Two months ago, tomorrow, I walked into work on a Thursday morning and unlocked my phone as I walked down the hallway, to read that my biological mother had committed suicide. While I left the journals and belongings with my family, I have carried her Goodbye Letter with me every day. We were no longer close, so I wont pretend we had something we didnt--- but no one deserves to feel unloved and alone. I wont say we failed her, because everyone in my family tried to love her as best as we could--- but I admit that I wish wed have known ways to try harder. I havent slept through a single night, usually from seeing her body on the table before we had her cremated. That image haunts me. My baby sister & I, packing up her belongings in a lonely hotel room in complete silence--- THAT memory haunts me. My driving 10 hrs, in non stop rain, from Athens, Ohio to Charleston, SC just to hand my most cherished, perfect Aunt Kat her sisters remains--- was absolutely the most excruciatingly painful part of it all. Life changed for us in ways you wouldnt expect when you are so angry at a someone that was so good at letting you down. The real silver lining has been our family. We tend to fight hard with one another, but there has been a complete cease fire. Everyone comforts one another, at any hour. That, in itself, is a miracle. Music is to our family as cooking or running may be in yours. Music is a constant. We use it to express what we are thinking, and we sing it to get the emotions purged. So for me, my love and pain for my mother are summed up in two songs: I Wonder by Kellie Pickler and Picture of You by The Cure. Wherever this our familys emotions find themselves across the years, from losing our loved one by her taking her own life--- Id pray that wherever she is, she could somehow see us. And find peace in knowing she was forgiven. And, loved far more than she knew.
Posted on: Thu, 03 Jul 2014 02:09:39 +0000
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