Time is a bit like elastic. Sometimes a year ago feels like forever and other times its as fresh as yesterday. Im finding myself standing at the top of the inevitable slide again; it always seems to happen in the season of all things dying. I think Autumn is worse than winter, possibly because there is no way to avoid watching the changing colours and decaying of your surroundings. This time last year, I had just signed the lease on my first ever council house. The family home had finally been sold and the kids and I had started boxing our lives up and clearing out the things we didnt need any more. I was in an odd place, mentally. That strange feeling of something going to happen, but not knowing what because none of the things you knew were planned or arranged seemed to fit the feeling. A year ago I met a friend from the virtual world and the phone lines, in real life for the first time. I didnt post updates about it, in case anyone is thinking of looking for clues! Not because I was being secretive, but because I was suffering from an acute attack of the not enoughs; I decided I wasnt cool enough, funny enough or attractive enough to be tagging new people in pubs. Because if I did that, it would be like I was forcing people to admit they knew me. That probably doesnt make much sense, but Im batshit crazy and I reserve the right to do exactly what it says on the tin! Ive learned a lot in the last year; admittedly, I do try and learn something every day, whether its a new word, a fact or something new for my eardrums, but the real learning is of the things that most people dont write down. Ive written down a lot of them, on here. I dont know if Im sharing because I dont want my friends to have to had some of my experiences. But that would be naive because its the trying times that we learn most from. I think maybe I say these things out loud in the hope that even one person says Me too and doesnt feel like theyre alone, trying to sparkle in a starless sky. Thats worth reaching out for. Anyway, what Ive learned, part ?? in an occasional series. The only person Im not good enough for is me when Im horribly depressed. Were our own harshest critics and most inflexible judges. Every person has a legend and a backstory, but who you were isnt all you are. We can all make new glory days if we stop trading on the old ones. Maybe we do that to other people, people you knew of but didnt actually know back in the days when we were avoiding growing up. Can any of us live up to our legends? Those stories that people repeat as if these tales are somehow quintessentially you. I probably did at least 75% of the stupid things Im alleged to have done, but maybe the lights werent as bright as we remember them, the drop wasnt so far and those 20 tequila slammers were more like 10. I do this thing sometimes, where I sit outside myself and watch a night out with my friends and I see everyone dazzling and laughing and dancing like our joints arent starting to hurt. And I know that were all enjoying ourselves, but I wonder if Ive actually had anything to do with that. I guess its the not good enoughs at work again. I cant see how my being there adds anything to a night out. What if Im not the only one feeling like that? Maybe the spark that all of us still have inside, our reputations as libertines that we both love and try to downplay depending on the company; maybe those things in all of us set our shared atmosphere alight and for a brief time, we get to be everything people think we are? But life is a bit like a string of pearls; we all like to look at the shiny stuff, but its the string that holds it all together. My point, and there might even be one; its who you are in the quiet moments that really matters. The rest is swarovski crystals and peacock feathers. That said, dont stop dazzling. Any of you. As always, hugs to those who need them xxx
Posted on: Sun, 05 Oct 2014 09:23:23 +0000
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