Today is my birthday and Im feeling truly blessed. I cant sleep not that any if you care about that. But theres something on my heart that I would like to share. As many of you know Ive not really shared many details about my previous relationship especially after it ended. I dont feel compelled to share anything extreme or be in depth with the details. However I would like to take the time to say just how truly blessed I am. In June of 2013 I started a relationship. I truly thought that I could make this work with Phil. I knew Phil wasnt exactly my type, but all I could do was try and convince my heart and mind that even though he wasnt my type we could still make it work. We were in the relationship for exactly 11 months. We were together 6 months before we moved in together. In December he had no place to go, and I had saved money so I did what I could to get us into an apartment together. The relationship was seemingly perfect until we moved in together after I had quit my job. The money I had saved was quickly coming to an end and he was starting to make me feel useless. We both got jobs at the Manor, he lost his because of his violence and I quit because they were being unfair about me working a double, some of my wages were unpaid and I had had enough. He found another job quickly yet I was having some trouble. I looked for work day in and day out but I had no luck. All I did was cook and clean and he made it seem like that was nowhere near enough. We didnt get along as well as we used to, and my suspicions about him cheating began to grow. Living with someone really does bring out their flaws. However, when youre trying to hide something as big as that it seems impossible to me to get away with it. I had suspicions right along but I wanted to trust him and I wanted to believe he would never hurt me that way. After we moved in together, he started going to supposedly see his girls. There was a restraining order preventing him from doing so but he said that they both agreed so it was fine. I wanted to believe him and I wanted to trust that he was telling the truth. But my heart just wouldnt let me. There was always a nagging in the back of my mind. When I would confront him about it he never actually denied it but would dance around the truth. The more I confronted him, the more angry he would get. The more often I would threaten to contact the mother of his kids to find out the truth myself, the more violent he became. Instead of leaving, I prayed night after night begging for God to change him. And night after night my prayers would go unanswered. Like cried myself to sleep countless nights. I shed more tears than some people have in their entire life. The hurt I felt, was like nothing Ive ever experienced. Not only was it physical abuse, it was mental abuse, along with emotional abuse. Finally after 10 months I had had enough, I needed answers and I needed them now. Rather than trying to get them from him I took a different approach and contacted his kids mother. I sent her a text. I was terrified. After Phil left for work, I called her and we talked on the phone for over 3 hours. I got all the answers that I needed and all the answers I wanted. I found out that he had cheated.... With her.... I found out that she knew nothing about me. I even found out that one night when he left me in the car he was cheating with her. Which was not an answer I really wanted to hear, but I knew in my heart that it was true anyway. Having everything that I have confronted him about answered, my heart was so broken. I was so confused. I was so tore up. I had no idea what to do. I was still in love with him and truthfully I still wanted to be with him. I thought that we could make it work even after he cheated but I knew as soon as he found out that I had talked to her that he would flip out. I waited for him to get home. I sat in the bedroom and cried. Wondering what I had just done. I knew I needed the answers. And I know that she needed them as well. But at the same time, I felt as if I may have betrayed him. I went behind his back and was deceitful. I heard the door fly open. He was mad. He looks in the bedroom where I was sitting and said not one word instead he started throwing things and when I tried to calm him down he lost it. He said things to me, that completely shattered my heart. That night I experienced the worst pain of my life. I felt as though my heart would burst from the pain that He was causing. He said some of the most hurtful things. One thing that he said that hurt the most was I regret every single minute that Ive spent with you. when those words came out of his mouth I was devastated. How could you regret 10 months of being with someone? Someone who has given you everything. Someone who had given you their entire heart. Someone who has looked past all your faults. And accepted you and every flaw you have. He told me over and over that I ruined his life. All I could do was cry. In the midst of the chaos that night, and in the midst of his violence I ended up with a black eye and several other bruises. He asked me to stay until my eye healed. And I told them I would. He went out to see his kids mother and talk with her about this entire situation. Somehow she convinced him to try and work it out with me. He came home and said that he wanted to work it out. I told him the only way I would work it out is this he gave me 100% and no less. He promised me that he would. Like a fool, I took him at his word. Never once in our 11 months of being together did he ever give me 100 percent. He continued to visit her every Tuesday and I continued to search for a new job along with cooking and cleaning. I was becoming suspicious of the Tuesday visits and everytime I tried to confront him he would get angry. Finally one day, I asked a question do you want to work it out with me, or are you going to try and work it out with her? he was not man enough, nor was he mature enough to give me a direct answer. He told me that if anything happened between them that he would let me know. At that point, I had reached my breaking point. I called mom and asked her to come get me. I told Phil we were done and that he could do whatever he wanted. I moved out but two days later I moved back in. We were getting along fairly well. And he seemed like he wanted to work it out. I didnt believe him so I went to his phone. I read the messages between him and his kids mother and again my suspicions were true. He was trying to convince her that we were not getting along, trying to convince her what we were never together and trying to convince her that we were never intimate. All those things are lies. As Phils true colors started to unfold, I began to see that he was nothing but a beater, a cheater, and a user. When I no longer had a job I was no longer valuable to him. I gave him something so precious, and it meant absolutely nothing to him. There were several occasions where Phil had hit me. In May, Phil and I got into an argument. He told me that he didnt want anything to do with me and had no feelings left for me(we had been broken up for over two weeks at that point) because he thought that I was recording the conversation for his kids mother. His goal was to make it sound good for her. I however was not recording the conversation. I told him that if he didnt want me or care about me then there was no reason for me to live. He left a few minutes later in a rage. I locked the door behind him, knowing that he didnt have the keys with him. I then walked over to the cupboard, and pulled out a bottle of mixed pills. Then I went to the drawer and pulled up the sharpest knife. I Started crying. I knew I was wrong, but I didnt care anymore. I cared about him and loved him more than anything and hearing him say that he didnt want me broke my heart. I was devastated. I sat on the kitchen floor against the wall, trying to decide which way to kill myself. I was about to send myself straight to hell. I had one last resort. Just one. I logged into my facebook one last time and I look to see who was online on my friends list. One man, who was a preacher. My message to him I need a preacher to talk to, can you lend an ear? his response you should probably find a woman to talk to. I had decided to take the bottle of pills. I crawled to the fridge to get a water. I took the water to where the pill bottle lay open waiting for me. I looked at my phone. ONCE MORE, scrolled through my online contacts Pastorjohn Martin 4min before was active. I wrote him....and I just want to thank him from the bottom of my heart for allowing himself to be used by God. He saved my life. Without a doubt. I had never been so close to killing myself. Not only did he help me that night, he continued to check in on me. And he continued to pray. I was going through the most horrible pain from everything. I had stopped eating, I cried for days, I was throwing up......it was awful. I, myself had been praying that phil would change over and over. Phil moved out of the apartment and into another one, he later asked why I didnt beg him to stay....and with an honest heart and a burst of confidence my response was because I did not want you to stay. That was it. It did not make me feel bad at all. Everybody asks why I would stay and continue to allow the abuse. Until you have been where I have been, until you have dealt with everything that I dealt with, and until you have the feelings that I had there is no way that anyone would understand. The day after that I was still a mess. I was blowing my nose in towels, crying in a heap. Mom texted I just gave your number to that guy at the farm, he is a cutie. And June 1, 2014- So it began. Gods hand in my life really began to show. Robby was not planning on going to work the day Mom gave him my number, and Mom wasnt going to say anything. Coincidence? I dont think so....Divine Intervention? Absolutely. Robby moved me back home. We have texted, talked on the phone, or been together everyday at some point since the first. He asked me to be his girlfriend and two weeks later his wife. Of course I said yes. There has not been one morning since he got my number that he has not sent me a good morning text. Not ONE night where he didnt send a good night text. He has been everything to me. He has been the man of my dreams in everything. I had dreamed of things I had always imagined and always hoped for in a man and here he is. From his truck, to his boots, to his singing in the truck at night with the dash lights hitting his handsome face, to long talks where the millions of fireflies are flickering on the sides of the road and there are so many the look like Christmas lights, the way he holds my hand, tells me things are going to be okay, and how much we agree on about our future. It is just insane yet soooo amazing. As for Phil, yesterday I pressed charges on him for abuse. He will be charged on three different levels. One felony and two misdemeanors. He will hopefully pay for the damage he caused. His wife and I talk, she has been a huge support and comfort through this mess and she is hoping for jail time so she can file for divorce. Me? I am doing great. I could not possibly be happier. My life has turned around and in such a short amount of time. I have a fiancé who cares for me the way I care for him, loves me the way I love him. Who is always 100% with me and I am 100% with him. I love him more than words could ever say and I am so grateful to have him in my life. He has been my strength. One thing I wanna say before I close this out it is so true Some of Gods greatest gifts, are unaswered prayers. I thank God everyday for turning my situation around and for putting Robby in my life at the perfect time. THE END. To the people I tagged, thank you for being there when I needed you most. I love you all and I am so thankful to have you in my life. You will never know how precious you are.
Posted on: Thu, 17 Jul 2014 08:26:22 +0000
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