To long, dont read. Or do, whatever XD I was named Carl Williams Jr. At the moment I considered myself nameless and considering changing my name to Allen Mannez or Allen Rider. I want a middle name but havent thought of one. I have a best friend that seems to love picking at peoples brains. For the most part that part of him gets ignored by others, myself included, despite him speaking honestly. I am really smart. Trying to think how others would think is fun to me. Though I dont seem empathetic I always wonder what its like in others peoples shoes, this gave me the ability to think most things threw and to try and act as a peace keeper. Despite that I am a loner. I love attention, I know that, why else would I post my problems on Facebook or even write this is I didnt want someone to read it and notice it, but I hate connections, I wont let people close unless I click, and once they click I have a dependency on them, usually leading up to the point I start thinking Im a bad person if my view of myself does not match what I think they deserve. The most difficult person I had to deal with is myself. I always have contradicting thoughts. One side of me hates my life and wishes things would get better and the other is always trying and normally knows what to do. I have been labeled as bi polar, but in my mind the only reason the doctor thought that was because I consciously thought something was wrong with me and thats what I showed, just like my fear and anxiety of hospitals gets worse as soon as I think about and notice Im in a hospital and I consciously start twitching my leg. My goal in life has always been consistent. I dont believe I have a normal voice. I can never speak to my peers, but I was always able to get my thoughts out. I draw, I write a lot, and the computer is the most important thing to me. Music creates worlds in my head and games are just portals, ones I want to make. When I write I want people to understand what Im thinking, that the brave warrior is nothing more than trying to get over a fear I have or the bad guy is just a part of myself I dont want, and when I draw I want to show people things they cant see otherwise. I always feel better after typing or finishing a drawing, even if its just a sketch or a Facebook Status. Im never alone. Every character I have ever created is important to me and I trust what they say more than almost any human I know. Though I have a character based off me he is not me, hes nicer, hes constantly tormented, hes constantly trying to find his real self, hes the one that stares at me and takes all the BS out of my thoughts and says what needs to be said. Hes the one that knows my excuses are complete BS, the one that reminds me to stop being lazy, and the one that knows why Im sad, yet hes the one that gets ignored the most and has the most foes. My best friend gave me a book. He can be such a meddler some times, but he has the best intentions and hes usually right. The book so far is filled with stuff I already know, basically everything I have told myself, but ignored. Lets see how many more kicks in the ass its going to take before the Allen in my head finally gets annoyed from being ignored and speaks up and makes things happen.
Posted on: Fri, 25 Oct 2013 09:16:14 +0000
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