THE LAST LAUGH: I am usurping for Fairfield Tyrant by Tony Wade October 6, 2014 “Mourn for us oppressed in fear, chained and shackled, we are bound, freedom choked, in dread we live since Tyrant was enthroned . . .” – “Tyrant” by Judas Priest Carl Lamera, one of the administrators of the Facebook group I Grew Up in Fairfield Too Part Deux Uncensored, recently launched a grass-roots campaign to get people to write me in as mayor of Fairfield because current Mayor Harry Price is running unopposed. I declined. I mean, the mayors that I researched, McDonald’s Mayor McCheese and the Monopoly Mayor, wear top hats. I look horrible in a top hat. Mayor McCheese also wears a sash and no way could I pull that off. Also, one of the main qualifications to be mayor is to be able to cut ribbons on new businesses with those extra jumbo scissors. I actually got my hands on a pair of those and despite my mother’s voice in my head warning me not to do it, I couldn’t help myself and ran with them. The results were disastrous. My only other experience with mayors is the fact that I kinda like that John Mayer song “Who You Love.” It made me wonder why his surname is pronounced like mayor, but Oscar-Mayer is pronounced like “Meyer.” But I digress. I am unwilling to be a write-in candidate. To paraphrase 36th U.S. President Lyndon Baines Johnson, “I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party or a keg party or anyone fighting for their right to party for a term as your mayor.” Incidentally, I believe that lil’ paraphrased speech by LBJ was sandwiched somewhere between the furor when he lifted his pet beagle by the ears and when Forrest Gump unexpectedly let him survey his wounded bare buttocks. But again I digress. Besides fashion and lack of experience, I just don’t want to be Fairfield mayor. I want to be Fairfield tyrant. I was inspired by the song “Tyrant” by British heavy metal band Judas Priest off their 1976 album “Sad Wings of Destiny.” Being the one tyrannized kinda sucks, but being the one causing the tyranny sounds fun. The problem is tyrants aren’t elected, they usurp power. So my plan is to usurp the power from the duly elected Harry Price, then start my tyrannical reign. I have always wanted to usurp something. My first order of business will be to annex Suisun City. I mean, no one but locals can pronounce it anyway (Eddie Money played there years ago and called it “Sassoon”) and now they won’t have to. To appease locals, both Harry Price and Sassoon City Mayor Pete Sanchez (also running unopposed) will be kept on as puppet leaders. Literally. I will have life-size marionettes constructed of each of them that I will control during city council meetings. I will learn how to make them dance like Dick Van Dyke when he pretended to be a puppet in “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.” The music will be, of course, Metallica’s “Master of Puppets.” I will then make decrees on a whim and seal them with the declaration “SO SHALL IT BE TEXTED, SO SHALL IT BE DONE!” Off the top of my head, a few will be: (1) City Council meetings will start with the playing of Jimi Hendrix’s Woodstock version of the national anthem. (2) Anyone who blasphemes Dave’s Giant Hamburgers will be banished to the dreaded nether regions of my Empire. In other words, Vallejo. (3) The medieval torture device the Iron Maiden will be used to punish serious offenses like morons who wear their pants around their ankles, Harley-Davidson riders who crank their stereos at gas stations/stop lights and checkout clerks who ask, “Did you find everything OK?” When the Iron Maiden is being used to punish offenders, majestic metal music by the device’s namesake will be played loudly to drown out their anguished screams. My only problem is, how exactly does one usurp power? Is there usurp syrup or something? Oh well, scratch that plan. I won’t be Fairfield tyrant nor a write-in mayoral candidate. But I will be a draw-in candidate. Practice by doing a Google search for “How to draw Fat Albert.” Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at [email protected].
Posted on: Mon, 06 Oct 2014 13:09:44 +0000
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