The full notes.... ~ Shaykh Zulfiqar Ahmad DB, Zambia Itikaf 2014, Womens bayan Relationship management 1. Listen carefully to the other person. 2. Judge the feelings of the other person. 3. Try to understand the meanings of what the other person is saying. Scientists used to say that blood comes from one side and then pumps it to the other side. But where do emotions come from? In 1970 there was a discovery that the heart and brain had a two way channel relationship and that the heart had some part in the intellect. In 1991 scientists discovered that there is a small nervous system inside the heart. The proof of this is that a baby in the womb, the heart beats before the brain is even developed. In 2014 they discovered that there are 40,000 neurones in the heart that act like the brain. It has been seen that whatever is the state of the mini brain in the heart, this is the state of the brain. So this gives birth to the emotions. Shariah said this 1400 yrs ago – that the heart has a part to play in intellect. The love hormone is released from the heart it goes to the brain – so love starts in the heart, not the brain. In February 2014 a research paper was published and is on the internet available to read. 4 important relationships: 1. Husband/wife 2. In laws 3. Especially with mother in law 4. With children MARRIAGE MANAGEMENT: 1. Clear communication – somewomen make the mistake to be subtle, but this is wrong. They should communicate clearly what they want. Women communicate in sign language, men don’t understand and then shaytaan interferes. 2. Always keep a positive tone – some women just start blaming. Theres no benefit in this. Always communicate with love, clearly and with a positive tone. If you blame him, he will go into negative mode and wont be able to understand what your saying. 3. Pick your battles – don’t pick a fight with everything. Things should be based on principles. You have to see where the difference in opinion lies. 4. Criticising – some women feel they need to correct their husbands. One thing is to be loyal to him and deal with him with taqwa until your love is put into his heart – then he will listen to you. 5. Appreciate the good things in him – wives usually describe their husbands as though he is the worst husband. Criticism should be positive – regarding Abdullah ibn Umar RD: O Abdullah, what a good man he is, it would be so good if he was consistent in his tahajjud. So Prophet SAW said this in such a positive way – he could have just said, its so bad he doesn’t pray tahajjud. We should praise the good things in him. 6. Try to understand his point of view – women tend to close the door to their ears, then how do you expect that he will listen to you? Don’t let anger dominate the conversation, it will go wrong. 7. If you need to discuss a contentious issue, then do it at the right time. When he’s in a listening mode and you’re alone with him. NEVER discuss things in front of the children. 8. During the discussion, if you realise you’re wrong, then admit it. Allah swt likes it. Never fail to do so, it will have a negative effect. 9. Talk TO your husband, not ABOUT your husband. This is very dangerous. Then other people will give wrong mashwarah and the whole thing goes bad. 10. Be accepting. Keep realistic expectations of your husband. Theres no relationship which is perfect in the world, there are always ups and downs. Keep your financial expectations realistic, don’t burden him so much that he’s burdened by them. 11. When things change in life, change yourself as well. Everything that happened in the parents home will change, you have to be prepared for this. When you have kids, life will change. Husbands should understand this, that she cant give as much time. With age, theres a change in the body, so you have to be mentally prepared with that. Wife can’t expect husband will still be 20 years old when he’s 50. Expect that children will change the relationship. 12. You should agree with your husband in how to train the children. If theres a difference, then you should accept it. 13. Don’t keep grudges in your heart – Allah swt has made this a life long relationship so how will it survive with grudges. 14. Be your husbands best friend. It should be such that when he has a worry, he should come to you, no one else. Just like Prophet SAW went straight to his wife Amma Khadija RD – she covered him and asked, what are you feeling? He said I fear for my life. Then she said Kalaa! Then she listed all his good qualities, she gave such moral support. And then next day she took another step, to take Nabi SAW to Waraqah bin Naufal, who said that the same angel that came to Musa AS has come to you. So Waraqah said that the people will drive you away. So Khadija RD kept such a relationship of love with Nabi SAW that he remembered her so much after her death. No road is too long with good company. If there’s a good relationship with your husband then the journey of life doesn’t seem so long. A woman has to work on it a lot. IN LAW MANAGEMENT Shariah has compared them to your own parents. 1. Never compare to your own parents. 2. Always appreciate any gift they give you, even if you don’t like it. 3. Praise them in front of your family and friends even if you don’t like them. This will develop love in their hearts for you. 4. Lower your expectations regarding them, keep expectations to a minimum. 5. Don’t feel jealous if your children love them. 6. If they live in your house, make them feel that it is their own house. 7. Don’t say anything negative about them to your children. 8. Don’t drag your husband into any arguments you have with your in laws. 9. Offer your home if they have no where else to go. 10. If they are harsh with you, then turn to Allah swt, bc He can make the hearts soft. And if you have to tell your husband, tell him politely. 11. Always encourage your husband to be good to them. 12. Don’t tell your in laws your good qualities. Its better they discover your good points without your help. MOTHER IN LAW MANAGEMENT 1. Organise so that she can navigate easily. E.g. in the kitchen. If you need to cook, ask her what she wants so that you can consider what she wants. If you’re the head cook, then you should ask her what she wants. If she wants to cook her own, then you should let her. Never say MY house, always say OUR house. 2. There should be some common activity between husband wife and mother in law, such as reading the translation of Quran. This bridges the gap. 3. Always try to understand her point of view by putting yourself in her shoes. a. There was a son who had a really bad accident, but the surgeon was at home. So he needed to be called so there was a delay. So the father got really angry. He did the op and it was successful but left hurriedly afterwards. Father got angry again. Nurse said stop, bc he has to go and bury his own dead son. 4. Share your happiness with your inlaws. This increases your own happiness. Never say anything rude and always try to be understanding. a. do ma’mulaat/dhikr, we can deal with the stress and when you don’t, you cant. CHILDREN MANAGEMENT 1. Eat meals with them. Tell them good things during Sleep time. 2. Give them Nabi SAW as their role model. 3. Give them rewards – women just punish their kids. 4. In the training of the children, always be CONSISTENT. 5. Be supportive. 6. Never make fun of your children and if hes upset try to understand him. 7. Help him cope with a difficult situation. 8. When they get older, give them responsibilities to teach them independence. Some women over pamper their children. By struggling, they will learn a lot. a. A man looked at a butterfly who was coming out of the shell, and it was struggling to get out of the shell so the man made it a bigger hole but the butterfly ended up with small wings and couldn’t fly. So actually it was part of the process that the butterfly should have struggled to come out. 9. Don’t forget to eat good yourself and do exercise. Sometimes the women get stressed and then start shouting. 10. Never allow shaytan to babysit your children. 11. Don’t just talk the talk and walk the walk. Parents themselves should become pious themselves. 12. Whatever goes around comes around. a. There was an aged person who was very rich. She was travelling in a car and the tyre got punctured. She needed help and then a man came after some time. The man helped her and it took 1 hour to change. She said how much should I pay you? So the man just smiled and said it’s the objective of my life to help others. She stopped off at the next stop and at the restaurant there was an expecting lady who was working so that she could afford to go to good hospital, so she was working till the end of her term. The rich woman asked, how much does it cost? She said $5000. She gave her an envelope and told her to open it when she goes home. So the woman took it and opened it at home and found in it $5000 and a note saying ‘it’s the objective of my life to help others.’ This woman turned out to be the wife of the man that helped the rich woman!! So when we help others, Allah swt will always send us help.
Posted on: Tue, 22 Jul 2014 10:48:30 +0000
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