The Perfect Mother By Allyson Reynolds Over the years I have talked to more than one mom who does not like Mothers Day. Why? Usually it has something to do with feeling she doesnt match up to the accolades; that she somehow falls short. Maybe her kids are struggling a bit and she sees that as a reflection on her mothering. It seems that for some women Mothers Day is just a painful reminder that they are not the mother they thought they would be. Why all the anguish and guilt? I believe at least part of the problem is perfectionism. None of us goes into motherhood without some sort of picture in our minds of what the perfect mom looks like. Whether we realize it or not, these expectations color our thought processes and daily experiences as we try to figure out what kind of mothers we are and want to be. The sooner we can recognize how crazy and unrealistic some of these self-imposed expectations are, the sooner we will be free to be truly great mothers. Lets take a look at some of these mythical moms. First we have Picture-Perfect Mom. Despite giving birth to six children she is a firm and muscular size 2. This mothers make-up never wears off and her hair doesnt frizz. Her children are always well groomed, even stylish. She has a professionally manicured lawn and her home is beautifully decorated, annoyingly clean. She can find any household item in 15 seconds flat because there is a place for everything and everything is in its place. Her mini-van smells like vanilla. Next is Practice-Makes-Perfect Mom. All her children play several instruments and excel at sports. Her family can organize a string quartet or a basketball team at the drop of a hat. This mother cant see out the back window of her car from all the student of the month bumper stickers. Scholarships dot the horizon. This mom is currently taking classes in French and fencing while getting her masters degree in child psychology. Then there is Perfect-Timing Mom. Her household is on a very tight schedule. She exercises, does laundry and starts dinner before the kids leave for school. She never misses an appointment, is always on time and lives by her planner. She has trained her children to dutifully check off their chore charts and complete all required after-school responsibilities before they engage in free time. Calendaring is a weekly family activity. Last but not least is Practically-Perfect-in-Every-Way Mom otherwise known as The Perfect 10. This mother possesses all the aforementioned skills, traits and talents and then kicks it up a notch: shes a Betty Homemaker! She cooks, sews, gardens and cans. She clips coupons and cuts her childrens hair. She can get chocolate out of cashmere while balancing her checkbook. This mom has endless patience and wisdom. She is everyones best friend. Her children come to her with their problems and she lives without regrets. What do all these mothers have in common? They arent real! (Isnt that a relief?) And yet their images live on in the minds of far too many mothers, taunting them when they are already feeling far too inadequate. My memories of the last days before our first child was born are vivid. I can see myself sitting in a second hand rocker with my feet up, pouring over every last detail of What To Expect When Youre Expecting. I took Lamaze, upped my folic acid intake, and slept only on my left side. I had all the baby clothes washed and organized by size and weather condition. I put headphones on my belly and pumped classical music into my unborn babys ears. I was the perfect mother . . . until I actually became one. Fast forward almost 12 years to the present. The former me would probably be horrified by what she saw. My eleven-year-old stashes garbage under her bed. My eight year old practically lives on peanut butter and jelly. My four year old intentionally goads her little sister and my toddler can identify Sponge Bob in a line-up of Nickelodeon characters. The only time my house is visibly clutter free is if I am hosting something at my house, I use paper plates for dinner more often than not, and my idea of continuing education is watching the Food Network. My personal evolution as a mother has been shaped by more than a few surprises, challenges, disappointments and frustrations. But the perfect me of days gone by could never have anticipated the joys and triumphs that have come precisely because of the surprises, challenges, disappointments and frustrations. I have learned over the years that perfectionism is not only unrealistic when mothering young children, its downright silly. As a recovering perfectionist, let me share with you four suggestions for putting out the perfectionist in you. 1. Strive for excellence, not perfection. Harriet Braiker said, Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing. How true! We constantly tell our kids Just do your best! and yet we dont offer ourselves the same kindness. By simply changing the use of the word perfect from an adjective to a verb, perfection becomes motivating, not demoralizing. To perfect means to improve, refine, hone, work on. Thats something each of us can do every day without a deadline or flawless end product to measure up to. Its more about striving than arriving. Read these inspiring words from Leonard Cohen: Ring the bells that still can ring Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything, Thats how the light gets in. 2. Practice contentment and gratitude. You may notice I didnt write be content and grateful. It really does require practice. When I have a particularly trying day that knocks me down more times than Id like to remember, I play the Pollyanna game. I force myself to count my blessings, to see the beauty and the bounty that exists in my everyday life if I will just take the time to notice. And you know what? It works. Try it. Are your kids healthy? Do you have running water? Did you get at least one square meal today? It seems ridiculous, but in our culture of excess and entitlement you would be amazed at how good it feels to recognize the most basic of blessings. When I start to feel like life isnt fair and I ought to be able to expect x, y and z, I like to read this quote by Jenkins Lloyd Jones. Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. [The fact is] most putts dont drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. … Life is like an old-time rail journey--delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride. 3. Be your own kind of mother. M. Russell Ballard said, There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else. As mothers, were not in the same boat, just the same ocean. Comparing each others boats and constantly keeping track of who is ahead does nothing to get us where we are trying to go; it only distracts us from the care of our precious cargo. One of the most liberating things about getting older and having more kids is learning to let go of stereotypes and expectations and focusing on what I can do. (Thats on a good day of course.) We cant all be Type A mothers. We all bring different gifts to the altar of motherhood. What matters is our children, not our egos, and it does our children no good to compare our weaknesses against someone elses strength. Anna Quindlen said it best: The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. 4. Remember that mothering is not about you. Do not misunderstand. The old adage, If momma aint happy aint nobody happy is a very real truth. We all need our me time as well as a chance to develop and use our god-given talents outside the realm of motherhood. But if you have little ones still at home and have chosen to be their mom at this time in their life, make no mistake about it: you will make considerable personal sacrifices for them. Thats a good thing! Nothing really satisfying and worthwhile ever came from lounging by the pool reading fashion magazines. Unless you have a full time nanny, maid and cook, embrace the blood, sweat and tears that is mothering young children and know that it is worth it! The definition of mothering is to look after, care for, protect, nurse, and tend. There is nothing in that definition about alphabetically organized spice racks, Disney cruises, multiple degrees or granite counter tops. Have you ever noticed that children dont care if your middle is mushy or there are cobwebs in the corner? Their needs are very basic and you are at the top of their list. There are more than enough years in this (hopefully) long life to do what we want to do, to have things just so; to have a life of tidy orderliness where things happen at their appointed times and without interruption. (Doesnt that sound wonderful?) Someday there will only be pictures and memories of Little League, ballet recitals, shoe box dioramas and lemonade stands. Now is your time to bask in the fistful of dandelions, the sloppy kisses, the giggles under the covers and those trusting eyes that are looking up to you. For all those mothers that dislike Mothers Day because they think they dont match up, take the magnifying glass off you. On Mothers Day this year please try to focus in on how much you love your children and what you have learned from being their mother, warty imperfections and all. For me, my quest for perfection is not so much about how my home looks as how it feels. Its not so much about how I look but about how my kids feel. The last time I had tight abs was when I was nine months pregnant. I have never seen the bottom of my special issues laundry basket. I throw out the Pottery Barn Kids catalog before it has a chance to depress me. But every day I try my best to make sure my kids feel loved and happy, secure and capable of meeting the challenges of life. I know I am on the right track when I am snuggling in bed with my dear, sweet, precious, little four year old daughter and she puts her arms around me and says, I think I have the best family in the whole world, Mommy! No matter what else I did or didnt do that day, Im pretty sure at that moment, to my daughter, Im the perfect mom.
Posted on: Sat, 25 Jan 2014 03:20:34 +0000
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