Today has been one of the best days Ive had in a very long time. To the outside observer nothing spectacular happened but internally I have managed to set the foundation for this years self reinvention. Dozens of little daily observations, sensations, and feelings have been forming over the last couple of months and theyve finally formed something cohesive. This is an annual ritual for me. I look forward to it each year with excitement and anticipation because I never know which path Ill find myself on or what parts of my identity will become outdated or how Ill evolve. This time Im well ahead of schedule which is exciting because it means Im a little more proficient with balance than I was last year and that I have just that much more time to make the most of this year with a mind operating at full capacity. Here are the scribbles in my mental notebook for the philosophies and goals Im going into 2014 with: 1) Im going to completely accept my body. I know Im a beautiful woman. Ive known that for a while, but the sneaky hate spiral catches up to everyone from time to time and there are still body image issues Ive struggled with. This year Im determined to get past the last few things which continue to hold me back from complete self acceptance of my body. Im already off to a good start. The last year has laid a lot of ground work for me and over the last couple of months I finally managed to kick one of the worst body image issues I had, involving my bust size. Im an A cup and I used to hate it but I find that Im increasingly more comfortable with the natural curvature of my body and less impressed with the enhancements created by strategic and uncomfortable contraptions designed to make my body appear to be something it really isnt. This is a drastic sign of progress for the woman who was once bulimic and spent countless hours picking apart her anatomy and wishing that it was slightly more or less of one thing or another. If I can overcome the most challenging of my body image issues I know I can ditch the rest of them too. 2) I talk all the time about how love is love regardless of the form it takes, but Ive missed my own point by applying it in a limited way. Ive cycled through changing unhealthy patterns in how I behave when in love, to changing how I think when Im in love, to being hurt for the first time by being in love, to being angry about how society views love, to dedicating myself to not feeling love, to being disappointed with the whole thing. I wasnt happy with it when I was living on the high but I havent really been happy with the other parts of the process either. I just want to strive for balance. I still dont believe Im capable of forever love with one partner and I dont ever want to that kind of love, but I dont want to avoid all romantic involvement for the rest of my life either. What I do want and what Im capable of is warm love, free of judgement or expectations or time frames. What appeals to me is giving and receiving love in millions of little ways in different forms and whenever the opportunity arises. I dont want a fire thats out of control and Id like to keep my feet on the ground but that doesnt mean I cant warm myself by a campfire or look to the heavens from time to time. This year Im just going to accept it whenever my higher self tells me Im in love, without trying to make more or less of it than there actually is. If I love a man for 5 minute or 5 years its still love and Im not going to question it. 3) Im ready to start accepting my place in nature and in the life cycle. For years, I recklessly injured others and the world around me because it simply didnt occur to me that I shouldnt. I never set out to harm but I didnt feel any remorse when I did either. I never have gotten the hang of remorse. It seems like an emotion which leads to a whole lot of counter-productive things like shame and regret. I like accountability and learning better. But as is always the case for me, when it dawned on me that maybe I shouldnt hurt people or my environment I became obsessed with doing nothing damaging and being angry about every little thing which prevented me from achieving my goal of never harming again. But Im finally willing to accept that a life without causing harm isnt feasible. Injury and trauma and death are just part of nature and the life cycle. It isnt possible for anyone or anything to exist without doing some form of harm. Im not actively going to go out in search of opportunities to do damage but I am willing to accept that it will happen. In my interactions with people I will try my best to do what is in the best interest of all parties and if I cause pain to another I will accept accountability for my actions but also accept that they are accountable for their own happiness, and that I cant do anything about it if they choose to perpetuate their own vicitimization once Im no longer a part of it. Im also not going to become a hardcore carnivore but I will occasionally eat fish and when I do Ill get it from the most responsible source I can find and Ill appreciate the death of each creature for the life it provides me. Even being vegan I couldnt avoid killing and causing damage and it used to really bother me but it doesnt now. Its just part of life and whats more important is accountability and gratitude. Someday Ill die too. I dont know what will cause my demise but I know that this body, in its current state, is not invincible and Im ready to accept that too. So Ill be part of the life cycle and Ill be thankful for the time I have and the things and people and experiences which make that time possible and worth having. 4) I will seek moderation. Ive spent most of the last two years restricting absolutely everything from the things I ingested to my behaviors to the things I thought. My life became about restriction. And I was happy, in a way, but restricting so much limited me in a lot of ways and it wasnt really fulfilling and it robbed me of a lot of opportunities to learn and experience and connect. That level of restriction also wasnt feasible long term. Eventually I couldnt do it anymore. I went off the rails. I became reckless and numb again. I was never on solid ground and a life dedicated to restriction was never going to be sustainable for me. Now all I want is a life of moderation. I want to live and experience in a responsible way. I want to connect with others. I want to feel a plethora of sensations and emotions. I want to savor experiences. I want to live without any sense of obligation to feel guilt. Moderation is the art of living a fulfilling life with purpose and intent and accountability and thats all Ive really wanted. 5) Im going to smile everyday. I do infinitely better with this than I once did but there is always room for improvement. Life is a beautiful thing and mine has truly been a masterpiece for which I am very grateful. All the studies suggest that smiling and laughing provide actual physiological benefit to ourselves and to others. Its one of the simplest and easiest ways to positively impact our lives and the world around us and Im personally very pleased that my Heavenly Family wired humanity up to directly benefit from something so simple. Im going to make the most of good wiring this year.
Posted on: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 06:51:05 +0000
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