The end of the story is that I am grateful to have been able to experience everything I did today. I know that I will make it thru everything even though today had so many “less than desirable moments”. This is probably going to be a long posting because an awful lot went on. I woke up in quite a bit of pain. I was working from home because I had to go see Dr. B for my first post-op appointment. Work has been more than a little challenging of late. In part it is because of my circumstances and a bigger part I believe is that it is simply a slump…something that happens to anyone in sales for any length of time. The fact that I can work full days now will hopefully shorten my drought. I got an e-mail that a Rabbi that I’ve known for 18 years passed away. I wasn’t close to him, but a good friend of mine that doesn’t even own a computer was. I had to call and give her the news. He had lived a long and meaningful life, but it wasn’t going to be easy to break the news. I left a voicemail to call me sometime today. I haven’t been hungry, but forced myself to eat a banana this morning. I didn’t react well to it. It may be because of the antibiotics…who knows. Within 70 minutes I lost two large sales that I really needed. It wasn’t my fault, but when the company looks at numbers they don’t care about the reason, they care that the sale wasn’t made. Alan came over and took me to see Dr. B. He has an amazing staff. I get along with everyone. The nurse that I was going to see today is one I especially like. She asked me to remove my shirt and I broke down crying. I asked if she was going to remove the bandages and she said yes…Of course she was, why else was I there? I got so scared of seeing my breasts and then the rest that she actually moved the table to face another direction; otherwise I would have been right in front of the mirror and I couldn’t handle that. As she started using a solution to loosen the tape I was wrapped in with the gauze I began getting light headed. She offered me a ginger ale but has someone bring it to her rather than leaving me alone in the room. Apparently all the color left my face and she was concerned I was going to pass out. She finished unwrapping both breasts and I couldn’t look down…I realized for the first time that I felt like a freak. Would I ever feel normal again? She removed the compression garment and I looked in the mirror. Oh my…I am swollen and have all kinds of colors all over me from my waist down my thighs and around my butt. I was sure he didn’t do what he said he would. The nurse explained that I was very swollen and it would take at least 6 weeks for the swelling to go down; also the colors would change and fade over time. At one point I looked down at my breasts and cried even more. The discoloration was tolerable by then. She forewarned me about the nipples that Dr. B made. They would look much larger than they will ultimately be…they shrink over time. I wasn’t ready for what I saw. We talked and talked about how I felt about what I saw along with a lot of other stuff. Dr. B came in once everything was cleaned off and ready for him to see. I made it very clear that I didn’t think it was right for him not to give me a better idea of the amount of pain I would be in. I said I was going to call for pain meds over the weekend but didn’t want to bother him. He said he would gladly have spoken with me and called something in. I then went on to say I wanted to liposuction his ass and then have him tell me the pain level is a 1 on a scale of 1-10 like he told me. He offered to give me a prescription but I again declined believing the worst is over with. I’m still in a lot of pain, but don’t focus on it hoping it will go away sooner. He was really happy with how everything turned out and said I could have one of the drains removed. The nurse had to remove a bunch of stitches that were holding the tube that connects to the drain. Having the tube removed was pretty painful. She wrapped it up and re-wrapped my breasts. When she was done I didn’t see the ugly stuff, just the shape of my new girls. I think over time I will be happy with them, just not today. I needed to go buy a pair of Spanx because the garment I have been wearing since Thursday can’t be put on by me alone with my limitations. I need to keep the bottom compressed for another week to help the healing process. I also needed a cami that has elasticity for my breasts. Alan and I got stuck in some terrible traffic on the way home. It gave us a chance to yap about all kinds of things. He has truly been my angel throughout this process. He is retired and has driven me to and from every doctor’s appointment and first round of chemo treatment. How do you thank someone for that…I have a couple ideas, but they won’t come close to expressing how I feel. After he dropped me off I drove to Target. I can’t have the seatbelt across my chest which makes it uncomfortable driving. Also, each time I pushed the gas or break I felt it where the liposuction was done. All in all it was an emotionally and physically painful day. On the other hand, I woke up with a roof over my head, a job and insurance so I could have my medical needs addressed by the best doctor money can buy in Atlanta. I know with all my heart that everything today was a bump in the road and nothing more. My good friend Judy called to see how I was doing and to invite Paul and I to any meal we wanted to come to. She already invited me once, but wanted to make sure I knew I could just show up and not let her know in advance. I had several people call and write to check on me today. I get to sleep in my fabulous bed tonight. The emotions and pain will go away. The friendships, support, love and prayers I get outweigh the temporary stuff. Someone sent me today and at one point wrote my voice was chirpy during our recent call which is a good sign that my spirit had not been reduced through all my difficulties (cumulatively over the last 8 months). I found the observation insightful. If anything, my spirits have been lifted thru this journey…I am more confident, capable and sure of myself than I have ever been. These “difficulties” have provided me that. Today was a series of events called life on life’s terms. I don’t have bad days…24 hours is an awfully long time to be lousy. Yes, there were more “less than desirable moments” than I would have liked, but so what. The saying “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” stays in the forefront of my mind during times like this. I am as strong as a bull right now. With everything that occurred today, I will go to sleep secure in knowing I was able to walk thru it all feeling the feelings and not shutting down. When I get up in the morning I won’t have a problem writing my gratitude list. I don’t recall anyone ever saying life was fair. Gd has shown me that whatever comes my way, he will provide what I need to walk thru it. I have a choice each day…I can kick and scream and feel victimized; or I can try to have a little grace, learn the lessons provided and be grateful for the faith Gd has in me to get thru stuff I didn’t think I could. The choice is mine. Something else good happened today. I don’t want to go into details, but I am grateful. One last thing…there was a time I would go to different doctors to get certain kinds of pills. Today my surgeon offered me some of the “good stuff” and I could have justifiably taken it. I knew my emotions were pretty raw today and honestly didn’t want to take something for fear it would not wind up being purely for one reason, physical pain. They make me groggy and I need to be able to function at 100% at work. I am grateful that my disease (the one in my head, aka stinking thinking) wasn’t stronger than my logic today. I finally reached my girlfriend this evening and let her know about the passing of Rabbi Barry. She was so sad and there were no words that I could say that would comfort her. I was grateful I could just sit there and listen as she shared about their 14 year friendship and how much he meant to her. I have learned that I don’t need to find something to say in all situations. Sometimes just being willing to listen is all someone needs. I feel like I left something out, but I have no idea what it is…I suppose if it were that important I would remember. Hugs!!!
Posted on: Tue, 23 Sep 2014 01:04:37 +0000
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