There, upon the doorstep, stood a gentleman the like of whom, she had never previously beheld. He was surely not more than a yard tall, and clad in the vestments of a parish beadle. Eukanuba Quark maam spake he, raising his gold braided hat to the extent that his cockade almost infiltrated her nostril. Annie Scrubber, at your service sir replied Annie, curtsying so extensively that the beadle was afforded a view of her ample décolletage. Do please enter she invited, and the diminutive municiple official transited the threshold. The interior of the lowly dwelling was a tableau of abject penury. In the hearth, a pot of thin gruel bubbled over the embers of a small fire, in one corner there sat a single chair and in another, a thin mattress, with its straw stuffing spilling onto the cold stone floor. I see that you are presently domiciled in tragically reduced circumstances remarked the squat ecclesiastical officer. I am Sir retorted poor Annie as she slumped into the chair and leaned forward to place her head into her pale hands. I am alone in the world and without means of support. So I see muttered Quark, seemingly distracted by the sudden requirement to rummage within the pockets of his trousers. Oh Sir, I implore you, do not send me to the workhouse, for the shame would be my undoing! Annie sobbed, her bosom heaving with each faltering breath. The altitudinally disadvantaged beadle paused for a moment, continuing to search for something within his britches with the enthusiasm of an irate mongoose. He cleared his throat before speaking again. There is always the opportunity to raise yourself from the mire of impecuniosity said he, the quest within his trousers having reached a hitherto unseen level of enthusiasm. You have upon your person, those physical attributes requisite for the licentious entertainment of monied gentlemen.. The curvaceous waif gasped at his pronouncement but he continued. There are those gentlemen who would happily part with ample coinage in return for those comforts not afforded them within the bounds of the Christian matrimonial bed chamber. He now appeared to be extinguishing a small conflagration within his pantaloons, and had begun to perspire copiously. He spoke once more. Now, a trullion for whom the statutes of decency are erased could be recompensed three and ten pence for an act of Lord Nelsons horn pipe, five shillings for the Sultans palliasse and half a crown for performing Mr Brunels railway tunnel. She knew that the achondroplasic church officer was correct, but then a marvellous notion occurred to the rubenesque slattern. Sir she ejaculated, I shall have no need to disport my mimsy for the edification of sundry gentlemen, for nearby is an edifice which retails the paraphernalia requisite for the enjoyment of sub-aquatic perigrination, at prices that even I am able to afford, such as a most efficacious regulator for but one hundred pounds. The minuscule parochial employee knew that his his fiendish ploy was undone. In a maelstrom of ire, he exited the lowly hovel. Curse you Atlantic Scuba! He roared in fury, an act which distracted his attention to the extent that he missed his footing and tumbled headlong into a pile of fresh horse shit. From The Sale of Two Titties by Charles Dickens.
Posted on: Fri, 07 Mar 2014 11:25:18 +0000