THE DAMAGING DOSSIER Even the story that Amai had sold the presidential jet only after being ordered to do so by her IMF masters did not make it into the damaging dossier. For this dossier, full of secrets that made the Chief Mourner’s blood turn to mgaiwa porridge, was the most closely guarded dossier that the Chief Mourner had ever had the misfortune of perusing ever since the leakage of Thengo Mbalame’s project to rig the Bawo Championships in his favour in 1991. It all began one rainy Friday night. With a rather disturbing sense of urgency in his voice, Gogo Sinsamala informed the Chief Mourner over a telephone conversation that a top-secret dossier was coming. The dossier would be delivered directly to the Chief Mourner’s hut. For this reason, said Gogo Sinsamala, the Chief Mourner was not to leave the his hut, just in case the courier ended up darkening the Chief Mourner’s reed door while the Chief Mourner was away. The Chief Mourner thus remained indoors, eating the less than satisfactory Nsima that can only be blamed on the new and unfamiliar mthiko he had procured from Abiti Mwenye the week before. Surprisingly, Gogo Sinsamala’s apparently urgent dossier arrived after a full two weeks of Bonya and lumpy nsima punishment. The saga of the delay was itself a revelation of the sorry state of Amai’s government. First, one Robert Hara, the faithful courier to whom Gogo Sinsamala had entrusted the all-important dossier developed Malaria somewhere in the Lilongwe area. He went to Kamuzu Central Hospital for treatment, only to be told that there was no Malaria medicine there and he must try a sing’anga by the road side. Having no spare money for buying the medicine privately, even from a roadside sing’anga, Robert Hara went to a relative in Area 23 and remained there with no idea whether he would get better or worse. He did not get better. The dossier was in Area 23 for a few days before Gogo Sinsamala found another trusted courier to retrieve it and continue its progress. Following this sad indictment of Amai’s government, the Nissan half-tonner that the replacement courier took to finish the trip run out of fuel somewhere in the Ntcheu area. With the owners gone to Ntcheu Boma to find fuel, for which they queued for two days and two nights, and passengers finding refuge elsewhere from the pelting rain, thieves took advantage of the situation and helped themselves to the tyres. The vehicle was thereby incapacitated and remains at Nsipe until this day. It is for this and other reasons, caused entirely by Amai’s Kutakatanomics, that the dossier was so severely delayed. Still, the rather damp and slightly mouldy but quite voluminous dossier finally arrived at the Chief Mourner’s door two weeks after leaving the Bawo club. One look at the contents and the Chief Mourner immediately understood the urgency and nervousness that had been in Gogo Sinsamala’s voice. This was one severely damaging dossier. The dossier had been leaked to Gogo Sinsamala from the office of one of Malawi’s “great thinkers”, Attorney General Laughter Kambala. *[The Chief Mourner humbly apologises that in the World Thinkers List released in late 2012, the name “Laughter Kambala” was erroneously printed as “Raphael Kambala”. Typos do happen. Those that heard a recent cabinet appointments announcement on MBC, in which the Vice President was erroneously given to be supervisor of MEC, will testify to the occurrence of high-level typos!]* It is not surprising to the Chief Mourner that the leakage of the dossier is believed to be the cause of the breakdown of Amai’s relationship with Laughter Kambala. The dossier contains evidence of many matters Amai would like no one to know, and Laughter Kambala’s carelessness in letting this particularly big cat out of the bag is a serious matter. The whole plan, apparently hatched by a South African public relations consultant, complete with the power point presentation that was given to Amai on how to get ready for the demise of the former president was in the dossier. Yet this was just the tip of the iceberg. A secret memorandum containing a prophecy from a Nigerian prophet, circa February 2012, promised Amai her presidency but warned that her kingdom will only last for two years and would end in the 2014 elections. Indeed the prophet warned Amai never to be seen in public without a shoulder sash lest a great misfortune befall her that will prevent her from finishing even the 2 years granted to her by fate. Since Gogo Sinsamala has strongly advised the Chief Mourner not reveal all the details of the dossier in one jeremiad, the Chief Mourner will be discussing the dossier’s details in subsequent articles. However, the following is the general list of the sensitive matters contained in the damaging dossier: • Since according to the prophet, Amai will not win in 2014, Amai’s strategists advised her to make hay while the sun shines. Kutakatata-nomics must be the order of the day. As it is often said at the bawo club, when one has only one mtaji on the floor, one has to make it count! • Amai should nevertheless have plan B and prepare for elections anyway. After all, these prophets cannot be fully trusted when it comes to your own election chances! They are quite reliable, however, if predicting the death of a president, from which you, as VP you will benefit and take on the mantle! Plan B is essentially to ensure that every advantage is afforded to Amai by leaning heavily and tampering with MEC. The VP should become overseer of MEC, and Amai’s name must be first on the list of presidential candidates. This has in fact brought problems to the bawo club as Abiti Mwenye is now insisting that she should always start the bawo, even though it has all along been a random affair with everyone allowed a chance to start. • The International Community (IMF and donors) have the power to make or break a presidency. They must be courted at all costs and all media critical of Amai and accessible by the international community must be controlled and spied upon. Hordes of blind loyalists must infest the internet, particularly Facebook. Money and threats must be employed to silence the voice of Malawians. The PP youth camp comprised mainly of uneducated over eager youths who can easily be brainwashed must be online 24 hours a day, singing Amai praise songs, albeit in flat notes and constant discord! The Chief Mourner could have doubted some of the genuineness of the dossier, had it not been for the PP infighting that had followed the ugly scramble for MK35 million that had been set aside to silence the internet group My Malawi My views. The recent announcement by MEC of their intention to change the manner in which presidential candidates are presented on the ballot also gave the Chief Mourner some food for thought. Of course the damaging dossier had more information revealing Amai’s desperation, which the Chief Mourner could reveal here and now. But is this not the reason why Malawians and mourners everywhere should regularly visit the Bawo club? As for Laughter Kambala, Gogo Sinsamala says that he has been sweating profusely since the leakage of the dossier to the extent that the Rapid Team laundry has refused to clean his over styled and overpriced suit!
Posted on: Thu, 19 Sep 2013 07:24:39 +0000
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