TO LOVE AND LOSE He had his face inclined towards me, maybe so that he would look at my face, or listen to what I had to say. I was talking about the songs I like, the things that make me happy and the things I like and I do not like. He sat there beside me, listening and asking questions every once in a while to keep the conversation going. We were in a matatu on our back home. To this date, I have not forgotten that day; it is the very first memory I have of him. That was probably our first conversation. Then followed the texts and phone calls and conversations without end. It was beautiful, a thing I could hold on to. A friendship with a male, special in its own way. I was young then, naïve, more of a little girl and less of the woman I am now. The friendship blossomed. Feelings came marching in. I concealed mine, out of fear, out of the respect that I had and still have for him. I concealed them because I did not and still do not want to lose a precious friend. I concealed them and talked and thought of other dudes. Of all my male friends, he listens to me more keenly. Every time he and I have a conversation, I feel like he is really listening, because he wants to know what is going on in my life. He listens and never forgets. Whenever we are together, my friends tell me that he looks at me like a man does to a woman he loves, that my face glows and that I am happy when I am with him. They tell me we would make a great couple, that we are cute together. I have thought about it too. Every time I am with him and I feel that there is a chance he might bring the subject up, I tell him I am still searching for someone I can connect with, someone I can fall in love with. That way I prevent the awkward conversation and a possible blossoming of love. I have seen the agony in his eyes. Lord knows I care for him. Lord knows that that night we were walking together beneath those trees I wanted to tell him what I felt, I wanted to touch him, to hold his hand, to look into his eyes. Lord knows I have felt him stare at him while I look at other directions and that I am afraid of ever hurting him. I felt the tension in the air. He now has a girlfriend. I am happy for him. I mean, a man can wait and hope for so long until a time he is no longer sure what he is waiting for and then he moves on. Or tries to. And I am glad that he has found someone because that means I can/will too. I am not sure what I have done; I have probably missed out on a rare chance. These relationships can be tricky at times. I am a coward when it comes to love; the thought of being hurt scares me. I do not want to play the sad love songs and cry my eyes out and wish that I had never met someone. Garfield tendency. I still have him as my friend, and no; I do not feel jealous of his girlfriend and yes; we have a wonderful friendship. I laugh and chuckle when my friends tell me his eyes were shining and that my face glows when I talk to him. I tell them they are imagining things. I know they are not.
Posted on: Wed, 11 Sep 2013 18:04:44 +0000
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