Thank you Father for another day with Rosalie!! I’m so sorry that I have not been on here to update as much the last week. If I can be totally honest here I will tell you that the last couple weeks have been very difficult. I feel like the last week or so I entered back into that dark hole I have talked about many times. I have been in a very dark place feeling very alone, hurt, angry, sad and about every negative emotion possible. As hard as I tried to climb out of the hole I just kept getting kicked back in. I felt as if God had left my side and all the peace that I felt over our situations just vanished. I started to blame myself for the way our life was, for her accident. The thoughts grazed my mind… “ This was all my fault, I didn’t protect my daughter.” I was right there at the edge and I didn’t protect her and now our life is all messed up. How did this happen, this is what I kept asking myself? The devil attacked me right where he knew he could get me. I received message after message from some of Rosalie’s followers telling me how bad of a mom I was for letting this happen. There were messages from people telling me that it was my fault, I should have paid closer attention and then I wouldn’t be where I am today. People that blamed, judged, belittled, shot down and discouraged me. Have I acted on these messages? No, and I never will. I know who I am in Christ and the Devil will not win. One thing that God lead me to do is pray over these people. I prayed protection of their family so that they will never have to endure the pain and hurt that I have had to over the last year. I really wanted to share another piece of my life with everyone……. My pain. The pain I feel torchers me everyday. The thought of Rosalie sitting on my lap 5 minutes before I pulled her lifeless body out of the pool makes me wish I would have just held her longer. There was a time I remember that brings tears to my eyes every time it enters my mind, which is everyday. We were at a baseball game and she wanted to sit on my lap but I was too “busy” and I told her just to sit down and I would hold her later. I wish I could go back and kick myself for thinking I was “too busy” I wish someone would have really helped me see life in this way before her accident. I beat myself up every day for not just taking her sweet little hand and pulling her up on my lap. Some of the question from the messages I received were “what happened that day?”- “What actually happened that day?” “Where were you?” “Why I let this happen?” “Why I was not watching her Close enough?” ”How I could have been so irresponsible?” “If I would X…Y…Z then Rosalie would still be here with me…… so on and so forth….. I honestly can’t answer those questions myself sometimes. I did everything “worldly” that day that I could to protect her. No words from anyone will ever come close to the mental torcher I go through every day myself. One thing I have learned from all of this is… Man was I quick to judge others and their own situations. It has taught me to be quick to encourage and help, instead of discourage and place judgment. Because I have no idea what that person may be facing inside themselves. I have felt the judgment upon me and it cuts deep. Believe me as a mom if I could go back and change the past I would in a heartbeat. But this is the life I am dealt with now. I can choose to continue to live in my hole or I can deny myself, take up my cross every day and proclaim Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. We are all going to have some really tough days while we are here, days that almost seem un-bearable in our weak human shells. But let me tell you something, even aside from all the pain I may feel…… There is FREEDOM in Christ. If he can save me from all my mental anguish and continue to block the pain and bring me back to peace time and time again, he can bring that to you as well. No matter what you may face today, THERE IS FREEDOM. No matter how “people” may look at you or you think they view you….. It doesn’t matter because Christ only views us through eyes of GRACE< LOVE
Posted on: Tue, 18 Jun 2013 16:08:39 +0000
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