This one of my beginning writings from my book when my grief was new and the pain was unbelievable. Drowning In The Sea Of Yesterday Oh God I feel like I am drowning today. I am drowning in the sea of yesterday. I have so many reminders of you. How can I ever escape the pain of losing you? Where can I hide from my thoughts? Where can I ever feel human again? Where can I ever lay back and relax my mind and body? Where can I ever go to find that place of real contentment? You know the one that comes at the end of a day when you set a goal and achieved it? You know the one I am talking about the one that has that great feeling of accomplishment? What will I ever feel accomplished about? Will I feel accomplished when I have learned to live one more day without you in it? How many years will I have to go down this road without you? That to me does not feel like an accomplishment, it feels more like something I was forced to do dragging my feet all the way. Since your death every word it subject to great scrutiny. The meanings of words as I knew them have come under a new light, and a microscope. I can never take words lightly again! This is how my world has changed. Nothing is simple anymore! I hear the words differently. People say I hope you can find some peace of mind and I can not ever imagine finding some peace of mind. I am so lost in my world of pain I can not find a person, a place, a thing that could give me peace of mind. I write about words. I take them and cut them up into small pieces. I see in that process how ridiculous words really are. They can never do it justice. Words are just an expression of a feeling not the feeling itself. It is the outside covering of an emotion that is intangible. I wish I could paint, or sing, or act out how this feels so the rest of the world could understand how this feels. It feels like you are in a never-ending play. To end the play is to say it is over, or it is finished. In this play there are no endings just new beginnings. In this play, you have the lead role, everything revolves around you. If you lose your place, everyone else loses theirs too. Like the actor on stage you too feel like everyone is watching your every move. What does act mean after all? To me it means to put on, or pretend, to be something or someone else and make it look good or real to the one viewing the play. It means to take them away from their real life and bring them to yours. Make it believable to them. To sweep them away with the emotion you have created on stage. Sometimes I fear this is what my life is going to be about. One long scene one after another, day in and day out. And I do not know how long anyone can keep that up. I struggle everyday to get up for task of the role. I keep thinking that eventually it will become real and then I can enjoy the fruits of my labor and be proud of the job I did. I just want to feel real again and talk, and walk naturally with ease without feeling strange like I do not fit. I just want to once again belong, to feel community, to feel part of the world and not separate from it. Today is one of those days I find that hard to do. Maybe if I hold on tomorrow will be that day for me. If there is a tomorrow for me I can only hope. Love Liz https://facebook/pages/Whispers-from-Heaven/604565892890783 link to my book bookstore.balboapress/Products/SKU-000651550/Whispers-from-Heaven.aspx
Posted on: Sun, 05 Oct 2014 10:30:02 +0000
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