These last couple of months have been almost unbearable for me, as Ive found myself without two of the major pillars in my life, my grandmother and grandfather. I didnt realize how off I had become until my timeline was no longer something I could make sense of. I found myself arguing an order of events that didnt actually happen, as it felt like everything was crashing in on me at once. Im still struggling to make sense of it. My grandmother took my family in at our most fragile point and gave us a sense of stability. How very different my life would have been without her. The difference between growing up right around the corner from the projects and the middle class up bringing I grew to know. My childhood home was burned down before I graduated highschool, and now there is only a vacant lot. My circumstances could have been so very different. I owed her so much, and still felt so conflicted as she transitioned out of this life, for as much fight as she instilled in me, she did not fight to live until it was too late. I resented her for it. Selfishly, I wanted her to take the steps necessary to prolong her life. In the end, we want our loved ones to live for us, but they can only live the life that makes them happy. No regrets. Only thankful for the time I had. My grandfather, who seemingly fought for every inch from the time he sobered up and took a major role in my life. As a kid, I never knew of my grand dads issues with sobriety, I just knew when I needed him, for anything, he was there. He may have been the only person in my life that literally never let me down. Never made a promise he didnt keep. Never made me feel as if he gave up on me. No more evident when he probably saved me from myself. I was a smart kid, but not necessarily a good kid, or maybe I was the average kid who made the one huge mistake that most young black men never recover from. I was facing a felony as a juvenile, and my grandfathers influence afforded me a second chance and an expunged record. The single lowest point in my life, knowing I almost threw everything away. It wouldnt have mattered that I scored in the top 92nd percentile or was currently 3rd in my class, a felon wasnt going where I wanted to go. How very different my life trajectory might have been. I took him for granted and he never gave up on me and remained so very proud. He fell down and got back up, and he knew I could too. After my grandmother passed, this man of strong resolve seemingly fell ill, instantaneously. He battled diabetes tooth and nail, until it finally took his leg. That news devastated me, probably more than him at first, as I hadnt come to terms with the loss of my grandmother and he was starting to go in one of the most dramatic ways possible. I couldnt cope and I couldnt contact him, only getting his voicemail, and trying my best to convince myself I had time. I didnt. In the end, it was all too much for even him to bear and he succumbed to his illnesses swiftly. The exact opposite of my grandmothers struggle, he fought until there was nothing left to give. I resented myself for not being more, for the both of them. Then my mother let me know, even while suffering from the onset of dementia, my grand dad kept a newspaper clipping from when I made all-city/all-conference in football in his clothes drawer and a program from the resort my family stayed in for my wedding. He saw me every day. He was proud. My grandparents werent just around, I didnt just visit them, they were major parts in raising me. Neither missed a single major and very few minor events in my life. Unashamed of who I was, angry, young and stupid, they afforded me the space and care to find myself and become the man I am and the man I will be, and that may be the greatest understatement I could ever make. I miss them greatly and am thankful for them both being so much more than what should have been required of them. Im standing on the shoulders of giants. I understand now. #RIP mary jacqueline and jimmy lee.
Posted on: Tue, 09 Dec 2014 16:30:38 +0000
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