The following is a page from tonights digital diary. I am not sharing this for sympathy. I need to cleanse my soul. I feel greatly misunderstood and this is a glimpse into the real me. I know a few already understand. MOM - dont worry I am not going to try and harm myself, promise. I am broken in body and soul. The pain is never ending. Three hours of blissful reprieve was all I was allowed today before being blinded with lightning hot pain. My brain went from nothing to a red hot poker being slammed into my head. No warning, no slight onslaught. Just fast and intense. My head is on fire inside and out. I feel like I have a fever yet the thermometer says otherwise. I tried to lay down in the dark to have it go away and it did not work so I gave in and took a maxalt. I had an hour of reprieve from the pain in my head. Then I awoke to eat. Now it is back with a vengeance and my belly hurts. It is going to be hard to keep this food down. I hurt everywhere now too. No longer just a headache and the burning forehead but I can now add a stiff and burning neck, hard aching belly, an every bone in my body aches. Not the ache of a cold/fever. The pain that bores through my entire bones and leaves me weeping in tears. This pain is breaking down my will and leaving me emotionally crushed like gravel. No longer am I that strong bolder. I am the small rocks being run over and over again by a semi truck. I dont have answers and I certainly do not have relief. I lay here and cry as I pour my pain into these pages hoping that maybe just a little will be pulled from me and left in these pages. Maybe somehow I can deposit even a pebbles worth of my pain onto this page and feel even the slightest of weight has been lifted. I want to scream and shout that I cant do this anymore. My body has betrayed me. I cannot function or even make it through one day. My soul is weak. How is someone supposed to endure this constant torment. I feel fragile and small. Lost and drowning in pain. I have the love, understanding and support of my husband. He has endured so much and now he has to watch me suffer daily. It breaks his heart. I try to not show just how weak I am but he sees through my facade. He understands what pain looks like and I know it is killing him to have his hands tied, wishing he could pull my pain away with just the touch of his hands. I love him even more for that. We have both experienced this feeling. The greatest desire - to be able to stop the other from hurting. That is love. That is what a lifetime commitment is about. In sickness and in health is what the vows said. We have both been put through the test and we are both still here. His love (and this heating pad) are all that holds my head above water right now. I am going to close my eyes and hope that I can find some peace in sleep. Maybe a few hours of rest will make this body want to function again. It has betrayed me in so many ways. I am sorry but I am calling bullshit on that whole saying about us not being given more than we can handle. This is beyond. This is Hell.
Posted on: Sat, 26 Oct 2013 03:59:39 +0000
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