The weather is certainly helping me lift my head during this process. I am definitely fighting through a difficult time. A time filled with an abundance of anxiety, headaches, nervousness, occasional panic attacks, definitely just going through it. Sometimes my over-analytical brain attempts to find reasons or causes for these dark, difficult periods. It is a positive sign that I can recognize that this is a period of time rather than my entire existence. When I am on the down swing, it is virtually impossible for me to truly understand that the feelings arent going to last forever. That the madness or sadness or desperation or attack is only a part of the cycle and only a percentage of my experience. My therapist has been working with me to recognize the ebbs and flows as just a part of my journey. Its just my process, its my way. I have up/ups and then I have low/low/low/lows. The recognition alone can help me stay present in my body at that moment, process my feelings easier, and not psychologically collapse into the grief abyss. She suggested that instead of fighting through this period that I simply concentrate on just being. (Pardon the interruption, however, I wanted to insert this disclaimer: these are all mere interpretations of what she is saying to me, teaching me, enlightening me in our sessions. She is pretty brilliant (thats why I pay her right? - just kidding - sorta) anyway, I dont want to misquote or misrepresent her. This is just what I got from our conversations) Back to your regularly scheduled blog... My journey of being a mother to an angel has been to dive into this experience therefore there is a lot of intensity. A part of my journey has been to talk about it and process this as best I can so it doesnt swallow me whole. Having Isaiah lie on my chest, praying with him, kissing him, loving him, watching his little heart beat & watching him breathe and then feeling his spirit move on is my only memory with my son, my child. So being a mother to an angel is a monstrous endeavor for any woman. My dreams for my son, my vision of what kind of mother I would be, my whole concept of being a parent passed along with my babys spirit. Part of my journey of being a mother to an angel has been to develop parts of myself that have been stagnant, stale, dark or deeply unhealthy. I am certainly a woman who is on the personal journey to work on myself, my actions and words to be the strongest, honest, most genuine, balanced, present, grounded woman I can possibly be. Staying present...I work on my breath, my concentration, my energy, the basics on just being. I am more in tuned with my self talk, my boundaries, my feelings when I am on the upswing. Being mindful in each of those areas takes a good deal of effort for me, presently, even on my good days/weeks. I do believe energy is our own personal power. Our internal magic that no one else can control unless we give them permission. My therapist referred me to a Mindful Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course that is held in Asheville. MBSR has proven to make significant positive impacts in regards to blood pressure, depression, and anxiety. ...Hello, this has my name written all over it. So I began the weekly MBSR course in February. The Asheville practitioner is so kind and genuinely peaceful and passionate about this practice/lifestyle. The group was less than 10 people of varying ages/genders/intentions and I began enjoying the course, enjoying the process, enjoying the daily wellness time. I was having a hard time finding time in my day. We all know that is just an excuse or the story I am telling myself. When you are ready for a change, when you are dedicated and passionate, you make time. After a few weeks, I began having difficulty with my anxiety during my body scan meditations. I began to find it nearly impossible to put my hands on my belly to feel my breath. I would gasp when the body scan would move from my right leg into my stomach and more specifically into my uterus. I would cringe when that time would come but it was inevitable. The scan was a mental check on each area/part of your body. The realization that there is a great, distant feeling to my own body, to my most sacred part of my body. There is a void, a darkness, a hole, a wound deep, deep inside my being. There are so many turns in this path and there is a shut off valve that gets pulled once in a while. Where I cocoon and am in it. Where the energy is so thick, the air is so stagnant and the depression takes over the soul temporarily. So why was I trying to find other reasons for the obvious intensity of this process? What was I looking for beyond what just has become my story? Why, when I began to experience panic attacks in my meditation, was I examining the incident for something further than what just is? What happens when there is nothing to search for as a specific case? What happens when i can grasp that these reactions are honest and my bodys way of signaling for help and self-nurturing? These are questions I ask myself...when I get to a point when I can observe myself from a different perspective than the injured, grief-stricken mama. While in the midst of my meditation, a few panic attacks began to occur. Who has a panic attacks during a breathing meditation? THIS GIRL... After the panic attacks began the weeping and wailing and mourning. I remember this cry. This cry began on March 25, 2013 and has been lingering, manifesting, creating, combining energies in my body & in my spirit since that date. This cry is a part of me now. When I get out of the way of myself and my process, I let this cry out and the tears fall hard & fast. They are big tears filled with sorrow of a Mama with Empty Arms. Since the attacks and the crying seems to be sticking around for a bit, I decided that the crisis mode I am living currently is just too deep to live through while taking the MBSR course. After much deliberation, I have paused attending the sessions but still work on it personally at home, work, car. Its a truly helpful process that given the right timing may make a huge influence on my process. Its just not the right time. When I stop and give myself some time to feel whats right, take a break and offer myself some patience and most importantly some self-nurturing I realize that I am doing okay. I realize that it really doesnt matter what it looks like to others because this is my experience and I am not living my life for the appearance, only the experience.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 04:24:13 +0000
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