To my Tonya, my fellow Aspies, ASDs, Autistics, and to the friends and families of any and all developmentally challenged people... I want to take the time to share this story. April 2nd was World Autism Awareness Day. Autism is more common than you may realize. Honestly, it is more common than I had realized. The CDC now believes Autism and Autistic traits affect 1 out of every 68 children born in the US today. So lets put that into perspective... That is over 2 million individuals in the US alone. Just for reference; the hot babe Daryl Hannah, Dan Aykroyd, Albert Einstein, Marty Balin (Jefferson Airplain), Mozart, Tim Burton (total shocker, I know), Courtney Love, and Lewis Caroll (which would explain my affinity for Through the Looking Glass), amongst many others, have all been diagnose with or suspected of having Aspergers or autism, but since it wasnt clinically defined and diagnosed until 1944, we cant be certain for all of them. More importantly, my idol Susan Boyle is a recently diagnosed fellow Aspie... I never thought it would be possible, but I LOVE that woman even more now than I did before! Did you even know I am considered Mildly Autistic? Actually, I have been diagnosed with Aspergers. I even told everyone I was self diagnosed, but I was actually clinically diagnosed. I had to pay $170 for about 5 pages of test papers that I had to fill out about myself and my life that insurance didnt cover, then some additional money to have someone interpret my test. I can tell you I knew something was wrong without the paperwork though. I realized that throughout my life, I have NEVER been socially or even emotionally on par with my peers. Throughout school and even now I am quite capable of understanding and/or even surpassing my mentors or teachers at certain tasks or understanding certain concepts, yet I am completely unable, more like incapable, of grasping even the most basic concept of other subjects or tasks. So you can get a better understanding, I know I posted this link once before, but I feel it needs to be posted again. Carly Fleischmann is an inspiration to me. Before hearing about this once before, I never gave much thought to sharing with others what is actually going on with me. In fact, I avoided it, denied it, even lied to myself. Now thanks to Carly, I thought it was time to share. I had intended to write this and share it last night in celebration of World Autism Awareness Day which is actually when I had started, but I didnt finish on time... I fell asleep. So let me start there. Sleep, or rather what I consider to be sleep. I dont know if it is my Aspergers or any of the other associated conditions I have been lucky enough to have been blessed with, but I wake up every night. Sometimes it is for just a few minutes, sometimes for hours, sometimes just two or three times, sometimes countless times, and sometimes I dont even wake up because I never get to sleep... My mind is too busy processing the day. Okay lets skip the processing the day part and touch on that later. My inability to sleep through the night is something I had never given much thought to throughout my life. I always thought it was normal... Until about 10 years ago. Whats it like? I cant speak for everyone, bur I have, lets call them overwhelming sensations, that at times interrupt my basic day to day abilities to focus. I sometimes wonder if that would also label me as ADD, but from what I understand, it isnt the same. Sounds, scents, sights, lights, touch, taste, all these are things that affect me and stroke, guide, and even control my thoughts and sometimes my memory. Have you ever smelled something and it suddenly took you back to another time in your life? Have you ever seen something and thought, Wow! I remember doing this exact thing before? Imagine if that happened daily... Multiple times daily... And not just with sight or smell, but with all of your senses. It is overwhelming and very distracting. Have you ever listened to some music one of your friends liked and thought, That sounds awful!? Imagine if it was just a word. The sound of the word. Not that it was a curse word or derogatory, but the very phonetics of that word were displeasing to you. Imagine you have a hair on your cheek. As a breeze blows, you are suddenly aware it is there and right where it is. It isnt hurting you but it is bothering you. Now imagine someone is touching you. It doesnt hurt, or tickle, or tease, but it is displeasing all the same. The sensation of touch overwhelms you. Suddenly you cant help but to focus on that one point of your body. Is their touch too light? Is it too hard? I dont know, but it is there. It isnt comfortable. Now imagine that feeling being your clothes. These are just some of my daily struggles. Ever walked by someone who WREAKED of cologne or perfume? Just think of how it would be if you could suffer that same effect from everyday smells. Imagine being in the hospital awaiting the birth of your second child when they apply Betadine® to cleanse the about to be mother for the IV and BAM! Face first! 61 and 263 pounds of liquified father falling on that poor nurse. Yep, I passed out merely from the smell of it. I have to avoid other smells as well. Then there is that social filter thing... We DONT have one. For us it is either a learned trait, or something we never learn. Sometimes we have an issue where people are talking, and we know the subject well, but dont realize it isnt our place to interject. Sometimes we want to talk about something and start talking only to realize we arent getting the expected response from people because it is a socially awkward conversation. Ever have that feeling it is absolutely taboo to say or talk about something. You know, where you are not supposed to say something, and you know better, yet you cant stop yourself from saying it. It is like that for us ALL THE TIME! I once explained it as being like Tourettes but with full sentences instead of just words. Sometimes we dont even realize we have said something until it is already out there. Tonight I woke up. I hate it too because I was having such a pleasant dream, and I dream in color... Vivid, bright, fantastic color. I was in Hawaii at the Ocean Rider Seahorse Farm when suddenly there is this feeling, like my legs are encompassed by wriggling, warm earthworms. I am awake!!! I have to take off my pajama pants. Normally I dont wear them (or anything else) to bed specifically because of this, but tonight, I fell asleep after my shower and didnt have a chance to. Other nights I feel so cold, but I am actually burning up. Sometimes, it is too quiet. Sometimes it is too loud outside, but not loud enough inside. Maybe it is just that little corner-flap of a sheet... ...touching me... Okay, now that you know that part of me, lets talk about one of my friends. I will not say their name, but I will talk about my biggest mentor, and the main influence on my life. She was my first Bestie. I idolized her and wished I could be like her in so many ways. I still do! She was so smart about so many things. She was influential, outgoing, and a true social butterfly. She was also a wild child. Well, to say she was a wild child isnt quite right. It doesnt do her justice. She wasnt so much wild as she was feral. She was a true product of Aspergers released into an unaccepting situation and later into an unapologetic society, who taught herself, and later me, how to adapt our talents to coexist with our disabilities and even to mask our inadequacies. Through her, I found that many Aspies want attention, LOTS of attention, just not from a lot of people. I tend to be on a weird spectrum that requires needful intimacy. Not always romantic intimacy, but a personal connection. It is an undying, unyielding, unending need. The catch? ONLY from people I can connect with on an emotional level. I try to be very open and accepting... Actually, I believe I may exceed at it, trying to hard to be like my first ever bestie, and mostly because all I ever wanted to do was fit in. Not that I ever did, maybe I never will, but thanks to some of my closest friends I have now, no matter where I fit, I know where I belong. If I cannot connect with you emotionally, I dont want to be around you too much. And I CANNOT deal with too many people at one time. It is overwhelming. All those faces, all that activity, all that information coming in at one time... I cant process it fluidly like you can. I process it in bits of information at a time. Sometimes I process a second conversation that was going on while I was trying to concentrate on the one I was having. Sometimes I process it simultaneously, and sometimes an hour after the conversations occurred. Sometimes, I process multiple conversations and recall what was said verbatim days later... When I was sleeping. Talk about too much information. You would not believe some of the things I hear people discuss in public. No wonder I have no speech filter sometimes! LOL... Sometimes, I cannot even remember what we are talking about right now. My brain is busy on another conversation and I cannot refocus. I cannot make my ears unhear the other conversation and/or I cannot process what you just said or are saying. Sometimes, it isnt what I am hearing, but what I am seeing. Too much information to process sight and sound at the same time. Sometimes, JUST sometimes, I cannot even process what you are saying even though nothing else is going on. But then again, I am a man so sometimes, I may just be ignoring you. Okay, now for the embarrassing parts... Cant I sit still... NO! Okay, sometimes yes, but it has to be for a reason, and I have to focus. It is like my body is suddenly stationary and every thing is just stuck where it is... touching. If I could run around naked, I would. I eat a lot and enjoy a variety, not really typical in that textures dont bother me, but tastes do. I cannot stand a dry taste. Not like beef jerky dry, but like liver, lobster, or gin, dry. I also cannot take certain tastes that are to oily or have an aftertaste. I cannot stand most sugar free gums, or sodas. I smoke so I have to drink something or spit to get the cigarette aftertaste out of my mouth. What do I do if I am stuck in an elevator with someone with too much cologne? Honestly, it doesnt take much to be too much to me... Disgustingly, to start with I will rub the back base of my ears where there is some sort of scent gland that while very faint is calming and then rub the bottom of my nose like it itches while I am actually smelling that faint scent. Does touch really bother me? Oddly, it depends. I cannot explain it, The closer you are or more trusted you are, the more I need to be touched. Otherwise, touch, tap, shake, quick hug, then move away. Some people I actually need to hold or be held onto by... Like my son, or my baby gurl... Okay, enough for now. I need to go. Okay, so if you have read all of this, I would really appreciate some feed back. This isnt something that is easy to talk about. Actually it is rather embarrassing to admit, but so many people NEED to know this. You are welcome to share this, even to write me with personal questions. I went trough hell for so many years, and I still do. Every day. If this helps you to better understand me or someone else in your life, then please dont hesitate to share it so it might be able to help someone else. I would also like to invite you to visit my inspiration for this post at her page. She is only 19, but she knows so much more. She is fully autistic, yet she can voice her opinion with her computer. THANKS CARLY!!! EDIT: P.S. Forgot to share the Link... You have got to read Carly Fleischmanns FB page. I promise you, even if you arent amazed or impressed, you will be entertained.
Posted on: Thu, 03 Apr 2014 06:52:41 +0000
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