WARNING! Bi-polar Rant Ahead! ;) Feeling good at the moment (Thank you Jessica Dancingheart!!!) but over the last few days have felt full of grief. For what ever reason, my bipolar takes a break when I am pregnant or nursing. I feel AMAZING right now! Being pregnant is wonderful for me. I have a full range of healthy emotions, I can express my self with out loosing my shit, I can deeply feel love and connection with others. Its BEAUTIFUL!!! I feel sad that I will have to give this up one day. I know that when I am done breast feeding that life will once again become a daily struggle. Without medication, I can NOT function in the world or in my family. With medication, I am dead inside. I can look at my beloved daughter and feel not an ounce of love in my heart. My husband can kiss me and I feel nothing. My dog literally DIED IN MY ARMS after being hit by a car and I felt NOTHING. It is hell to live that way. Or with the horrible side effects of other medications. Last summer I was on a medication that made me feel stable, but for several hours in the middle of EVERY day I felt like I had the flu. I would get super hot and sweaty, then I would feel cold and shiver uncontrollably. My body felt like it had been hit by a truck. Every muscle in my body would hurt SO badly! Thank God it was summer and I hadnt started work yet. I would have to just go to bed for several hours and just be sick. I felt like a junkie withdrawing. But, it was a trade off. I had feelings... Being unmedicated is not an option for me. I know I will kill myself with out meds and my daughter is not safe in my care. Living with medication is also hellish, but I can at least FUNCTION. I feel so deeply, profoundly sad that I will have to go back to that life after Jaxson is born and he is done breast feeding. I feel jealous that most other people dont have to STRUGGLE the way I do Every. Single. Day. You cant even imagine the strength and courage it takes to live with this disease. It takes EVERY ounce of courage and determination I can muster. And then to have to go to work and be a productive member of society on top of that... That takes more than I have. That is Divine Power at work. I am sad that I have this disease. I didnt realize how hard it was until Jaxon gave me a break from it. For today, I am eternally grateful I can FEEL! I can laugh, love, cry, be at peace, feel angry, etc. I dont feel depressed. I dont feel hypomanic, and I DO NOT have mixed states (THANK GOD!!!), which are the absolute WORST (They are the reason that type II bipolar disorder is the second deadliest mental illness. Mixed states are the most unbelievably physically, emotionally, spiritually painful experience you can imagine, which is why a lot of people will kill themselves during an episode. I have those more than any other symptom). Feeling blessed that, for today, my brain is stable and that I dont have to struggle through each moment. I hope that my Dr can eventually find a solution that leaves me feeling like a whole human being
Posted on: Sat, 07 Jun 2014 16:40:14 +0000
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015