Thoughts from the Treadmill: Isn’t it nice when you get to go to bed early? And isn’t it a relief that your Hawtism can finally get themselves ready for bed and brush their teeth on their own? And isn’t it serenity that you can read in bed to help you relax and fall asleep after a long day as a referee and damage control specialist? But isn’t it a surprise when you wake up at 1:30 in the morning to a strange vibration on the side of your body and you realize it is your kitten purring and sleeping right next to you and you wonder who let her in your bedroom? And because she is so content and cute, don’t you sacrifice your comfort and try to ignore the urge to scratch the itch you have so she can stay there? But doesn’t it become even more surprising when your big fat bovine male cat suddenly jumps up on the bed too and lies down on your leg to go to sleep? But aren’t you happy that for once there are two living creatures in the house that are NOT mad at you about whatever and for once you feel unconditionally loved? But isn’t that feeling short lived when you begin to get a muscle cramp in your leg because the circulation is now being compromised by the draping catcow and it feels like Moe Howard is twisting your leg in a clockwise direction like he would do to his brother Larry? And after a while, don’t you have about as much kitty cat love that you can take, you get up and almost fall down because all the blood has completely left your leg, you go to the kitchen, distract the kitten and cow meow with tuna, and then return to your bed to try and go back to sleep? But isn’t it typical that now you are wide awake, staring at the ceiling, immersed heavily into stinkin’ thinkin’, obsessing over your son starting 5th grade, and wondering why your request to have a Hawtphone installed in the school principal’s office, as well as a Hawtsignal that would show the words, “Come Quick” in the sky were denied? But isn’t a good diversion when you notice a spider walking on the ceiling above you? And isn’t it mentally ill when you begin talking to the spider? But isn’t it quite normal that you ask the spider, “Hey spider, can you weave a web for me that has a message in it…my kids would love it?” And isn’t it crazy when the spider answers back, “No, I don’t do that anymore. I wrote for an animal once, the media found out about it, and people from everywhere showed up to see it.” And don’t you get curious and ask, “What kind of animal did you write for?” And aren’t you not surprised when the spider says, “Oh it was for SOME PIG.” But aren’t you excited that although you are hallucinating about a talking spider, you’ve stopped obsessing for a few minutes about the start of school and you begin to dose off again? But aren’t you thrust awake when you hear your oldest Hawtism suddenly jump off his loft bed, run to your bedroom door, and open it so hard that it slams against the wall behind it and makes a startling SLAM? And after you’ve revived yourself from your heart attack and changed your underwear, isn’t it expected that your son says, “Mom, I just had the COOOOOLEST dream but I’ll tell you about it in the morning,” races back to bed, forgets to close the door behind him so the kitten and cow meow now see an opportunity, scamper back into your room, jump on the bed again, and plop down in the exact positions that almost paralyzed you about 10 minutes ago? But isn’t it interesting that now your youngest Hawtism has been awoken (it appears) by his older brother’s sudden mad dash into your room and he is now calling out to you from his bed? And isn’t it interesting that when you get to his room he is sitting up in his loft bed rocking back and forth saying “Hey Mom, hey Mom, hey Mom…” over and over again and you now realize that, once again, he is sleep sitting and really not awake? But isn’t it scary when he begins to rock too close to the ladder on his bed, is about to fall down it, you freak out, yell “oh *hit!” and race towards him in an attempt to catch him, but accidentally tackle and wake him up instead? And aren’t you grateful that you just went to the store that day and bought a new supply of Benadryl to give your Hawtism since he is now wide awake, more mentally damaged, and can’t sleep due to your poorly executed life saving gesture? But isn’t it annoying when you return to your bedroom to see that your husband has slept through the entire dog and pony show, the cats have now completely taken over your side of the bed, and you now have less than 3 hours until you have to get up for your morning work-out? And isn’t it a good thing that you have your friends the Endorphins to motivate and guilt you into getting up after very little sleep? But isn’t it a miracle when you are able to make it to your treadmill after fixing your shirt that you put on backwards and begin running…slowly…and at this point you would rather be tortured with eating lima beans or beets because you feel like you took care of 6 newborn babies last night…at the same time? But isn’t it great that it is finally beginning to sink into your head that MILLI (mother-in-law-living-inside) is REALLY gone after 10 looooong years because after all the commotion last night she would have by now come out of her granny cave holding a crucifix and be saying, “God almighty what were you doing up there last night…my kids NEVER did anything like that before…blah blah blah…?” But isn’t it weird that upon this moment of realization and clarity, it’s as if someone just made you drink a gallon of 5-Hour Energy and you suddenly feel like you won the lottery, you increase your running speed to 6.5, and have the best workout you’ve had in months?!
Posted on: Sun, 11 Aug 2013 23:08:33 +0000
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