Teach your child to share with these simple steps from Dr. Bill and Dr. Sears Children have difficulty sharing, especially young children. This is a normal part of the development process. Knowing and accepting this is the first step in helping your child grow up to be a generous person. Here’s an overview of what’s going on inside that possessive little mind. 1. Selfishness comes before sharing The power to possess is a natural part of the child’s growing awareness. “I do it myself!” and “mine!” scream the headlines in the toddler’s tabloid. In fact, “mine” is one of the earliest words to come out of a toddler’s mouth. The growing child develops attachments to things as well as persons. This ability to form strong attachments is important to being an emotionally healthy person. The one-year-old has difficulty sharing her mommy; the two-year-old has difficulty sharing her teddy bear. Some children get so attached to a toy that the raggedy old doll becomes part of the child’s self. When asked to draw a picture of herself, four-year-old Hayden would always include her doll — as if it were part of her body. Can you imagine convincing her to share this doll with a playmate? It was too important. She could not feel safe and secure if that doll was being handled by another child. 2. When to expect a child to share True sharing implies empathy, the ability to get into another’s mind and see things from their viewpoint. Children are seldom capable of true empathy under the age of six. Prior to that time they share because you condition them to do so. Don’t expect a child less than two or 2½ to easily accept sharing. Children under two are into parallel play — playing alongside other children, but not with them. They care about themselves and their possessions and do not think about what the other child wants or feels. But, given guidance and generosity, the selfish two-year-old can become a generous three or four-year-old. Attachment-parented kids may be more sensitive to others’ needs and thus more willing to share, or they may be more aware of their own need to preserve their sense of self by not sharing. It’s easier to share with someone less powerful than you or less threatening, (i.e., someone younger,)—a visitor rather than a sibling, a quiet child rather than a demanding one. Much depends on your child’s temperament. Follow your child’s cues in judging when he is ready to share. Even at four or five years of age, expect selective sharing. A child may reserve a few precious possessions just for himself. The child is no more likely to share her treasured teddy or tattered blanket than you would share your wedding ring or the heirloom shawl your mother gave you. Respect and protect your child’s right to his own possessions. Kids know kids. At four, Matthew sized up his friend Johnny, an impulsive, curious child who would have been a natural durability tester for a toy manufacturer. Johnny explored every moving part, pulled and twisted them; only the strongest toy could survive this child. Matthew recognized his friend’s destructive nature and hid his more valuable toys 3. Don’t force a child to share Instead, create attitudes and an environment that encourage your child to want to share. There is power in possession. To you, they’re only toys. To a child, they’re a valuable, prized collection that has taken years to assemble. Respect the normal possessiveness of children while you encourage and model sharing. Then watch how your child operates in a group play setting — you’ll learn a lot about your child and about what kind of guidance he’ll need. If your child is always the grabber, he’ll learn that other kids won’t want to play with him. If he’s always the victim, he needs to learn the power of saying “no.” In the preschool years your child naturally goes through a “what’s in it for me” stage, which will progress into a more socially aware “what’s in it for us” stage. Gradually — with a little help from parents — children learn that life runs more smoothly if they share. 4. Get connected A child gives as he is given to. Children who have been on the receiving end of generosity follow the model they’ve been given and become generous persons themselves. Also, a child who feels right is more likely to share. An attachment-parented child is more likely to have a secure self-image. He needs fewer things to validate his self-worth. In taking a poll of attachment- parented children in our practice, we found they needed fewer attachment objects. They are more likely to reach for mother’s hand than cling to a blanket. 5. Model generosity when you teach your child to share If big monkey shares, so will little monkey. When someone asks to borrow one of your “toys,” make this a teachable moment: “Mommy is sharing her cookbook with her friend.” Let your sharing shine. Share with your children: “Want some of my popcorn?” “Come sit with us — we’ll make room for you.” “No fairness” may be the single most frequently repeated complaint of childhood. Try to be an equal opportunity parent as much as possible, while teaching your children that other factors come into play in day-to-day life. 6. Play games Play “Give one to big brother. Give one to Daddy.” You want to convey the message that sharing is a normal way of life and sharing spreads joy. TEACHING LIFE PRINCIPLES THROUGH PLAY A good way to model principles to a young child is through play. Games hold a child’s attention, allowing lessons to sink in, in the spirit of fun Consider the character traits that are fostered during a simple game: humor, fairness, honesty, generosity, concentration, flexibility, obedience to rules, sensitivity, and the all-American value of competitiveness. And, sorry to say, unhealthy traits such as selfishness, jealousy, lying, and cheating can also be experienced through play. Expect play time to reflect how life is to be lived, and tolerate only principled play. 7. When to step in While we don’t expect toddlers to be able to share, we use every opportunity we can to encourage taking turns. Teach your child how to communicate her needs to her friends. Say something like, “When Catherine is all done with the car, then you can ride it. Ask her when she will be done” If the group dynamics are going in the right direction and the children seem to be working the problem out among themselves, stay a bystander. If the situation is deteriorating, intervene. Self-directed learning — with or without a little help from caregivers — has the most lasting value. 8. Time-sharing Using a timer can help you referee toy squabbles. Johnny and Jimmy are having trouble sharing the toy. You intervene by asking each one to choose a number and the one who chooses the closest number to the one you thought of gets the toy first. You then set the timer. Two minutes is about right for younger children. You can ask older ones to wait longer. When the timer goes off, the toy goes to the second child for the same amount of time (though he has probably forgotten that he wanted it). External and internal timers help children learn valuable lessons for later life – how to take turns and how to delay gratification. If the time method doesn’t work, Put it on the shelf and explain that the toy stays there until they learn to share it. They will learn to compromise and share and cooperate so that everyone winds up winning. 9. Plan ahead If your child has trouble sharing his toys and a playmate is coming over, ask the playmate’s parent to send toys along. Kids can’t resist toys that are new to them. Soon your child will realize that he must share his own toys in order to get his hands on his playmate’s. Or, if you are bringing your sharing child to the home of a non-sharing child, bring toys along. Some children develop a sense of justice and fairness at a very young age. 10. Protect your child’s interests as you teach your child to share It’s normal for a child to be selfish with some toys and generous with others. Guard the prized toy. “This is Susie’s special birthday toy. You may play with these other ones until she’s ready to share.” 11. Give your child opportunities to share To encourage sharing, Janet gave four-year-old Benjamin a whole cookie with the request, “Please give some of the cookie to Robin.” He broke off a piece and gave it to her. It was good practice for Benjamin and, from his modeling, two-year-old Robin learned about sharing. askdrsears
Posted on: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 05:29:50 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015