Touched I held onto the drawer for a bit more and then my arm fell dead to my side. The irony should have made me laugh but I was beyond laughter. My suit of shame was as heavy as a Mount Everest. I was weaker and lonelier than I ever imagined possible. The shame and guilt of all my sins seen and felt anew was a living hell. My head more than hung. It was down as in downtrodden. It was shame so deep I wished I were dead. Really dead. Gone. Out of this place. I wished I was nothing. That had to be better than this. My sigh was a sigh of failure. Had not even opened the drawer and felt like it was too late. Too many sins. Too many failures. I did not deserve another chance. I did not deserve any forgiveness. That was most of what I felt. There was another piece though and it festered like undeniably rotten eggs in my shit sandwich of life. I feared what was in that drawer. All those failures in life. All those sins. Was I ready for more stuff? Could I handle anymore? Wouldn’t it be easier to just fade away? Why was I here? Nights and days flowed. Maybe it was months or more as I stood there. No place I wanted to go but someplace I feared to go. Afraid to go any deeper. So there I was. For a very long time. Until a single tap on my shoulder. I felt it but did not respond. Pretended it was a dream I could deny. I was too far gone to be startled. Too far into my own shame to react. The tap tapped again. Gentle. Soft. Loving. I wanted to turn to that tap but didn’t. Perhaps couldn’t was more like it. More likely didn’t. Felt ashamed to look at anything. Too ashamed to see whatever was there. Then a hand reached around and grabbed my chin. Familiar. Friendly. A hand that urged but did not force. A hand that reached around familiar territory and eased my head around and my face up. My body followed as I sobbed. Had not felt the sobbing but realized now I was sobbing and had been sobbing. For a long time. A very long time. Not sure how long. Did not care. I sobbed. The hand moved me and I went to it. Like before. I looked up and saw eyes long gone but more here now than ever. “Mom?” I heard her silent answer. Inside. From her eyes. From her smile. From her…well, from her love. She was as I knew her when I was 10 but she was more. I was as she knew me at 10 but I was more too. We were everything we ever were but we were that time right now. That time we were closest. That time we were most Mother and son. It was her and I was me and I moved into the arms that were my safest haven of all time one more time. I went home as she hugged me. I cried and my whole life flashed again. This time it flashed in front of her and in front of me. Every single moment. From the womb to the tomb. I saw and felt it all again and she saw it all as I did it. Everything. Every single thing. From the inside out. I felt it all again and anew. This time I had a witness. There were times I wanted to hide my head even more. There were times I was so embarrassed at things I did. More so now that my mother saw me doing them. Things boys did not do in front of their mothers. Things boys did not do in public. Things some people called sins. Things I called sins and did them anyway. Everything. The woman that brought me into the world saw everything her son did. Everything. I cried. She held me. I blushed and squirmed. She held me. I wanted to hide even more. She held me. Sometimes she comforted me. Sometimes she forced me to stay. She held me throughout. My whole life. She held me. Everything I did. She held me. No matter what I did. She held me. Right up until I died. She held me. Beyond that, she held hope for me and waited for me. She waited to hold me again. Now. I calmed. I waited. I found the courage to face her and looked into her eyes. I waited for the lecture. I waited for the words about my wrongs and my shames and my sins. I waited to feel how ashamed she was of what I did and what she saw this day. She looked at me. Right into my eyes. I saw only love in her eyes. Eyes that looked into my soul, just like they had when I was just a boy and she was just my Mom and that was all the world we needed. Those were the eyes I saw this day. Mom at her most loving. Only acceptance. She smiled, moved to me, and kissed me on the forehead. She smiled again. I closed my eyes in thanks at the love this woman had, and has for me. I closed my eyes and cried in joy that she saw all my secrets and loved me anyway. I cried. When I opened my eyes, she was gone. Somehow I knew she would be. Somehow, I knew she was not really gone. Somehow, I survived my own secrets. A mother’s love transcended all of that darkness. I saw my sins forgiven this day. Mom did not forgive them. I did. Thanks, Mom. This is an excerpt from, Dead Drunk by Gil Van Wagner. One of several books available for FREE download at smashwords/books/view/118874. Please help him to reach his goal of manifesting his version of a Millionaire by giving away over one million copies of his books. Read the piece. Enjoy it. Share it. Giving away his work is very important to him and enriches as you do. Thanks in advance and enjoy!
Posted on: Mon, 12 Jan 2015 20:50:18 +0000
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