vilified or degraded but when he was talking with Sister Annette away from all that he was honest and spoke highly of me like one does their wife and admitted we belong together and the problem was his issues with my race fearing whites in his life would disown him or mistreat him or abandon him I do not know really what to say because the kind of pain I have been dealing with is weird because I love him and he loves me so one would think this ought to be simple ...but when a person is making their life decisions on the basis of race alone it makes me angry that you got me involved with you offering me a real relationship if you were not gonna have some courage to stick by me and stick with me even if there were some who might treat you funny for that ...I struggle with how my captain has not apologized because I feel like he brandished the knife and threatened to cut me because he became enraged when his white world learned of his love for his black girlfriend then he had to come down on my really hard to look like I did not matter as much to him as I do then he would call Sister Annette feeling really bad and guilty for mistreating me who he truly loves All I know is that I was put in a really awful and horrible position I know that I am putting it off but I am gonna have to appropriately confront my captain and pursue justice for myself if he is not gonna come back to me and apologize on his own and try to make things right for me and up to me both on his own I think what is hard is accepting this man loves me and did wrong by me anyway Even if he did not choose to stay with me who he loves, there is no excuse for his not apologizing to me and trying to make amends And I feel like if there is not a penalty for him to face that he will feel it is ok to misuse women of color to feed his soul while trying to lead a cover white life that is really a lie to who he really is But I really am a very normal person and a normal woman and I think a big part of the problem is that I was offered a real relationship upfront by my captain then he wanted to keep me as a secret to subordinate to a white life and all I can say really is SUK MA BAG and thank God that I found some courage to speakup and not go along with some kinda hairbrain bullshit that is so many levels of wrong that a part of me wants my captain to end up in front of a judge so he can hear an objective person tell him that his behavior toward me has been total bullshit and many degrees of wrong I feel like privately the two of us could work things out if you put us in a room alone in probably 15 minutes or less I guess my captain loves a white life/ white image more than he does me This is another case of being loved but not loved enough and all the way for it to make as much of a real difference to my overall life and not just to a point in time I am not anti love at all as I believe it is great and wonderful thing Love that is pure and based on true connection like a soulmate is something that does not come around much in ones life ========== What has been hard for me is watching my captain still love me but make a life decision on the basis of race alone I started to feel how folks like my parents probably felt growing up in Segregation facing open racism in life and I can understand how folks like my parents and their classmates in college became so disgusted with it all that they got out and marched, protested and put it on the line to change things so that segregation would go away for future generations It is one thing to think something is wrong but it is another to take a stand against what is wrong and to try to make that wrong go away So as a friend of mine told me---- you have put off going to the SAO as much as you can but you are the sort of person who has to take a stand against what you know is wrong to feel right in yourself even if I love my captain very much because no matter how you look at it my captain did a lot of wrong and made no efforts to apologize or atone and he has had a lot of time to apologize and atone and even knows that he should have done that And he told Sister Annette he would apologize to me but I guess what happened is that someone white was looking so he had to go along with this vilify me for doing nothing wrong fake routine he has done to try to make it like I am not loved and wanted like I am to whites nevermind the truth is I am liked, wanted and loved and have been from the start because you act one way then would call Sister Annette to be honest about loving me and saying the only reason Im not a wife is my race but regardless it all is a weird and a sicko way to treat a really wonderful person as good as me ============== And maybe someone else talking to my captain can teach him that his thinking is wrong where maybe he grew up in a way where a lot of things were taught to him wrongly and all I can say is maybe that will help make a difference I also wish he had come to Indiana and stayed with me a few weeks to a month like you said you would do Id like for you to come visit me and stay with me long enough for you to figure out if you can be happy living part of your life here in Indiana and not in Florida....in short do what you said you would do if you get an annulment and out of your current bad life decision marrying S----- and being her 6th husband and she is just in her late 30s and about to become a grandma this month I think what hurts here is that I feel like you never gave us a full and a fair chance because you were obsessed with hiding me from the start because of my race then when I tried to have us do normal relationship stuff you would go off or act funny or make up excuses fearful of us being found out before whites in your family/ friend group because I am black and that is unfair to put me in that sorta position and I had no idea that is what you were doing If you are not willing to apologize, then I tend to think the SAO should prosecute you if they offer you a pretrial diversion and you do not take it There are some folks in the world who do not understand they did a lot of wrong that hurt real people until they have to face possibly losing something that they want to have just like they caused someone loss who did nothing at all wrong but believe in someone who was misleading them in part for their own selfish reasons and who loved them anyway and still loves them unconditionally because they got involved with someone they love who they knew loved them as well You told the truth to Sister Annette about everything but in real life rather than honoring that you went with a white image over who you love and knew you belonged with for life as you told Sister Annette you knew you belonged with me for life but could not get past my race so were looking for me in a white body You have always been without regard for what you were doing to my life as you know that like you I knew we loved each other, are soulmates and belong together for life as well only I am not someone who lives a fake image of myself like you have been doing Instead I live true to who I am and I openly admit it is a struggle to be me who is a really good person and woman who is very sweet who due to my race is most likely not the wife and mother to a human too and not just pets as I know and most folks I run into know that I should be all those things in addition to being me but I am not those things because I met someone who should have offered that to me based on how we feel about each other my captain and rather than trying to do right by me you put a fake white image above me the woman you love and who is your soulmate because I am black without regard for wrecking my life and that of my family then you lack the decency to try to apologize/atone for taking to a violent act to try to protect a fake white image over doing the right thing and being honest I just think how you have been living and the irrational anger it has left you in with periodic criminal justice encounters is something that is a problem for society and not just me because no one cares if you love a black woman and are attracted to black women but you have no business pulling out a deadly weapon to threaten me or someone because you are so irrationally enraged that your love of me who is black comes out that you threaten physical violence and engage in multiple acts of intimidation toward me and to try vilify me wrongly to hide how you really feel If you do not have better impulse control and the ability to not go too far trying to hide who you really are, that is a societal problem when one threatens someone with a deadly weapon for not going along with lies as you were wrong to put a fake white image of the wellbeing of real people It is not that I do not love you as I still love you very much Dennis but I am starting to see you more for how you behaved as the rose colored lenses have come off =============== But it has taken me time to accept the truth of your actions because I believed that you would apologize to me and try to atone to me on your own I think I have given you a lot of time to do that as you have had 9 and a half months to apologize and atone to me I am reaching a place in myself where I feel I can feel ok about taking actions for you to feel the wrong of what you did to me because I view it not just as a wrong against me but a wrong against society I was in court up in Angola and one of the cases the judge went ahead and did what the victim of domestic battery wanted on a case So I do not feel I am unreasonable to want you to go the counseling in hopes of behavior modification and anger management being achieved and so you learn that persons of color like me and women of color like me are normal wanting to be treated normal and get respect, dignity and recognition I am not sure you will learn that lesson unless people who are white help you to learn that lesson by not letting you get away with bad behavior that is detrimental to a good person and a society because an ill advised marriage does not wipe out all the wrong you did that you know is wrong I do not want you to face a big penalty but if you are not gonna do the right thing on your own then a penalty you should face Any decent person would have immediately and timely apologized to me for brandishing a knife and threatening to cut me as opposed to threatening me more, silence, lying to me and playing mind games I know that you still love me and that you did all that to look a certain way to whites and that too is sick my captain because you want to hide that you love a black woman and you have had attraction to black women since you were in high school as well too To love me when no one is looking and to treat me right when we are alone but to not be that way before others is also wrong and I hope to be able to prove that is why in large part you are so angry and got to be in rage because I just happened to be someone who forced you to face who you really are versus the fake act that you are putting out before white family/friends in your life I reckon you have been living a fake version of you for a long time hiding your desire for black women and also whatever abuse that you went thru when you were young So I hope if you are more or less forced to counseling that you will start the journey of getting right in yourself and the journey of facing that women of color like myself are real people just as much as white women are even if we are not as in demand in our society and that no one deserves a knife in their face being threatened with being cut because they want to live their life more honestly and not go along with someone living their life based on lies and screwed up because they do not want to live right in themselves and instead puts out a certain image that is fake perfect versus being a for real down to earth human being .... and I am not saying it is not your right to live screwed up trying to project a fake white image but what I am saying is that I should not have been threatened with a deadly weapon like a knife because I try to live my life normal and did not want to be a secret that was subordinated to a white life image or participate in lies being perpetuated to good people I realize after seeking justice for myself and an apology there is not really much of anything I can do I have patiently been waiting for my captain to come back to me and to apologize to me in person and try to atone I long ago felt we could work things out between us if you had done like you used to do and admit it and apologize when you screwed up and ask for me to accept your apology and say that we should let that go and start over on that point Only you did not do that my captain so I have had to pursue my healing on my own And I think sitting in court in Steuben County I realized as the victim here that there is a decent chance if I say I am good with you being offered a pretrial diversion with counseling/apology components that most courts will go along with that if I am there in person to say that is good with me after what I have gone thru
Posted on: Sat, 11 Oct 2014 10:13:20 +0000