The United Nations assured the global community this morning that, despite having not heard anything from them for a very long time, the country of Canada is still there and in fact doing just fine. The concern over Canada came to light during a recent United Nations breakfast fundraiser to, ironically enough, procure better school lunches as the ambassador to Brazil asked the ambassador to Switzerland to pass the maple syrup. At that point, the ambassadors began - jokingly at first and then increasingly seriously - asking Hey, heard from Canada lately? After discovering that no one had in fact heard anything from Canada since at least September 2013 and that, worse, the maple syrup was actually a cheap imitator from Vermont, the United Nations declared an emergency meeting of the Security Council. The Security Council then held a unanimous vote to drop & mobilize peacekeepers immediately into all parts of Canada to verify the existence of and rescue Canadians from whatever terrible fate had befallen their country, such as the Zambonis becoming sentient and enslaving the population or meese rabies, a rare form of rabies were a moose bites you and you begin to forget the proper plural form of nouns. However, the peacekeepers were in for a surprise as they soon discovered 32 million Canadians milling about, leading average, pleasant, yet completely unremarkable lives. ‘Eh?’ the Canadians said as they saw the robin’s egg blue peacekeepers parachute in from the sky and clash mightily with the red colors of the Canadian flag, posting pictures of the bewildered and worried peacekeepers on ‘Instigloo’, the little-publicized Canadian photo sharing app. “Ya know, I guess it’s true, I haven’t really talked to anyone outside Canada lately,” said Toronto native Allen Gordon. “Not much been going on here really. Pretty cold, but the kids are good. Christmas was nice. This was honestly the most noteworthy thing that happened here in a demiannum [a metric system for the passage of time used only in Canada]. A nice man with a French accent asked me if I was just telling him if things were find because that’s what our Zamboni overlords were telling us to say and then he asked me if I could tell him what the plural of ‘platypus’ is.” Gordon then went on to apologize to the peacekeepers for wasting their time, our reporter for not having more interesting to say and for hitting the only traffic light in Canada on the way to his house, the Detroit Red Wings for that mean thing he said about them that one time the Toronto Maple Leafs played them in 2004, the American middle class for their general crummy economic luck, and then for apologizing so damn much. Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper called United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon shortly after the incident to discuss the matter. Ki-Moon was relieved to hear from Harper, reminding him that a simple text or even a phone call every now and then could remind the global community that Canada was still there. Harper expressed confusion, saying that he sent constantly sent Ki-Moon emails. As it turns out, Ki-Moon and most of the other ambassadors at the United Nations including the Nairobi prince, had accidentally marked Harper’s email address, [email protected], as spam since it often contains mentions the country’s fine healthcare system and its resulting cheap Canadian pharmaceuticals. Undeterred, Harper called his first press conference since July 2013, vowing to keep Canada active in the global community. Unique ways to publicize Canada were discussed, such as colonizing Mars since it’s about the same temperature as Canada, infiltrating a Canadian onto American Idol, or even trying to do good in the Summer Olympics since “no one watches that Winter crap anyway”. In a rare show of force, Harper pounded the wooden podium with his fist to call Canadians to action. The podium then began to leak syrup, and Harper concluded his press conference by shouting “PANCAKES FOR EVERYONE!”
Posted on: Fri, 31 Jan 2014 14:09:10 +0000
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