WARNING: this has triggers for self harmers, this is something that is described in detail and if you feel that its going to effect you in a harmful way then please stop reading now. I realize the hate that I am prepared to cop for this. But its something that people need to hear. The more awareness the better, and its the harsh reality no cover up just the truth. If this saves someones life, or stops them from something that there going to regret, then thats worth more to Me then any words of hate people could ever say to me. Also not for attention that is not my main objective as to posting something so personal on social media. Please take the time Out of your day to read this as I grantee you will see things differently by the end. The strokes behind the blade. By Kimberly Whitwell. This explains in my shoes as to what cutting is, and what its like for someone whos done it for years. So if you have the time, step in my shoes for a minute. I garnered you you will be thinking differently after reading this. Its such a simple thought, such a small addiction. It can be uncontrollable at times. But I feel the need to explain this to people who can never understand what its like to be someone who cuts. Its been a rough night, and your a mess. You cant make Sense of any thought that crosses your mind. But you feel like your being torn apart in ways you never thought possible, and your scared. Alone in your room huddled up in the corner trying to stop the tears and stay safe from the world. No ones there, no ones trying to contact you to see what your doing or how you are. You feel so isolated and kept from the ones you live and care about. Someone a few weeks back was talking about doing something with a blade, when you asked them what it was and they explained it to you you thought they were crazy. You asked yourself how could anyone ever think about doing something so horrible to themselves. But now things have gotten so bad and you begin to shake. Adrenaline kicks in and your no longer yourself. So you begin to stand up and walk over to your pencil case. You hesitate wondering what the hell you were thinking. Youve got the sharpener in your hand now, tears are coming more heavy out of your eyes and your breaths are short. You throw the sharpener across the room screaming no you cant do this not to yourself. A few moments pass and your sitting there with the sharpener In your shaking hands again. Your all dizzy and the rush draws you in. Slowly you figure out how to remove a blade from a sharpener. That small tiny, shiny little blade is now in the palm of your hand. Your second thought is how your going to do it, once you figure it out the blade you have now sits comfortably on your wrist. You feel the cold tip on the first layer of skin, you them shut your eyes and feel your heat beat crash against your chest as you begin to cut. It started with one then you relized how much better you felt, then two then three then six then ten then twenty. The blood pours from the cuts, and your crying so hard because your struggling to believe what you have just done, and your so relived of everything that you feel you have just let go. You cant breathe now, you curl up in a ball on the ground as your eyes begin to close, you smile slightly because you know now that you have a friend. You wake the next day and its time for school, your wardrobe choice is a long sleeve shirt to cover up last nights damage. You put on your makeup to cover up the pale broken girl that wallows beneath that foundation and you begin your day. Things happen at school, the bullys have tormented you today and broke you to your limits. Its half way through the last lesson and someone Pulls your chair out from underneath you and you fall to the ground, the teacher doesnt notice and the whole class is laughing at you. You bolt from the class room and run to the toilets. You sit on the bottom of the bathroom stall crying again. But you reach into your pockets and realize that little shiny thing can take it all away. Again you begin to cut, feeling there words of hate slip from your mind. The day ends and your home with your family. Well you live with your grandparents because you dont have a father or a mum. They helped raise you. There pretty drunk and your copping the blame for things that arent your fault. But you love them none the less. You hate seeing them in this state, you tend to blame yourself this because you feel if you werent dumped on them that maybe they would of had a better life. After tea you head to bed and cry yourself to sleep listening to your favrioute music because someone how the lyrics seem to soothe you. Days pass now and the blade has become a big part of your life, your doing it when you wake up, when your at school, when you come home and before you go to bed. Its an addiction thats becoming out of your control but your to faded to see the damage its doing, Its a bad night at home, pops to intoxicated and you dont feel safe. Soon enough his got his hands on your throat and your screaming so loud get off me ! He yells your pathetic I hate you ! Snap out of it and grow up!. He throws you In your room and your left unable to breathe on your bedroom floor. Your head tells you take the blade Kim, Kim do it!. You rush to the stash of the small blades you have acquired. You take one to your wrist, but its to deep, you start to panic as the blood is now pouring out of your wrists. But you stay quite you dont scream or speak you just sit there. You know you went to far, another two inches and you would have lost your life. You need to talk someone about whats happened, Speak up about it. So you knock on the cousillors office door and she greets you with a smile and says hello Kimberly, are you okay?. You explain everything to her and she helps you get back on your feet. You reported the abuse to the police and things were being delt with. You started to make new friends and things were starting to get better for you. And soon enough you dont need that shiny little blade anymore and you throw it away relizing that your better off without it and always will be. The blade is mistaken a lot for an attention thing. Thats where anyone could be wrong. ITS NOT, If its such an attention seeking concept then why do we try so hard to hide it. You never know Someones story about why they have the scars they do but that was mine. I know Ill cop hate for this but as always I dont care because I do this to create awareness and to save Peoples lives. if that little Shiny blade is your friend right now, Please go and Talk to someone who you love and trust. Speak out, please dont be scared. Its nothing to be ashamed of your just going through a difficult time that you dont know How to handle on your own. You are loved and so cared for, and Maybe not today or Tomorrow or the next Month but one day things will get better. Recovery is hard, but with the right support and care you will make it through.
Posted on: Sat, 11 Oct 2014 07:42:09 +0000
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