The matriarch in our family died a few days ago. I pray for my Grandmothers soul to go well. I have no desire to be around the family that surrounded her. In these situations its always the worst that comes out in me, my mind goes back to things I dont want it to. Letting some of that out here could be a good thing. When I was four I left my blanky at my uncle mos house. That night back at my moms apartment in Shelley ID, I missed the blanket. I began to cry it really was the only thing I had that comforted me. My mother tossed me out in the November night locked the door and returned to bed. I cried myself to sleep on the concrete porch. I just remember wanting that blanket terribly. I would never see it again. My mother had abandoned many times but for several years as a baby with my Grandma and Grandpa Torres. I can say I do remember being truly loved by my grandpa. Im sure My Grandma loved me but I dont ever remember her nor my mother ever holding me ever. My mind goes back to being two or three and crying off an ear infection for days just left in a room. I do remember things as early as two. A few years ago hopefully the last time I will ever see my uncle Paul. He made a point to tell me while laughing I will add. That when I was a baby I balled spots all over my head from the floor as I was just left there Im sure. The sick thing about him telling me this is he really just wanted to hurt me. It really makes me understand about the person I am today. I wasnt just physically tossed aside I was emotionally tossed aside as well. So now rather than waiting to be tossed into the cold I turn and walk into it willingly. I try to give the hate and rage to God but it comes back in these situations. Is it wrong that I dont want to be anywhere near my family. Even though I truly love my cousins and wish the best for them as they went through allot of the same and worse than I and my brothers. I could probably never even imagine what my Grandmother went through in her youth, but still forgiveness seems far away, I just rather stay alone. right or wrong ?
Posted on: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 15:24:50 +0000