TO WHAT END? By Muyiwa Afolabi For many years there have been several debates, arguments, opinions and theologies about the role of the man and the role of the woman in relationships and marriage. The majority however, rule that the man ought to be in charge of his home or the relationship as the head. He should take the lead as women are genetically wired to look up and depend on the male gender for care, love, protection and provision and the man has been wired to do this for his woman and home. Over the years, situations, circumstances, pressure, negative experiences and character failure has coloured the truth of this subject matter. Many today believe that the woman mus tcontribute as far as needs are concerned. They strongly believe the woman must work too, earn good money and bring also. It has become a rule and many people are buying into this. Frankly speaking the socio- economic situation especially in Nigeria today makes this rule an easy sale. Considering how difficult it is today for a young man; just starting, to rent an apartment, furnish it, pay bills, buy a car, fuel the car, get married, birth a baby, cater for the family and provide comfort for all, bracing it alone is extremely stretching. Hence the need for financial support from his wife; this support is a core essence and purpose of the relationship; helping hand, a supporter – thats who she is, which is good. However there is a trend nowadays that is becoming scary and dangerous. Career type and career success is becoming a vital consideration for a lot of men in choosing who to marry. Several bachelors i counsel and mentor would tell me they cant marry a lady without a good job and a good income. When I ask them why, they tell me they dont want a liability and cant suffer for any woman. This thinking and mindset Im afraid is so ridiculous, and shocking i must say. I really cant understand how a real man would be so interested in his wifes income, expect her to compulsorily contribute and still claim headship and demand respect! May I say this morning that as a man youre not entitled to honour and respect from your woman because of your gender but more because of your responsibility and your assignment to her as a man? Respect from your woman is more because of what you do than what you are. If your woman is the one doing what youre supposed to be doing, lets face it, it will be quite difficult for her to submit to you except influenced by religion or culture. Its tragic also that many women out of desperation to get married or keep their marriages subscribe to this ideology. The truth is you are not created to function as a bread winner, support? Absolutely, but not the bread winner. Your man is to provide, you are to support. For now you may think its cool and youre doing it for love, but after a while you will definitely get tired and resentment will begin to set in. You wouldnt like him that much anymore, you will begin to feel used and abused. Its not your fault; youre not designed to function in that capacity. You wont be happy especially if youre surrounded with female friends and colleagues with husbands taking charge and responsibility. You see the fact that many subscribe to it and even advocate this ideology doesnt make it right? At the end of the day, it will back lash and the true test of any principle or philosophy is in the outcome, weather popular or not. You cannot buy love, you cannot buy marriage; it comes naturally. Please understand me, men do face challenges and set- backs in life and some of these problems get really bad that for a season the man may not be able to meet up or take responsibility. In moments as such the woman should of course step in to relief and assist her man. Thats what shes there for. But in situations where the man absolutely relinquishes his responsibility to his woman because she is hardworking, a goal getter, successful in career and rich, it is abuse. It makes me feel really bad every weekday when I see this lovely woman in her late thirties, living a few blocks down my street shoving her three children into the car and rushing off to beat the traffic on her way to work as early as 5:45am. As usual she would wave to me and smile as I observe my roadwork every morning. For more than five years shes been sustaining her family alone and her husband does nothing. She pays the bills including the rent and school fees, clothes her family buys the cars and her husband does nothing. For all the years hes been hiding under the profession that hes a contractor hence, he wouldnt get employed and doesnt need anyone to get him a job, and for over five years hes yet to execute a single contract. Hes usually at home every day in the mornings and would drive out to the club or viewing centre by 8pm till about midnight. About three weeks ago we met at the barbers shop and he requested that I rejoice with him and his family because his wife just got promoted again and has been given an SUV vehicle for official use. I was embarrassed; he actually drove the vehicle to the barbers shop and was proud too. I couldnt just understand him. Increasingly we see several men making excuses when it comes to living up to their responsibilities as boyfriends, husbands and fathers, blaming the economy, the government and the system. While their ladies work tirelessly everyday doing what they should be doing. The pain in this is that most of such men cant even handle the fact that these poor women are succeeding where theyve failed and they become egoistic, obnoxious, irritable and oppressive. They criticize her, condemn her, judge her and oppress her - interpreting her every gesture as pride and insubordination, always emphasizing the fact that they are the man in the relationship and the head of the home. This is not right. My dear fellow men, its time to wake up to our responsibilities. I believe were tougher than the system, the economy and our personal challenges. We are not the giving up type; oh no we make no excuses. Rise up today and write that application, make that phone call, visit that friend that can help you. Enough of the excuses, you are the man. Take charge of your home; take responsibility for your home. Take responsibility for the relationship. Your woman has done so much, please dont discourage her or let resentment creep in. You are gifted and you are able. Pending the time that big deal or contract materialises, please get a job, earn something, make some money and perform your role. Make your woman proud and your children happy. If you dont do it now, you may eventually lose their love, affection and attention and become pretty lonely at old age. Be the man, do your stuff. Prove your worth, impress your woman and be proud of you. Enjoy your day.
Posted on: Fri, 01 Aug 2014 11:15:40 +0000
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