Today feels much different than I imagined it would. I remember when we first found out we were pregnant and the excitement I felt in my heart as we looked forward to Christmas. Getting pregnant so soon meant a few things; it meant we had to reschedule our family vacation to Florida for Christmas break because I would be too pregnant to fly in April when the trip had been booked for, it meant we would find out the gender of our sweet baby right before Christmas, and it also meant after the holiday craze had passed we could start on Baby Blahas nursery. Christmas Eve, the kickoff if you will, of a bliss-filled 12 days with my boys is upon us and my heart is feeling much different than I imagined. I am learning its ok to feel sad, whenever it pops up and whatever triggers it. In many ways, I am grieving the idea of what I thought life with Gabriel would look like. I was able to see him again yesterday for a few short minutes; he is beyond precious and absolutely perfect. The doctor commented, for only being 21 weeks, Gabriel has quite the personality and is very active!. Yes sir, he is, and those are the very moments of bliss and sanity that pull me through the grief I am feeling. In trying to keep life normal for Clayton, our family elf BoJingles returned for the holiday season. After a tear-filled, over-tired conversation with Clayton last night, I realized BoJingles needed to leave him a letter saying goodbye. Since telling Clayton the news of Gabriel, little things like his best friend not being at school or our elf leaving for a year, make Clay feel quite sad. I, admittedly so, have not been the most festive person the last few weeks. I saw an opportunity to fix this for Clayton and I took it. I very quite typed out a letter from BoJingles that would make Clay laugh and give him some closure to our elf leaving for 11 months. Much to my dismay, the letter I so carefully drafted brought my little boy to tears. He does NOT want BoJingles to leave tonight. Maybe Im over-reading the whole situation, but it feels like a cross over of emotions from some of our tricky conversations with him about Gabriel. For the next 12 days however, I will put my emotions aside and experience Christmas and a trip to Florida through the eyes of my child. Not only does HE need me to be mom again, but I need to feel that light-hearted spirit I enjoy being so much. Its that light-hearted spirit that enables me to be Claytons normal mom. A little elf dropped a gift off in my classroom yesterday with only the warning, Dont open this now, read it when you are alone. When that moment came, I opened envelope and pulled out the card. Replaying this in my head this morning, the tears so easily stream down my face. The simple card from my school family took my breath away. I sat at my desk yesterday, unable to read through all of the signatures and well wishes through my tears of gratitude. We are not alone in our journey, and to have my school family rally around us like this leaves me utterly speechless. Dave and I are humbled by the support and so very grateful for the people holding us up in this time of uncertainty. I know the silence between the laughter over the next few days, will be the moments my mind will be consumed with thoughts of sweet Gabriel, and wishing/hoping/praying for our own Christmas miracle. While it will be easy to get lost in the unknowns of next Christmas, I instead am choosing JOY for this Christmas. Gabriel is with us for THIS Christmas and that is the best gift we could possibly ask for! We hope your family has a very Merry Christmas! #teamgabriel
Posted on: Wed, 24 Dec 2014 13:41:13 +0000
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