Until a friend this morning called my attention, I did not see the tag to the thread containing the following by Mufti Menk: Shame upon those men who oppress their wives. Giving preference to your friends over your wife is oppression. Screaming and yelling at your wife is oppression. Coming home late each night or coming to bed late each night without a valid excuse is oppression. Wasting time on the internet or phone, television or games whilst your wife is waiting for you is oppression. Not spending reasonable time with your wife is oppression. Not commending her upon her goodness, sacrifice and achievements whilst only harping on her weaknesses is oppression. Be fair! Not correcting her in the most loving manner and going around publicizing her errors or wrongdoings is oppression. Not providing at least the basic food, clothing and shelter for her is oppression. Not appreciating that she is someones daughter or sister and treating her like a slave is oppression. Allowing your mother or family members to disrespect or maltreat your wife is oppression. Allowing others to invade her privacy is oppression. Not giving her the rest that she deserves post child birth is oppression. Swearing and cursing your wife is oppression. Making false promises to your wife is oppression. These are just some ways that men oppress their wives. Shame upon those men who oppress their wives! Are you one of them? Well, change your ways, apologize and repent before the Almighty overtakes you with His Wrath. Remember the Messenger pbuh says, The best of you are those best to their wives. Mufti Ismail Menk While I thank Binta Kasim Mohammed for the tag and apologizing for the seeming late response I will rush to say, while I agree with Muhammad Hashim Suleiman regarding the one-sidedness of the admonition, I also agree wholly to the fact that there are such men, if not many of them in this clime, that require this kind of admonition. Yet what I will try to do in the following – which was not done by Menk - is put some of the issues raised into proper context that the open-minded may truly appreciate them. In this there is the need to disabuse the mind of the reader of what is called crisis of interpretation. Many will look at the issues and heave a sigh of relief, being glad that they have found solutions to happy marriage; being good husband or even divorce rates ravaging our region today. They will say, if only we will adhere to all these! Women will rejoice and wish they are married to men who are free from all the highlighted vices. Then men who think themselves responsible enough will dream and wish that their sisters and daughters are only with such men. This regardless of what they did not realize they must do to their sisters/daughters for them to earn the clean types of men. But the truth of the matter is the issues in the same quote are the reasons why there was high rate of divorce among the first generation of Muslims and the most pious caliphs. Yes, I say that! High rate of divorce among the most pious Muslims of the early era as compared to our era where divorce has been almost socially criminalized! You see it was the prophet himself and interestingly for the same reasons who demonstrated how we should divorce and why. Then, in their lifetimes: 1. Umar (ra) married 9 women in all his life and kept 2 concubines; 2. Ali (ra) married 18 women; 3. Hassan Ibn Ali is said to have married 250; 4. Mughirah Ibn Shubah also had about 300 or more. This they did while keeping only 4 at a time. This means apart from some separations that were caused by death, Umar may have had, for each marriage that lasted TDDTP (till death did them part), one divorce at least! Ali may have had for each of such marriage not less than three divorces! Okay. In the case of Hassan Ibn Ali and Mughirah there may be some reasons attributed to their divorces other than those issues raised by Mufti Menk. But we don’t have the right to think otherwise for Umar and Ali; except if we want to say they were out of the Sunnah (In the case I will leave a claimant to the Zahirite scholars who are ready with their grind)! I am sure you are asking as to how the issues raised translated to high divorce rates in those days - assuming you agree with me that we have enough sample population in the 5 individuals we sited above including the prophet. It is simple. The reason why the prophet divorced the wife we say he divorced was because he went to her on their first night and on seeing him advancing closer, she uttered: “A’uzubillahi minash shaidan Arrajim”, meaning, “I seek refuge in Allah from Satan the rejected”. The prophet immediately divorced her. Though it is said that it was the other wives who advised her to that effect – out of some jealousy - and she implemented it ignorantly, it can be seen that she actually did not have a proper appreciation of the person she was marrying. She agreed to compare, address him in the skin of his most potent enemy and so he eased her burden! If the prophet had stayed with her in the marriage she certainly would have given lie to some of his claims or even question or tried to stop him from carrying his divine duties. She apparently did not know who he was. And marriage is too serious to be a teachable moment all through about certain things that are very basic. The lesson driven from this is for a man not marry or stay in a marriage with a woman who never appreciates, understands or see through his real value or position in the marriage. Should any neglect this, it is what Mufti Menk warned against that will inevitably follow. Now and safe from this explanation we can have an intelligent, reasonable and analogical guess to why Umar and Ali had the number of divorces they had; giving no serious value to other very physical reasons that may have caused them( the divorces) and assuming the reasons are not documented anywhere (because I did not find any yet, maybe I have to search more). Yes of course if you do not belong to the school of thoughts that totally rejected analogy! I can hear the Ja’afarites chorusing, noooo!!!! LOL Unfortunately it is in these times (our times) that some marriage counselors will insist on what Mufti Menk above said even while advising one to stay in the marriage no matter the behavior of the spouse. They criminalize divorce and prefer the couple remain in eternal bondage; a very practical marriage of convenience that may mean hell in this world and the hereafter for both or one of the spouses. Yes, I agree that divorce amounts to some social error and when not handled carefully, generates wrong societal codes. But my fight over the years is to have in Muslim Hausa, a fairly representative composition that makes divorce highly controlled through a more painstaking and rigorous marital process and procedure that will make all think hard, hard and hard before committing. This will reduce many a wrong combination and increase safety for all divorced women who have the right to happiness and equal social opportunity. I mean they should be able to relive again after failed marriage without taints or stigma. No too much stints with poverty! Across cultures, civilizations and times, women are believed to have - more than men - strong association with social envy as a trait and a tendency towards ingratitude. Most men in marriage contend and manage this reality throughout the life of the marriage. To many it proves unbearable and leaves the union in most strain. The best of women in marriage and across history are those with minimum dosage of this infamous trait. Fatima Bint Muhammad is reported to have sided with her spouse in anything he was giving out; even morsels of bread during extreme need. In fact it was said that they once had a three day straight fasting together because at each moment of breaking of the fast, each day, they would spot a beggar or a stranger that they think would need - more than them - the meager food they saved for the occasion. They then would give them the food and take only water. That lasted until three days when there was, close by, no anymore someone who looked more desperate. Fatima was rid of everything envy. She allowed her husband to give out his belongings to others freely in charity. Material possession was not her issue! Again it is said she once noticed how a crew of female slaves were brought to the prophet from battlefields and then went to him to request that a slave girl be given to her, for a house help. The prophet admonished and encouraged her to keep the sweat for her husband and not to take a maid. He assured her that every bit of it would move her inches to paradise the blessed. Fatima was purged of ingratitude; everything of it. She could give, give and give to her husband like she had never given. Certainly, it was after her that Ali could marry the many he married. Had she survived longer, the postulations are he may not have married again all his life. Such was what was said of Khadijah, Fatimah’s mother and the prophet’s wife. The prophet said: “the life in this world is just for a moment, and the best of the moment is a righteous wife”. This statement by implication is saying the worst that can happen to a young, brilliant, visionary and aspiring man is a bad wife. Then all that he ever planned or built will crash in a moment!
Posted on: Mon, 22 Dec 2014 13:59:38 +0000
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