This is going to be long. But I think it’s a worthy read, and a cautionary tale for anyone who wants to avoid loss of friends over stupid shit. As we enter another political campaign season, I guarantee you I will not be the only person who experiences this phenomenon. And I have some suggestions of how to avoid it. So, the backstory: another Facebook friendship bites the dust. Over what? Politics! Someone actually unfriended me because I see the world differently than she does. Did I insult her views? No, I only stated mine. On my own page. Respectfully, with no rancor. Did I attack her? No, she actually came on MY page and attacked me. Told me I should “go back to sleep” and “you don’t want to be confused by the facts” and…the best one… “you’re not worthy of my time or energy”. Why? Because I read the Benghazi reports, and came to a different conclusion than she did. And because I don’t agree with her that President Obama is a “pathological liar”. (I might have been willing to explore that concept if she had some sort of advanced education or training giving her the ability to diagnose mental illness from afar, but…alas, she doesn’t.) So I respectfully disagreed with her, she dropped a few nasty comments on my Facebook page, then flounced. Note that I didn’t unfriend her…nor did I go on HER page and attack HER views. She did both of those things to me. And the very next day, I myself unfriended another longtime friend…once again, over political attacks. Now, I would NOT have unfriended him simply because he has different political views. I have friends and family across the entire political spectrum, I fully respect everyone’s right to hold whatever political views they hold, and I would never dream of unfriending someone because we don’t have the same ones. But this “friend” didn’t just disagree with me…he called me a f*** liar, stupid, uninformed, and f***ed up. Because I’m a liberal. Oh, and this gem: “all liberals are stupid and liars”. So, in spite of my resolution never to unfriend someone simply because they have different political views, I felt I had no choice but to unfriend him. I really don’t have room in my life for so-called friends telling me I’m stupid. Heres some food for thought. Long ago, I used to get really angry at people whose political views were opposite of mine. I used to think, they all must be complete idiots, only a moron wouldnt see that MY views are the right ones! How dare they not realize that I’m right?? But I realized a long time ago that is simply not true. There are highly intelligent people, who are as informed as they can possible be in this age of information overload, who have very different views than I do. They are not idiots. They simply look at things through a different lens. They often want the same things I do…a government that works, happy families, less poverty, a stronger economy…but they believe in different ways to achieve those things. I may believe that their views are wrong, or misguided, or cause harm…but then, they believe that about mine. What I like to try to do is *understand* why they believe differently. And in doing that I have, in some cases, changed my own opinion. Certainly not always…there’s little anyone could say that will ever convince me, for example, that health care should not be available to every American. Or that the beliefs of one particular religion should be used to dictate laws that affect everyone, including those of different faiths. But in delving into the reasons behind some of my conservative friends’ views on certain other topics I’ve come away enlightened, better able to formulate and back up my own opinions, and with more respect for how they came to theirs. Yes, there are morons out there. There are liberals who just believe whatever they read on the liberal-leaning websites without any further research, or fall for satire (e.g. the recent fake Sarah Palin story about sending immigrants “across the ocean” to Mexico…no, she didn’t say that). And there are conservatives who just believe whatever they hear on Fox News (well known to have a strong conservative bias), without looking any further and discovering that there are vast amounts of unbiased information out there that are in direct conflict with what they heard. But there are many highly intelligent people on BOTH sides, who come to their views honestly, who make the effort to weed the facts out of the huge amounts of bullshit out there, and come to different conclusions over what those facts mean, and what should be done to help our nation move forward. What we all need to accept is that we all have our reasons for coming to the conclusions that we do. Even with the SAME information, we might have different opinions. Same with our politicians. Obama is not an idiot. Neither is Boehner, or Romney, or Nancy Pelosi. None of them “hate America”. They all want what’s best for our country, they just see through different lenses, and have different ideas on how achieve that. We may not agree with what they think or do, but that doesn’t mean they are stupid. Some of them do things that we think are VERY wrong…and our job is to vote for those politicians who believe what we do, and will take actions we agree with. And try doing it without rancor and hatred. Just…vote. You do yourself no favors by assuming everyone who believes differently than you is just stupid. You will never be able to make any headway, come to any compromise, or be able to sway opinions if you start from the place of “they’re all morons but those on my side”. Now, here’s what I really want to say to everyone. I wish to propose some basic Facebook etiquette that I believe can save many friendships over the next year: 1. Feel free to state your own political views on your own Facebook page. It’s your page. Post links, status updates, whatever you want. Make commentary. But keep it respectful. In stating your own opinion, you don’t need to trash or insult other political viewpoints, or the people who hold them. (Exception: 9/11 truthers, or birthers. They fall into the same category as Sandy Hook truthers, choosing to believe completely debunked lies in spite of well-documented facts, and it’s awfully hard to NOT to snark at people like that. And Sandy Hook truthers are just plain evil.) 2. Don’t go on other people’s facebook pages and attack them. It’s THEIR page, and they have a right to post their views. Don’t agree? Don’t read it. There’s a little arrow on every post in your newsfeed that allows you to hide it. Use it. 3. Don’t unfriend people just because they have different politics. If they are being hateful, insulting and demeaning in their posts, you might want to evaluate whether or not you really want people like that in your lives…and in that case, go right ahead and unfriend them. But if they are simply expressing views that differ from yours, is that really a reason to end a friendship? Do you really want to limit your circle of friends to ONLY people who think like you do? I know I don’t. 4. If you wish to engage in a political debate with a friend who posted something with which you disagree, ASK the person first if it’s okay. Some people don’t want to debate. They just want to post their own opinions on their own pages. And that’s fine. It’s their page. 5. If you do ask, and the person agrees to a discussion, for god’s sake follow the basic rules of polite debate! No insults, no ad-hominem attacks (if you don’t know what that means, google it), no nasty comments, or hate speech, or broad sweeping proclamations about everyone who holds a view different from yours. Be respectful! 6. Back your opinions up with facts. Just because you think something is true doesn’t mean it is. Newsflash: you could be wrong! I certainly have been, many times. Be willing to accept that you too are human, and might be wrong about something. 7. If you are wrong, have some humility and admit it. Being wrong will NOT kill you. It doesn’t mean you’re stupid. It just means that you believed something that turned out to not be true. Hey, I once believed that “My Sharona” was written by Eddie Van Halen! I thought I’d read it somewhere, and I believed it completely, until somebody showed me on the actual album that it was written by Berton Averre and Doug Fieger. Maybe you didn’t have some key information yet. But now that you do...dont hang on to something that is patently false just to save face. Because guess what? Youre not saving it. You’re actually losing it. How stupid would I have looked if I continued to insist that EVH wrote My Sharona? You’ve all seen this. How many times have you seen someone say something that wasn’t true, and then when faced with irrefutable facts proving them wrong, dig their heels in like a petulant child and refuse to change their view? That’s a sign of emotional immaturity. You will win far more admiration for being willing to admit you were wrong and you learned something new that changed your mind, than you will by continuing to hold on to a belief that has been proven to be false. 8. And while were at it, if you really want to be taken seriously in any political discussion, here are a couple more terms to google: confirmation bias, and logical fallacy. Understanding those two concepts can go a long way to enhancing your credibility. I acknowledge I have not always followed these rules myself. I have gotten angry. I have responded to political comments/links that my friends have posted on their own pages, without asking permission. I have made sweeping comments about the opposition. I have always tried to be respectful, but I haven’t always succeeded. I regret that, and I will not do that anymore. Let me say that I am NOT suggesting we shouldn’t talk about politics. We absolutely should! And I will make the offer right here that I grant you all permission in advance to debate with me on any of my own political posts. I will not attack or ridicule you. I WILL ask you to back up your perspective with facts, and I will back mine up as well. But I will not allow attacks, insults, or hate speech. Act like a grownup and we might learn something from each other. And maybe we’ll be able to maintain our friendships with people who differ from us politically. Maybe WE can change the current climate of rancor in this country simply by treating the people we care about, the people weve decided to include on our list of friends, with basic respect. I told you this was going to be long! :)
Posted on: Wed, 26 Nov 2014 02:59:18 +0000
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