The Truth If there’s anything tackier than airing one’s personal dirty laundry publicly on the internet, I can’t think of it offhand. I believe that nearly all conflict can be solved by simple, honest, direct language. But for various reasons, I’ve had that privilege lifted. For me, posting the following story publicly to my personal Facebook account is my last resort, and my only solace. It’s the best way I can let the healing process begin for an unfortunate chain of events that has, at the risk of exaggeration, deprived me of nearly a half year of my life. I’ve been the victim of the most depraved manner of cyber-bullying. Some person out there took it upon himself (or themselves, or herself) to prey on two characteristics of mine: compassion, and a willingness to trust. They have caused an incredible amount of emotional harm in my life, and through me, the life of another person. I’ll try to spare as much detail as possible here, but still start more or less from the beginning. A woman, whom I will not name here, rejected an advance of mine about six months ago. I felt at the time that her rejection was uncharacteristically rude, and I tried to resolve the situation in a more kindly manner. Around this same time, my entire life got hacked. All my devices, and all the computers at my workplace, were invaded by some individual, with unknown motivation. This led inexorably to many unhappy moments of the lives of both me and, as it would turn out, this girl. The most obvious of which is that I was fired from my job, as it became obvious that something in my personal life had led to a security lapse at the workplace. My belief at the time, and to an extent now as well, is that the intention of this mysterious hacker was to drive a wedge in between me and the girl; to keep us apart. This led me on a hunt…I desperately wanted to “solve the mystery,” and make sure that this man would not harass me or this girl in the future. But to his credit, this hacker was quite insightful. He stayed involved in my personal affairs for quite a while. He convinced me that this girl was in fact in love with me, and that he was the “good guy” trying to help me from the “bad guy” who was actually invading her life. He convinced me, or rather, he allowed me to convince myself, that it was my objective to “rescue” this woman from a life of abuse. The nature of this abuse was never understood, nor the nature of how I was expected to “rescue” her. Wanting badly to believe that her love for me was true, I developed strong emotions for her as well. I wrote love letters, songs, and poetry, and tried to find ways to deliver my messages securely to her, without this mysterious “abusive boyfriend” (or ex-) finding out. This was a tall task indeed, especially since I made the restrictions on myself that I could not, and would not, invade her privacy; that I would not try and convict the current boyfriend without due process; and that I would not involve any kind of official authority or outside help. Basically, it was an impossible task. And it took up much of my sweet, valuable time. The final straw came over the last few weeks. A person texted me, saying, “Jak! Jak!! is trying to get a hold of you!” I had just given up my quixotic quest, but I fell for this very direct attempt, carried away by the idea that months of hard work might pay off, in a beautiful, romantic, Hollywood ending. I sent her an e-mail that was very personal, referencing all the symbols that I had believed were within our method of finding each other secretly and anonymously. The reaction was…to say the least…not good. I was contacted by her current (or recently separated) boyfriend, who threatened me with some very unruly types of violence. His reaction made me as certain as ever of my abusive boyfriend theory. So, the other night, believing I had received her permission, I called her from a new number. When she answered, she was not happy. She said, “You tricked me!” and hung up the phone abruptly. Quickly thereafter, I was contacted by the same man as before. He continued his very aggressive and violent threats; however, this time, there was another friend of hers on speakerphone. A female. Her voice added credibility to the conversation. And she said the words that confirmed my absolute worst fear. She said the words, “Jak. You’re scaring her.” My immediate reaction was calm and cool. I attempted to explain my side of the story, which was not well received. Meanwhile, on the inside, I was absolutely devastated. Distraught. Shaken to the core with dread: it had all been staged. There was in fact a malevolent force in the story, but I had in no way come closer to smoking him or her out. If anything, I had discovered that, in fact, I was in some sense the malevolent force. This realization was not immediate. It was a possibility that I’d been aware of throughout this drama. I was able to recover psychologically from the situation in just a day. Although I’m sad that there is still possibly some psychopath out there, at least I know that now my puppet strings can be severed. In all honesty, I do hold some ill-will towards this girl and her friends, for not saying the words that could have saved so much trouble months ago; but I completely understand. At least this drama is reaching its conclusion. At least my concern for this girl’s safety has been lifted. My version of the story, admittedly, is just that. It is just my version. I never solved the mystery, I never discovered which if any of my suspicions were correct. I still don’t know with certainty how the girl would describe the events if we were ever to speak them over in private. Basically, I’ve just reached a point where there is nothing left to do but let it go, and allow the possibility that I’ll live out my life never knowing the exact cause of my troubles. Over the course of this story, I have made my Facebook profile public. Location services are enabled on my devices, and my accounts are secured with two-step verification and anti-spyware software. I’m putting myself back on the grid, fully, as a gesture of good will towards this girl and her friends. To those people especially, I apologize deeply. I also apologize to my friends and family, and my former employer, who have had to deal with the collateral damage of this whole debacle. I hope that my good intentions will become clearer with this posting. I also hope that, someday, my apologies will be actively accepted by the girl. I was hoping for a happy Hollywood ending. That was foolish and unrealistic. Luckily, I can now prevent the opposite: a Shakespearean tragedy. Instead, it will just be another real human story. As such, there were so many moments that were beautiful and inspiring, perhaps as many such positive moments as there were negative ones. The events changed my understanding of my place in society, as well as my role from a more metaphysical perspective. I am proud to say that I’ve learned much from this experience, and that I’ve become more resilient and level-headed than I was several months ago. I will continue to do what I’ve always done, and that is try to laugh and move on. Hopefully, this will be all that I need to share of the story for the healing to begin. To all who were affected by this story, thank you for reading this post, and thank you for your continued understanding.
Posted on: Sat, 22 Nov 2014 02:21:15 +0000