The days that follow. After starting the letters, I had the intent to write one per day……what follows is the aftermath. 8/3/09 Greetings Dearheart, I start this letter, this day with a sigh. The day has been long, fatigue has set it, yet I still have a client to train this evening. I realize that despite my want, you won’t be home once I do drag my tired body through the door. You won’t be there to listen to my day, you won’t be there to look at me after all the layers have come off, to brush my hair as I sit between your legs and rub your feet, you won’t……Endlessly I could go on about my need for you, not because I can’t take care of myself but that I choose to need you out of want for you. Each day that I go without you is an agonizing reminder of the pain of lonliness. I think of you so deeply that it is almost as if I feel you, so needless to say, I think of you often. Insha’llah the day will come when these thoughts I can whisper to you after Isha, before we drift off to sleep. That day will be a great day. 8/14th As Salaam Alaikum. Realizing today that you may be farther away than I thought. Paths that I hoped would lead to you seem to be dead ends, dry river beds devoid of the hydration I crave. Insha’llah my search for you doesn’t become some endless endeavor that only death will conclude. I seek the comfort of you, daily, to only crawl under the blanket each night for my slumber in solitude. How long my fortitude will offer defense before crumbling to complete defeat is unknown. I hear myself proclaiming love for you, the sound resonating through my head, the sound at times maddening. I resist ending my conversations with “I love you” when although I am proccupied with imagining you, I am talking to a complete stranger to my heart. If I am blessed to embrace you before the fraility of age, I suspect the power of my longing may just extinguish my heart right at the moment of contact. I dream of you all the while realizing that all I may ever have of you are those fleeting minutes of footage. Strung together, these images just illustrate the pain of lonliness, the bleakness of giving up.
Posted on: Tue, 22 Oct 2013 13:23:00 +0000