The death of Robin Williams is a tragedy that really hits me hard. Yesterday we lost a beautiful and tortured soul to a very misunderstood and stigmatized disease. Depression is very real and very devastating. This is a very private topic for me. I dont like to discuss my own issues with others. It feels like an excuse for bad behavior, weakness or laziness. I am learning that I am NOT weak, but its still really uncomfortable to openly admit to my illness. Most of you know me. Im the shoulder you cry on. Im easy to talk to, and Ill gladly bend over backwards to help any one of you. I am patient, compassionate, funny, self-deprecating, loving, open, sometimes scandalous, intense, gregarious, happy. What many of you dont know is that Ive been fighting depression since I was a teenager. Ive been medicated off and on since the early 1990s. I dont think my childhood was any worse or better than anyone elses. I was a good kid, and I lived through some craziness. .. but doesnt everyone? I found that, sometime in high school I started sabotaging myself, Like I wasnt worthy of succeeding. I am a smart lady, and my GPA has always been 3.5 and above, but I would somehow screw up and fail classes that actually meant something to me. My first time in college failed disastrously when I had what I now know was an acute episode of depression and just stopped showing up during the last week. I dont know why, I just know that I couldnt function, and I flunked out. That has been a regular part of my life. I am deeply emotional and some situations and people affect me so fundamentally that I lose myself. It must be very overwhelming for the people involved to have someone love them so fiercely. When something triggers an acute depressive episode, I cant function. I cant get out of bed. Something as simple as showering or cooking is an insurmountable obstacle. I want to go to work, or to class, but I just dont have the strength to face it. Everything hurts, mentally and physically and I curl up and just want things to stop. I will not commit suicide. I feel that, for me, suicide is the ultimate cop out. Killing yourself only serves to hurt the people who care about you. Ive noticed, though, that when Im talking to a therapist and tell them that Im not going to kill myself, they dont take me seriously any more. Like, living in sadness and emptiness for the rest of my life is ok, as long as I dont take the easy way out... because I care too much about the people I might leave behind. Have you noticed that its the smart people, the caregivers, the free thinkers and the helpers who are depressed? And WTF kind of terminology is depressed anyway? I look out at the world, and I see beauty and brilliance and I experience affection and wonder and joy... and sometimes that fills up my soul with light. then Im reminded of bigotry and willing stupidity and hatred and intollerance and injustice and Im paralized by deep, heavy darkness. Sometimes it hurts so much that I want to scream and tear my hair out and.rip off my skin and bang my head against walls... but I dont. That wont fix anything. Is that attention seeking behavior? I dont know. My brain is screaming LEAVE ME ALONE! And my heart is crying out NO, PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME! So, my emotional baseline is depressed? I think depressed isnt quite the correct terminology. Overwhelmed, maybe. Devastated, wrecked, broken, might be better words. In the past 5 years Ive left a 14 year abusive marriage, moved across country by myself to an uncertain future, lost a job that I loved, failed at romantic relationships, lost 2 beloved pets, lost family members to drama, been betrayed by people I thought I could trust over stupid things, fought for a divorce, have had devastating illnesses in the family, etc. But thats life. This past year has been especially hard. I really dont know why. I have a good life. I have wonderful friends that care about me. I own my own home, and my own car. Florida is a wonderful place to be... its warm, theres beaches and springs and nature... I love my life here. I could use a job, and a significant other to share experiences with... I want to finish my degrees and be a therapist, so that I can feel like Im making a difference. But I just cant get it to come together. I want to be happy. I AM happy mostly. ..until Im not. Ive had 2 major acute depressive episodes. .. one where I should have been committed. I am very medicated. Still, everything is such a huge overwhelming battle. I take one step forward, only to be forced two steps back. My temper is short. My tolerance for stupid is very low. Im not enunciating words properly. Sometimes Im so sad and lonely that I cant function... cant even read... which is huge for me... I am exhausted all the time. I physically hurt all the time. I havent slept without sleep aids for months. I have screaming violent night terrors every single night. I fight this every single day. I refuse to be beaten. I stand up for myself and others. I am strong, and I persevere. I challenge myself to try new things. I push my own boundaries. And I fight and struggle every single day to be a functional human being. I want to work. I want so much to finish my education. I have dreams and goals and a need to succeed, a need to help others and to make a difference. And I fight for the strength to go on every single day. Sometimes I accomplish what I need to... mostly I dont. I will not commit suicide. But I understand why someone would. I know how depression can beat you down. Its not hard for me to imagine why a beloved cultural icon like Robin Williams would want to die. Yes, he had a loving family, supportive friends and colleagues. He was successful and influential. But he fought his demons. He brought joy and laughter to millions by joking about his illness and his addictions, and mentored and inspired many others. He touched many, many lives. I can only imagine his personal darkness growing deeper and stronger and heavier every day... until the emptiness finally outweighed the good he knew he could do. And giving in was more of a relief than anything. I get it. Depression is real. And it is horrible. I dont want to be this way. What I wouldnt give sometimes to be a mindless, unthinking, unfeeling corporate sheep. Its torture to live with this every day. I remind myself constantly that life is a precious gift. Learning is amazing. Love is rare and wonderful. I have a purpose. I remind myself that beauty and Grace are in every moment, in every breath. And I take nothing for granted. Some day, everything will be alright. Someday, Ill be able to mend the broken mirror of my soul. I refuse to live without hope. Please be kind. Be loving. Practice compassion. Everyone has their own battles and their own scars. Depression is one of many mental illnesses that are often trivialized and overlooked. Our culture is very judgmental and unforgiving of those battling unseen illness. There is very little support available for people with depression and limited resources. We are left to fight a hard, grueling battle by ourselves. And its our brightest stars, our caregivers and peacemakers. .. gentle, empathetic souls who are affected the most. We hurt for everyone. We care deeply, love unreservedly. And we scream silently, behind our smiles, where no one can see.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 08:07:27 +0000
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