This list is for those you who have asked me what it is like to have worked in a prison for the last 22 years. Someone emailed it to me and I felt it hit the nail on the head. i did add some of my own thoughts to. So let’s start with the list of “You might be a Prison Guard if...” Youve ever told one of your kids to drop me a kite (or “dayroom recall”). • Youve ever thrown away a full can of soda because it was out of your sight for 30 seconds. (I have!) • Youve ever wanted to physically assault your partner because they said, It sure is quiet today. (just two days ago) • Youve ever looked a pool of blood like a Rorschach test “it looks like two ducks kissing!” • The buzzer in a basketball game on TV makes you jump. (Or a ref’s whistle) (You would understand this if you have ever heard the alarm go off during an emergency in a prison). • You refer to the mall Santa as Chester Claus. • Youve ever fixed a plumbing problem with a side-handle baton. (It works!) • Youve ever looked at a stain on your pants and wondered if it was blood, feces, or taco sauce. • Youve ever been subpoenaed because of toilet paper. (Or by an inmate’s family because their son had a heart attack after trying to kill his cellmate). (I was once sued for 20 million for defending myself from an inmate). • Youve ever driven past a high school and thought, Job security. • You know that, I slipped in the shower, I fell off my bunk, and I got hit playing basketball all mean the same thing: I got my ass beat.” (I heard that again on Wednesday, and he did get his ass beat). • You remember when getting gassed meant you had too much to drink. • Youve ever considered calling in sick when you saw there was a full moon. • You cant feel comfortable in a restaurant unless your chair faces the door. • You play Gang Graffiti Bingo with your kids when driving on long trips “Ooohh, West Side Locos, I just got my middle square!” • You watch an inmate get Life-Flighted for a bloody hangnail, but the Governor claims that YOU are the reason theres a budget crisis. • Before you can buy a woman a drink, you have to make sure she doesnt have an Adams Apple. • Your favorite coffee pot hasnt been cleaned since Governor Reagan, and god help anyone who tries to wipe the crust off. • Youve ever seen a man with breasts and wearing Daisy Duke shorts beat the hell out of three guys at the same time. (His “name” was Gina). • Your gunner is a “Fish”, your partners a “Dump Truck”, and your relief is a “Lop.” (You just have to work in a prison to understand this one). • You can flip to the exact Folger Adams key from a group of five to six without looking. • Your stomach sinks when a full chow hall suddenly goes dead quiet. • You can actually read and understand an inmate’s illiterate attempt at written requests. “I need a bace for my wrisit.” • You believe that “Gas’em till they puke!” is an appropriate Use of Force. • You disbelieve 90 percent of what you hear and 75 percent of what you see. • You never count on going home until have actually made it out of the prison. • You believe that ALL PRISON MANAGEMENT should have fought an inmate at least once before evaluating if you have used appropriate force. • You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: Suicide...getting it right the first time. • You have ever seen an inmate hanging by their neck and thought, “Damn! Now I have to do paperwork.” (Happened two weeks ago and spent 16 hours doing the death package). • You know preferred overtime is from 2nd to 3rd, 3rd to 1st is ugly, but 1st to 2nd is torture. • You know that “S.O.S.” really means “Stuck On Stupid!” • You still get a weird feeling in your gut when you walk into a prison. (It’s never bothered me, yes I know I’m sick). • You recognize that anyone who is willing to stick anything up his ass to hide it is one DANGEROUS S.O.B. • You translate “Hey! Hey CO! Check this out!” to mean “Listen very closely while I attempt lie to you.” • You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body. • You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession. • You know the value of a good pair of boots. • You know that color-coding something was designed to make it “Guard Proof.” • People shout, Don’t drop the soap! when they find out you work in a prison and think theyre being hugely funny and original. • A weeks worth of laundry consists of five T-shirts, five pairs of socks, and five pairs of underwear. (And one jumpsuit). • Youve ever referred to Wednesday as my weekend, or this is my Friday. • Youve ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction. • You get gassed and pray it was just water or coffee, but don’t know until the aroma hits. • You have forgotten to eat your lunch because you were too busy. (At least once a week). • You feel good when you hear these handcuffs are too tight. J. Anderson Lieutenant Facility D Valley State Prison
Posted on: Fri, 01 Nov 2013 04:16:16 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015