(Venting to God, so you can ignore it) Drowning in this sea of decay…I begin to scream. I flail and fight and rebel with all the might I can muster against what is coming…but still, I start to fall. There, I’m falling there again…and I am so terrified. Words are not enough, because no matter how many times I request help, no matter how many times I yell for assistance or beg for understanding, along with all that I am also aggressively pushing them all back away from me as I plead for them to come closer…because knowing I am falling there…again…means that I’ll be that horrible person again. Surrounded by that darkness again…where no light can reach me. Where no hope can pass into the thick depths of that place in my mind and I feel it engulfing all of me again. Already the negativity is so easy to give in to…the threat of the hatred is so blatantly staring me in the face that I can no longer deny it…again, in this horrid abysmal darkness…I’m falling, and nothing seems to be helping in trying to prevent me from going there. The only option that appears over and over and over and over again in my mind is to go ahead and give in…but that frightens me more than any of you could possibly understand. I don’t want to go back to being that person again! I don’t want to be depressed or angry all the time, or feel useless and futile and hopeless! To feel that my life has no purpose again… Sovereign…Sovereign…my Sovereign…I feel the pressures of the bitterness and anger clouding over me. Of those awful empty feelings creeping under my skin again…and I don’t know how to stop it! So I sit and read or cope in my way, feeling that grip of fear you get when you miss a step, the way your heart plummets…and the falling sensation gets stronger. Sovereign, even if I do have to fall…I refuse to be that person again. I’m just so scared. I just don’t know what else to do. I really don’t. I thought I was doing so well…I thought I was being so positive…I thought I was doing much better in everything…I thought all my efforts were changing things, working for the better as well…I believed so strongly and optimistically again! And now THIS??? I’m so scared. So terrified of being hateful and ugly again. I don’t want that. I don’t. So, I won’t quit. YOU HEAR ME!? I WON’T QUIT! But my Sovereign almighty…I am so scared, and I can’t use my outlets like I want…because it just causes others to get upset with me…which makes me stumble and gets me that much closer to falling deeper into the dark. But I won’t quit. I’m scared, doubtful, angry and getting worse by the day…but I won’t quit. If you’re still with me Sovereign, I need you to straighten things out. I need you to fix them this time. Not me. I’m doing the best I can. I just need you to show that to others, if I may be so selfish and foolish to ask this of you. I won’t go back Sovereign. I know you won’t let me go back either. No peace right now…please help with the stupid nightmares as well. Love you Sovereign.
Posted on: Wed, 07 Aug 2013 05:30:07 +0000
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