Thoughts from... I havent posted my thoughts for a little while. Partially because I have been tired and my brain has felt fried. But mostly because I have been trying to decide what I really want to share. Its impossible to package up the last few months of our lives into tidy blog posts that always make ya feel good. I try to view things in a positive light, but some days that is just hard. So when the hard days come, I tend to keep quiet. I am realizing more and more, that may be when I need to speak up. The last week has had many beautiful moments. Luis is bonding more and more to me and that is a gift. I am so thankful that he is learning to connect to his family. But old habits die hard. 14 months of life in an orphanage taught him survival techniques. Biting, hitting, shrieking, and temper tantrums can flare up within a blink of an eye. I wish I could say that when he reverts to his old techniques, I am filled with compassion. I wish I could say that I always give him grace and just the right comfort when hes scared. But the reality is, sometimes I shriek back. Two nights ago I was frustrated. Really frustrated. Luis was fighting me. Hard. I was trying to give him his bottle before bed time and the only thing he was interested in doing was kicking me. I wanted to do the same thing. I wanted to get on the floor and kick my legs right on back. I wanted to scream. And cry. And maybe scream some more. And then the guilt set in. What are you thinking, Stephanie? What ARE you thinking? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?! Feelings of inadequacy washed over me as I lingered over the idea that maybe I wasnt the best mom for Luis. Feelings of shame surfaced as I questioned myself. And then came the feelings of fear. Fear that I was going to mess him up because I have no idea what Im doing. It was an ugly moment. A moment of scrutinizing every little thing I had been doing with Luis for the last 7 weeks. Later that night as I was laying in bed and talking to James, he set me right in my tracks. He reminded me that we are NOT perfect for this. We WILL mess up. And thats ok. The reality is, Im imperfect. In every single thing I do. The sooner I can grasp that, the sooner I can rely on the Holy Spirit to navigate me through all the tantrums and hard times ahead. Instead of continuing to burden myself with the pressure of always being the perfect mom, Im exchanging it for the freedom to ask for insights and resources to help me be a good mom to my kids. I think feelings of guilt and imperfection plague many of us. We question our roles as moms and dads, husbands and wives, business professionals, siblings, friends, etc...We wear the idea that we are supposed to do everything right, all the time. That we are supposed to know what we are doing. That we dont need help. Not true, not true, not true. I am being daily reminded of my imperfections, and for the very first time, I think I am ok with it. Thank you all for the continued prayers and support we have been receiving. The love, texts, cards, and meals have been amazing. So much love is being felt. Mucho love to yall. Have a Super Tuesday!!
Posted on: Tue, 22 Jul 2014 12:56:41 +0000
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