This will probably be one of the longest Facebook posts Ill ever write, so bare with me. Im finally (somewhat) coming out of my pageant coma and sitting down to catch my breath after a whirlwind weekend while competing at Miss Arkansas USA 2015. This post will be honest, sincere, and coming from my heart. The moment I made the decision to compete in the pageant this year, was a difficult one. Often times, people degrade pageants. They look at it as a silly and outdated tradition. It couldnt be further from the truth. The women who compete in these competitions are STRONG. And BRAVE. We dedicate our lives to serve as role models, being true to ourselves and to honor our family and friends, to grace the organization leaving it better than we found it (regardless of the system we compete in), we put our lives and jobs on hold to chase after a dream. A dream that may or may not come true. Individuals invest in us. Monetarily, emotionally, and personally. People pour into supporting us and its up to us to prove ourselves on a stage before a panel of 6 distinguished judges. It was my 4th time to compete in this pageant as a Miss, and my 5th time competing within the organization. I sat out during 2014. My heart was not open to the idea of being a focused competitor and I dont ever want to step on stage not feeling 100%. I turned to God when deciding on competing in 2015 and I knew I had to try again. People from all over this state, and even nation wide- supported me, and believed in me. Kayla its your year Its finally your turn to win There is nobody more adequate for this job than you. Well, I failed. Let me explain failed I failed by not winning the swimsuit award. Something I trained for, for months in advance. My name was not called. I didnt win evening gown, it wasnt the judges favorite. I didnt win interview, I must have said something wrong. I choked on my onstage question (again) people will bash me for not having gone to college - and they will think Im not educated or a capable title holder. I wasnt crowned Miss Arkansas USA 2015. I have failed everybody who poured countless hours of love, wisdom, money, and work into me, and I didnt win. Hold that thought, though. I did not fail at all. I was in the best shape of my life, contrary to some of the things Ive read, and I was healthy, and felt so good about MYSELF in my swimsuit! Thats good right? To feel confident about yourself!? My evening gown was everything I could have wanted. I felt like a million bucks. Its ok if you didnt like it, I know some of you didnt. I chose my gown because of the feeling I had when I put it on. It made the hairs on my neck stand up, and I felt beautiful from the INSIDE, out. Thats good too, right!? I had, hands down, the best private interview I had ever had. I had amazing conversations with all of my judges. We talked about my job, how I enjoy being a stylist, about my niece Brooklynn. We laughed, joked about how I was in desperate need of coffee, and how much I wanted this job. They made me feel like I was special. Thats GOOD TOO RIGHT!? All of these amazing things. And then a question. I couldnt spit out disease control center disease control center KAYLA SAY DISEASE CONTROL CENTER nope. Blank. Um. Um. Damn. But..... I followed up with the most heartfelt answer Ive ever given in my years of the quest towards the crown. I want my inner beauty to dance circles around my outer beauty. I want people to remember me for my heart and I couldnt be more true in that statement. I didnt get on the pageant message boards at all in my time leading up to the pageant. And I was not to smart and in a moment of weakness today, I looked. I was astonished. The things some of these people say are jaw dropping. I dont care for Kayla I dont get her, Ill never support her if she ever wins She would never make it at miss usa, shes already struggled to win such a small state like Arkansas her hair is so awful, why is it so much lighter in the back? She will never win with that hair maybe she should take a few college classes and she could actually give an intelligent answer These are anonymous individuals. Names arent posted. And yet, there is no denying, in a moment of defeat, its hurtful. None of these people know WHO I AM TO MY CORE. None of these individuals know that I dont care if they support me or not, I dont compete for them, I compete to have a voice for causes other than myself. None of these people know the caliber of contestants that we have in Arkansas- little but fierce. I didnt have a good hair week, is it really that big of a deal people? P.s. Open a magazine- its called ombré and I love my hair, thats all that matters. College is not for me, and I dont need college courses to give an onstage answer. Sure i screwed up again, yes Im kicking myself for it. Do you know how badly it hurts? Put a cork in it, its over and done, move along. Yes Ill have an interview coach next year. I knew after my answer. I had sealed my fate. I was crushed. It was written all over my face. 1st runner up. BUT WAIT!!!!!!!! FIRST RUNNER UP IS THE BEST I HAVE EVER PLACED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did not walk away with the crown THIS TIME. Maybe Ill win in 2016, maybe 2017, maybe never. Who knows. But what I do know, is I wont give up. If its a dream that you truly want, you must not be afraid. I have a lifetime supply of courage that Im ready to use towards this goal and I choose to not feel defeated. But to rejoice. I chose to rejoice in the fact that God allowed me to place as high as I did. That he kept me calm all weekend and led me down the path to compete, period. I choose to rejoice that His plans wrecked mine. I wanted this job. And I didnt get it. He has something else in mind for me and I choose TO REJOICE IN THAT. Thank you all for the unconditional love and support you have showed me throughout this year and my journey. I am honored to overwhelmed with your love and support. Each text, phone call, post, message, tweet, instagram post did NOT go unnoticed and kept my fire dwelling all weekend. I cant say thank you enough. I will return to the real world now and focus on my career and thats ok with me. I have already made the decision to compete again in 2016. I cant give up on my dreams. Congratulations to our two incredible new titleholders - Leah and Arynn. I adore you both and am thrilled God has led you each to the path of being a titleholder. Crown or no crown, I am a daughter of Christ, and I choose to not be defeated. Kayla
Posted on: Tue, 07 Oct 2014 06:16:11 +0000
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