Thanking God for GROWTH!! Okay...so I was no longer going to post on this site. I just felt as if I had come to a turning point in my life and it was time to move on. I am no longer where I used to be. Its been 2 years for me. And in that time, I have grown immensely. The ironic thing about all of this it is that just a week or so ago, I still did not know if I even wanted my marriage. Fast forward to now----I have no clue what happened. Its like something finally clicked for me....like I reached the end of some proverbial road. He and I were disagreeing (arguing) about something. I dont even remember what it was about. I just became really overcome with exhaustion. I could not listen to him anymore. I could not listen to myself anymore. I could not explain myself anymore. I could not defend myself anymore. I just had no energy left to fight. I felt physically, emotionally and spiritually drained. And so I told him, I cant do this. I am tired of being tired. I am exhausted with this. I am tired of trying to explain myself and trying to make you understand me. I cant fight anymore. Then, I just walked away. (Keep in mind that no matter what we argued or disagreed about, at the heart of that argument, the infidelity was what I was truly angry about and fighting about). For two years, I have been fighting, defending, accusing, ruminating, obsessing, and not truly living...just growing more and more tired with every fight, every defense, every accusation, every rumination and every obsession. So instead of rejecting him, I decided that its time that I accepted what he has been trying to offer... a new beginning, an apology...a second chance at our lives together. I decided to move forward in my own life--a life of being a mother and yes, a wife-his wife. I love my husband (I never stopped) and have to accept that he made a lot of selfish and wrong decisions. He is trying to right those wrongs, and I must allow him to do so if we are to save our marriage. I have decided to give my marriage a real chance. However, I am confident and adamant that I will leave if infidelity happens again. And, he is well aware of this, since I have told him many, many times. I dont think there is any need for me to threaten, ignore, regurgitate the past or argue with him anymore, especially regarding this issue. I have said everything and more than maybe I should have when it comes to this. There is nothing left to say, nothing left to lose and so, so much to gain from this experience. Again, I have decided to move forward in my life and my marriage with my husband. I am hopeful. I am trying. I am open to his love. I am vulnerable. Yet, here I remain.....TRYING... :-)
Posted on: Thu, 21 Aug 2014 22:39:13 +0000