Two weeks back on a routine check up, my doctor found a small lump in my body. He asked me to be cautious about it and do an ultra sound scan to see its size. He gave me the medicine for two weeks and suggested a scan after that to see, if there is a difference in size. I asked him if it might be cancerous, to which he said, Lets wait for 2 weeks and see Praveen. Normally it is not, but I want you to check it and dont neglect it. I couldnt sleep that evening. What if it is actually cancerous? What if I have only few more days to live. I spend the night sleeplessly. Next day morning I got up and went to my parents. In the hall my father was sitting and reading newspaper. He doesnt talk to me now a days, after I shifted from there and started staying alone. I wanted to shake him and tell him, You are the man of the house dad. You just have to tell me to come back and stay and I would do that , but then I let him be. Mom as usual greeted me with a smile, and while I was having the dosas she was making, I started telling her about the scan I had. I saw an immediate worry on her face and I just said with a smile Its completely normal Amma She felt relieved and continued with her chores. I have read somewhere, Its hard to see the pain of a cancer patient, its harder to see his moms pain All sort of thoughts came to my mind. The basic thought was Shit Man, I will have to do this all over again in my next life. Make all these money, go through all these experiences yet again and write a book about my life and make it a best seller like Being Moon on 31st Crossroadyet again. I was telling myself, at least people will read my story. They will know I existed. For a split second, I was thinking, probably my death would boost the sales of the book even more, I should make my Amma the nominee of my account where the books royalty is deposited. I just called a dear friend and told, I am scared, I thought she needed to know and also I wanted her to do for me a few things after I pass away. One was to update my last goodbye status on my page, after I pass away. Second, as I always say, I am obscenely rich for a 33 year old and I wanted to allocate my assets the way I want it. Money that I have been holding onto tightly, being kanjoose, except spending it on food and hotel stays. I dint tell her all this, but just that I was scared, and that I will be having the scan soon. I started saying I love you more often. Started mending my relationships. Started talking to strangers. Called up near and dear ones casually, whom I havent been talking to for long. I tried and made the 2 weeks look as normal as humanly possible. Updating status almost regularly. Replying to mails, still counting likes on my page I was doing it good. The morning of the scan day, I went to few temples and while standing and praying in Attukal temple in Trivandrum, I told to myself Whatever the outcome of todays scan be, I am going to live a life of purpose. Inspiring as many people as possible, setting an example of how to face things gracefully. I have handled hurdles well and the way I handled it is what made my book a success. If God forbidden something goes wrong and I have only few more days to live, I would still finish it in style, by showing the world, I was always always always the preacher, who actually took the walk. After the scan was over, I called up my doc and read to him the report. He smiled and said Its vanished Praveen, its no more there. Just a dose of antibiotic more. No further test needed. It was some inflammation. Glad its over. I sat there for sometime. Tears flowing from my eyes. Shinu who came and saw me crying asked me What happened Anna. Anything serious? . I smiled, still on tears and said Yes my bro, it looks as if I got long years to live and face this world. Tackle new issues daily. Shit just got real. Shinu dint understand a thing. While I was driving to shop, I was thinking, Life is so uncertain, too fragile, too vulnerable. We simply take it for granted. You have no idea if we or the person we talk to will wake up next morning. As written in Poonthanams Njanappana കൂടയല്ല ജനിക്കുന്ന നേരത്തും , കൂടയല്ല മരിക്കുന്ന നേരത്തും, മദ്ധ്യേ ഇങ്ങനെ കാണുന്ന നേരത്തും, മത്സരിക്കുന്നത് എന്തിനു നാം വൃഥാ... which means, We are not born together. we dont die together. Then why do we compete so much while we meet for sometime just in between Anyways, those 14 days was a real eye opener but I kept it normal. I would still happily flaunt and write, even at the worse times, I still prefer being alone, I knew I have handled it many times, and I knew I would handle it again. Yesterday a friend was telling me that one of her servant is diagnosed of cancer. I asked my friend if I can talk to her. For a moment I think she thought I am weird. Its just that I know what she must be going through and I wanted to just tell her Its all going to be fine. I know in these 14 days, how many times I wished someone would tell me that. But then I never told about it to anyone. It also reminds me to be more kind to others, we dont know what they are going through. I am going to continue living my life fully. Going after things I want. Making merry. Making Love. Eating what I like. Saying I love you. Enjoying everything, every second, every minute, every hour, everyday. The world will remember me, I promise, either as a perfect example or a terrifying warning but I will be remembered for sure as the man who took all his chances and pursued every temptations, a man who really lived.
Posted on: Fri, 03 Oct 2014 03:08:26 +0000
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