There is a bit of confusion out there on the internet about what no contact really is and how/when it can be applied. No Contact is exactly as it sounds: No contact. This means: No personal meeting, No talks, No phone calls, No email, No snail mail, No social media, No proxy contact via family or friends, No sitting in the car doing custody exchanges, No standing in front of them refusing to acknowledge their presence, No attacks on them, No showing them that you are happy or moved on No attending the same social circles No close proximity. It is both: A. A complete break and cutting of all ties whatsoever AND B. A separation or boundary in your own head to do primarily two things: 1. Prevent the target from being abused further. 2. To prevent the disordered person from receiving any supply. Minimal contact is not the same as no contact. Sitting in the car and refusing to speak is not no contact. Only communicating via OFW or email is not no contact. Using the kids to pass info is not no contact. It is also not no contact if it is done to hurt or punish the narcissist (which incidentally, it probably does) intentionally or as a means of revenge. No contact is a boundary, an extreme last course method to prevent abuse, involvement and to heal. If you have children and you attempt a complete no contact there is a good chance that you will be seen as blocking access or interfering in the child/parent relationship with the other parent. This could very well affect YOUR custodial time and is not what most child experts and what most courts want to see. They will want to see co-parenting and involvement with both parents and anything that is deemed to interfere will likely be a factor in any decisions the court makes. This leaves you with only a few options: either a gray stone style involvement or a minimal contact plan or simply attempting to live with the problem and create strong boundaries and coping mechanisms. Often when I see people saying they are no contact, what they really mean is minimal or gray stone. Or they are strictly attempting to apply NC and running into frustrations, problems with the court or are upset when the disordered person is attempting to reestablish contact. No contact is really not feasible when you have kids or when you are the minor in a relationship with parents or siblings who have a disorder.
Posted on: Mon, 19 Jan 2015 22:40:05 +0000
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