Two years...It has been two years since my best friend William Percival took his own life over a failed relationship...it never really stops hurting...but I can make inappropriate jokes (he wanted to be a vet, hes just ahead of the curve) and get through my day-to-day...i dont lose whole days, weeks, months worth of time to grief...i still cry...i still feel this gaping hole...i still see things and wish i could share them with him...im still mad at him for taking my best friend...none of that has really changed much...i still wish he hadnt been so damned good at everything he did...maybe if he had been worse at things he would have failed...but thats William for ya...frustratingly good at everything on his first attempt i have come to a more compassionate stance on suicide...im no longer as bitter and angry as i was...no longer so black and white in my thoughts...the pain has subsided enough for that at least...i still think it was a MONUMENTALLY stupid choice for him...but i can empathise better with others...maybe one day i will be able to do the same for him...but i reckon that will be a long time coming... there are still days when I want to give up on everything and walk away from vet school...maybe ordain and become a Buddhist nun...or a farmer...sometimes its too hard without my best friend here...though the people i have accumulated over the years do help...they just cant be him...it is a flaw everyone shares so i dont blame them (see inappropriate humour - i promise it is a good sign for me)...sometimes knowing that he would be mad at me for quitting makes me want to do it more...but i wont...its not for him anymore...its for me...this is who i want to be and not even an incredibly stupid best friend can take that from me there have been a slew of suicides that have touched me this year...some in my faire family...some from celebrities...some from vets...it all hits about the same nerve for me...it all gets related back to him... i still wish it didnt...id give just about anything to have him back...and i will continue to fight to end the stigma for mental health so that fewer people have to experience what i have...what all of his friends and family have... tonight i will raise a glass for him and toast his passing...and hope and pray that i dont ever have to add anyone else to that particular list
Posted on: Tue, 07 Oct 2014 20:32:06 +0000
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