This was written by a young woman, wise beyond her years. Stesha Drilling. I dont post often, but tonight a post caught my eye. A mother asking if anyone can give us hope. I am by no means an expert, or a therapist, or much of anything besides a child myself, but I do have some hope, some wisdom, and some comfort that I can offer. I was 16 when I had my son. He was born 2 months premature with a rare condition that had no cure. I didnt know love until I saw him. I had suffered from major depressive disorder since I was 6 years old, had dealt with self harm from that time up to that moment, I had attempted suicide many times, until then. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, or that I had any kind of purpose or impact on this world. Not one bit, until I saw him. My son, perfect and beautiful. I knew why I was here, and it was to be his mother. I belonged here with my son, and no words could do justice to describe the love and pride I felt towards him. I lived in the hospital with him, for 39 days I watched over him, hardly surviving on my own, living off the tokens I got from the NICU. I couldnt even hold him. I Finally got to hold him, for the first time, as he passed away in my arms. I couldnt let him go. I held him, and cried, and begged for a miracle that never came. I felt I had lost everything, I still feel like Ive lost everything. I dropped out of school after losing him, I quit my job and locked myself away. How could I be expected to live on after losing the only person in the world that mattered to me? I am now 20 years old, I have come a long way. Let me tell you what Ive learned along the way, and hopefully, give you all some hope, or at the very least some comfort. Im sure youve all heard that It gets easier But let me tell you that is the biggest lie anyone can tell you. Dont ever think it will get easier or tomorrow will be better because you are setting yourself up for disaster. Tomorrow will be different. It will become different. The grief you feel wont get easier, it wont become any less. The pain and emptiness and aching in your heart wont go away. But you will be able to learn to live with it, instead of living against it. It will become your new normal and thus, making it feel like its easier to deal with. Grief is like waves. There are always ripples, your day to day life, and Sometimes there are huge waves, that tower far above you and come crashing down all around you. We have to stop struggling to get out of the water. Its not about getting out of the water, its all about learning to ride the waves. Understand that there will be sunny days, where you feel like you are alright, and there are cloudy days, where you feel distant or detatched or just off in some way, maybe even have a knot in your throat but you are still able to carry on with your day, and there are days that will be rainy, and you cant seem to pull yourself off the ground. You cant stop crying, or wishing you could close your eyes forever. This is all normal. You cant stop the rain from coming, and you cant stop the waves from crashing down, but you can allow them to do so. Allow yourself to grieve, because grieving is ok. Crying is ok. Being angry is ok. Being happy is ok. Grief is a life long journey, and none of us are alone, even though it may feel that way. I know to me, it feels wrong when my little sister tells me Im her hero, because I am so strong. My older sister tells me I couldnt do what you have done. I would have died. and I just want to tell them that I am no hero, I am not strong, and I have died. None of them seem to realize that I still do cry, every night. I still think about my son, I still feel like it happened yesterday. I still have a huge hole in my heart, my arms ache to hold him, theres an emptiness that follows me, and I cant escape the loneliness. I am no hero, and you dont see me suffer. Thats what I want to tell them. But you are strong, coming from one grieving mother to another. I dont know if this helped anyone, but I hope it did. I want you all to know that I am here to listen or talk to you if you want. If you have any questions, or just want to vent, or want to talk about your beautiful child/ren than feel free to talk to me, any time. I will listen, I will talk to you. I will help in any way that I can, because I know what its like to be alone, to feel alone, and to fight alone, and no one deserves to feel that way. We are all here together, and I care about every single one of you. Take care
Posted on: Wed, 31 Dec 2014 19:59:03 +0000
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